I need advice and to vent so please be patient with me.

I'm 35, married for nearly six years to a police officer here in Florida. We met ten years ago while I was in the police academy. Right after I graduated I was in a car accident and broke my back and severely injured my neck, which ended my career pretty effectively before it ever began.

In the beginning T was wonderful. I recall going to work the night after our first date and telling a co-worker "I think I just met the man I'm going to marry". Understand T is my second marriage, I have three children ages 10, 11 and 15 from my first marriage. T is the only father these kids have ever known, my daughter (the eldest) remembers her "sperm donor" (her term not mine) but she calls T Dad. From the get-go he was there for the kids, buying them birthday gifts and basically taking over fatherly parental duties, even though he still lived with his Mom at age 27.

After we had been together for about a year we moved in together, about six months later I had my accident. T encouraged me to not even try to work (which was admittedly almost impossible, I was bed-ridden for about eight months) and we lived on his salary. When our lease was up on our house his Mother proposed that we move in together, because she could not do the upkeep on her home and to take some of the financial burden off us from my medical condition. The schools were much better so we agreed. I had little knowledge of his Mom other than knowing that she was volatile and a hoarder-since I was a hard-wired clean freak the idea was I would stay home and clean the house up, do the necessary work needed (the house hadn't been taken care of by T, his Mom or his 23 year old brother who had never held a job, since his father died of heart failure in 2000 nothing had been done and the house was in really bad repair on top of the hoarding) and then she would cede the house to us. We took over the payments and all other household expenses.

About six weeks in she went nuts, drained T's bank account (he had her on his account for some reason I still haven't figured out) and called the police to try and have us arrested on child abuse charges because we refused to allow the kids outside to play-except there was a hurricane making landfall about eighty miles away . The officer that responded would have taken her to jail if T hadn't stepped in and used his work influence. I couldn't handle the stress and moved myself and the kids to an apartment. We had basically nothing left other than my meager savings and I simply couldn't handle the stress. T moved with me to the apartment. I started a sit-down job that I could do working for a large banking institution and we were doing ok, he had no contact with his Mom whatsoever. We married about a year later. I had also started a side business selling used books on Amazon and was doing very well for myself. T started making noises about wanting to own a home again, and because I was doing well financially I found and paid the down payment on a lovely house. I eventually quit my job to work for myself full time.

T was involved in every bit of the process of the house, since it was being refurbished by the seller we were able to pick out colors, tile, etc. I asked over and over if this was what he wanted, and told him over and over that he could say the world if it was too much stress and he told me everything was fine, that he loved the house and couldn't wait to move.

About six months after we moved in I became very ill, the doctors thought I had MS and I was hospitalized frequently. My relationship with T dissolved along with my business, since I was too ill to take care of it and he refused to help, saying he had no idea what to do despite my pleas to teach him. Without my heavy income the house payments were high for just his income, and he again refused to allow me to go back to work. On one particularly bad week we were fighting, I went to take a shower and passed out in the bathroom. He took his computer (he was an avid video gamer and devotes every spare moment to his games) and moved back to his mothers home. I was devastated, but I made an appointment with a couples counselor and he agreed to come. During that appointment he was extremely combative and told the therapist that the house was all my idea and that he wanted nothing to do with it, that he blamed me for all our money troubles because of my illness and that he did not want to save the relationship. Despite that he wanted to come home for some reason, and despite the therapist telling me to let him go that he was unstable I let him come home.

There was more fighting. He put his service revolver in his mouth, threatened to kill himself then took all the other guns in the house and piled them into his truck to leave. I cut him off on our street and refused to let him leave without first relinquishing the weapons...in turn he called the police and told them I ran him off the road. I was scared to death he would kill himself, and around this time I started to fall in to a deep depression. The doctors were still unsure what was going on with me and my life was just falling apart. We lost the house and moved into a more modest place and were doing better, despite me going through three surgeries inside a year. At the end of that lease here comes his Mom again, saying she is about to lose her home. I told T no way-I wasn't going down that road again. She said she would move to an apartment if we would save the house. I said no. He said either I moved or he left me. At the time I had just had disk replacement surgery in my back and was looking at another surgery in about three months, I couldn't work. I couldn't even walk again yet. So I caved.

We moved back to the house, true to his Moms work she moved out...to an apartment less than a block away. She refuse to take any of her belongings out of the house and its been almost two years, the garage is still full of her stuff. She had two 100lb dogs that she asked me to "babysit" while she went to work...that was over a year ago and the dogs are still here. She thinks its my job to cart anything she wants over to the apartment and refuses my attempts to get her to go through her belongings with her, saying she doesn't have the time. On new years of this year I sat T down, told him I couldn't live this way any longer and that I wanted to give his Mom a six month window to take control of her dogs, and that I was going to start carting her stuff over to her making it clear that I would dispose of whatever she didn't want and help her go through the rest. He told me that if I did this he would throw me out, even going so far as to say "if its you or the dogs I choose the dogs".

I've had six surgeries in the past year. They just found "masses" in about eight parts of my body and a new one just appeared in my lung, the side effect of that has been six cases of pneumonia. My middle son is autistic (aspergers) and my youngest was diagnosed with seizures last month. I'm at my wits end, I can't see a way out. I don't think my marriage will survive anything that happens and I just needed to vent this, because more and more I find myself contemplating suicide. Tonight T reminded me that besides the kids I have no family and that "no one but him" gives a (expletive) whether I live or die. The sad part is that I don't think he does either.

I've started a bank account of my own and am funneling money into it. I'm looking for a job but have no idea how I'm going to keep one. I have a degree and I'm highly intelligent (at least in matters not of the heart). Meanwhile T gets meaner and meaner to the kids and meaner and meaner to me. Every doctors appointment I have is laced with insults and seems designed to make me feel worse, my primary care doctor told me point blank not to bring him back with me or he (the doctor) will end up socking him in the nose.

I had to get this out, this is the first time I've written it all down. I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing, but I thank you for at least letting me vent.

i read it all every word.
Hes abusing you. But you know that.
Keep funneling the money, dont ever let him find out.
Contact a domestic abuse centre, contact disability. Contact welfare providers in your aRea.
Ask your doctor for a statement letter on what he has seen.
Contact a lawyer who works for free.
Make friends, through the childrens schools etc.
You need to escape.
Do it for yourself.
Find a free counsellor for yourself.
Go and talk to the police ( not where he works)
Its alot to do. Make phone calls to start off.
Talk to doctors that you see, they may know of people who can come see you at hospital etc.
I will be thinking of you
Xxxxx

rapidcycla said it well

You can call domestic violence hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

or visit their website for tips on how to stay safe. http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/safety-planning/

If you go to a domestic violence shelter you will need to go to one not in your town where he is not familiar with the location.

PM me if you want to talk.

and above all else dont loose sight of yourself, you sound amazing, caring, smart.
Life has delt you some bad cards to play with.
But dont give up
Pm me too if you like.

and be computer safe!!
Logout properly.

Thank you for your messages of hope my friends. I know it sounds funny but until I saw it, the words "you are being abused"..it was cloudy. I guess you get in the middle of something and you just can't see the edges anymore. But I am taking precautions and my computers are safe, I keep mine separate and password protected from his, we share nothing but a network and I keep my machines safely hidden behind a multitude of programs to keep them shielded.

I only hope that I can one day be of assistance to you all...you have no idea the relief I feel to see that I am not just "seeing things" or "delusional".
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
C / Novocaine

no need to thank. Ive been in a situation like yours not too many years ago.
Keep us posted please, dont stay there too long, you have our best wishes.
I will hope for you.

I read the story, Novocaine. *hugs* You need to get free of him and his dysfunctional family so you can take care of your health and your kids don't need the abuse either. My heart goes out to you, dear lady.

Oh, it is of course not true that no one gives a <> whether you live or not. That's just a statement of his perceived power over you. Part of abusive pattern is isolating the victim. You probably knew more people, had friends at some point. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that their disappearance from your life had something to do with T.

p.s. Great advice rapidcycla

Are you taking enough precautions?

INTERNET SAFETY

Advocates with the National Domestic Violence Hotline understand that technology is ever-changing, and it can be used to jeopardize your safety or as a means to ensure your safety. For more information and help with safety planning, please contact the Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7223) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

Did you know that you can monitor someone’s computer use without the user knowing?
Did you know that a “history” cannot be completely erased from a computer?
Did you know that cell phone use can be monitored?
Did you know that a global positioning system (GPS) can be placed on your car, in your purse or in your cell phone?
Did you know the some court systems are placing court records online and that they may contain personal information?
Did you know that e-mail is like a postcard and can be intercepted?
Did you know that you can find safe computers at www.ctcnet.org?
These are questions that Advocates can help answer. Technology is a powerful tool for someone leaving a domestic violence situation, and Advocates can help a caller, whether victim, friend or family member, plan to use all aspects of technology safely. For more information and support, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224

So sorry this is happening to you...stay safe and keep us posted

Stay focused and keep your head held high.You have friends in all of us and we will be here for you.Don't let this guy beat you down....I am in the process of starting over myself. I have my own apartment now and Thank God everyday for being able to breath and have been making some friends...although I miss him , it feels good to be myself again....please keep us posted .....hugs

Just want to let you know that you are not alone. What you are going through is indeed very stressful. Please do seek for any kind of help if you are feeling suicidal. the more you express it the better your medical provider can help you with it. May god bless you! take care

worried about you.

Hiya,

I don't have much to add just wanted to say that I read your entire post and i feel for you. Rapidcycla put it well and so did the others. Do what you need to protect yourself and your children. Good luck,

love and hugs,
Tara