[snowrt]

I have a very good mother but she is very hard on her self. She is overweight and is just obsessed about it. I get a lot of my traits from my mother. I am like a size 16/18 and I have been since I was a teenager. When I was a young teenager I remember my mom always would tell me that "It doesn't matter how good of a girl you are, no guy will ever want to date a girl that is overweight." I am 30 years old and I am honestly just now realizing this is not true. I think back to my high school years and I had tons of friends. I was always the person everyone liked. I had lots of guy friends. I never played games like the other girls did. I never went to prom because my mom just carried on about how "dress shopping is no fun when you are fat," "It doesn't really matter how nice the dress is because you won't look good," "You can go stag if you want, I noticed other girls have gone stag so you can too." “You don’t have to worry about not finding a date.” She made me feel like I was ugly and no one would want to go with me. I finally told her I didn't have any interest in going and just played it off that way. A lot of my friends kept telling me I should go because it would be fun. I think one of my guy friends even wanted to ask me but I had made it very vocal that i didn't "believe" in prom. One of my guy friends and I became extremely close friends. He went threw a tough time and I tried really hard to be there for him. I had a connection with him like I have never had with anyone else in my life. We then went to college and I moved far away when I got into x-ray school. When I was home on spring break he started to get really touchy feely towards me and I just freaked out. I didn't think guys would like me and I wasn't experienced like he was. He always had girl friends. I then went back to school and he tried emailing me. He said he missed me. I never did email him back because I didn't know what to say. All of sudden every thing changed. The next summer I moved home and he again tried several times to be touchy feely towards me but I was so nervous. I completely blew him off. I had so many feeling for him but I just didn't think I would ever be good enough or pretty enough. I then went back to school and I met someone and I was with that person for 7 years. We broke up about 2 years ago and I then moved back home again. I was pretty upset over the break up. He was the kind of guy that always told you what you wanted to hear but in the end, I realized that he didn't really mean a lot of the things he said or promised. The last thing he ever said to me was that "he was never really that interested." and "Didn't I ever once think that he was just trying to be an asshole so I would just break up with him." I helped him out so much threw the years. I just completely lost myself after that. I second guessed everything I had ever did in my life. I think in my gut I always knew that something wasn't right about him but I was absolutely convinced that no one else would ever want to date me so I just stayed. I never forgot about my high school friend though. I would think about him quite often threw the years. When I moved back the old friend from my high school was still single. He was so excited to see me and I just freaked. Once again I blew him off because I was so nervous. He had just gone threw a break up and looking back now I think he just needed someone to talk too. But so did I, but at the time I thought he wanted more and I just couldn't. I was emotionally exhausted from my previous relationship. One night at the bar he tried to tell me about his ex and I told him that I did't believe in marriage anymore and that you don't even know who you are until you are 30. I really didn't mean that and I don't even know why I said it. I think I hurt his feelings and I felt so bad for saying it. Every time I saw him after that I would get so nervous and have so much anxiety when I was around him. I wanted it so bad and I think he did too. I could tell by the looks on his face or he would just say “I just want a good girl.” He kept trying and finally gave up and started dating another girl. This girl was also my friend but she is kind of a manipulative person. I had asked her several times if she thought he liked me and she would always make me feel like he didn’t. I know realize it was because she wanted him. Since then, they have started dating and I have been told that he really did want to “settle down” with me. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t play games and I hate drama. I would really like to date him. I think we could be great together and I have a lot of heart burn over the whole thing. I am so mad at myself. If I could have just relaxed and been myself I think it could have been good. I am also so mad at my mom. She always puts me down or says things about me not having any good qualities. I am a good person and a professional. I do CT and MRI. I love my mom but, I am to the point that I can’t even stand being around her. What should I do? I am 30 years old and I just feel like this is more of a teenage problem and almost feel stupid for feeling this way. My mom is so overbearing sometimes and in the end, I just want my guy friend to be happy. I don’t think the girl he is dating now is that good. I just don’t know what to do or who to go to for advice. I need help???

Hello, snowrt. Is professional help an option for you? You seem to have some ambivalence about what you want. Some therapy may help you resolve the issues with your mother and maybe teach you some coping mechanisms for the anxiety. The guy is not available now. He may never be. You likely would benefit from working on the concerns that stand in the way of a better life for you.

Good luck.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Shame on your mother. My daughter is a plus size girl - she's 35, and NEVER have I told her that she should lose weight or that she could never find anyone. My gosh, she couldn't BE more popular!! She's never had a problem getting dates. She is just herself, and if people don't like that, well so be it! And that's the attitude YOU need to take. You are a GOOD, BEAUTIFUL person!! Men don't want string beans -- they LIKE women with some meat on them! They like curves. I'm sorry, but your mother doesn't know what she's talking about -- and she's been cruel and abusive to you.

Take your POWER back -- you unwittingly gave it to your mother. She browbeat you for so long, that you believed what she said -- now it's time to take your power BACK from her! She no longer HAS the power to do this to you ANYMORE. You are a VITAL, attractive person and you don't need to accept this abuse. Refuse to listen to that trash talk.

And all is fair in love and war ~ get the word out that you're interested in this guy. If you can text him - do so. Ask him to meet you for a drink - or coffee or something. Don't be afraid this time. KNOW that you are LOVEABLE, and WORTHY. You deserve to be loved and cherished!! Now go out and get your man!! Hugs, Lee P.S. Let me know how it comes out. lol

[RomanSunburn]

Hello Snowrt! Welcome to PC!

First, I want to rephrase something that Lee said. I know she meant it with the best of intentions, but I want to make it clear that all types of men like all types of women! No two people have the EXACT same preferences regarding what they want in a mate.

I agree that your mother shouldn't have said all those things to you, but she was projecting her own issues on to you, and maybe even felt like she was protecting you. It is possible to be a good mother with her own baggage that simple gets in the way. From now on, if she says something like that to you or one of those times comes to your mind, replace the "You" in the sentence with an "I." Meaning, when she says "You won't have any fun dress shopping," try to hear her saying "I won't have fun dress shopping." I know it's impossible to unhear everything your mother ever said to you, but now is the time to acknowledge it for what it was and move on. I know that is way easier said that done, but, in DBT, they teach what they call "Teflon Mind" (I'm sure the teflon people love it), when you acknowledge it for what it is, then try to let it go.

In regards to your high school friend, I feel that you should try to return to being friends with him. Don't chain yourself to him or pine away after him, but I wouldn't actively pursue him while he has a girlfriend. If you're truly interested in him, try to rebuild your friendship with him. Staying a part of his life, returning to what you once had, might give him hope again. I agree with Lee that if someone asks you if you have feelings for him, don't say no. But I wouldn't tell him directly unless he comes to you and asks you himself. Try not to cause trouble for him and his girlfriend. He has to make up his own mind, and that's always easier when their isn't drama going on.

You are a good, wonderful, loving person. I agree that seeing a therapist might help you build up your self esteem and self worth, plus wade through all the baggage from your mother. I truly believe you will find someone that loves you and wants to be with you and values your presence in their life. Don't give up hope on this. Work to get yourself to a stable and self-loving place.

Good luck!

[lynn P.]

Beautifully said RomanSunburn. This is almost identical to what I told snowrt in the Q&A section. Hey there snowrt - it me Bella from Q&A - I use a different username here.