[invisigirl]

my parents are coming to visit us today. they will be here until Friday evening and are (thankfully) staying in a hotel.

my dad has cancer. a rare form of renal cancer that is usually fatal. the first chemo drug they tried on him did nothing and they are trying another now and hoping for the best.

he's been doing genealogy for 30 years and wants me to help him write a family history (which will also be a biography for him). so he is coming to visit to do some more research and also so we can talk more about the book.

so there's that...

I feel like a basket case. I have felt anxious over the past few days and nervous. I'm both excited to see them and also dreading it. but I feel like I have no reason to feel any thing but happy about it. so I don't know where the dread comes from - aside from feeling a bit awkward with them because I know that they disapprove of nearly everything about me from my hair color and piercings to the way I parent. but that has been ongoing since my teens, so I don't think that would cause these feelings so much now.

a couple nights ago, I actually wet the bed. it was very bizarre. despite having had 5 kids, I don't have ANY problems with incontinence. the only time that has happened in my adult life is when I'm pregnant and sleeping really hard and I always woke up in the middle of it (happened once late in each of my pregnancies) - but this was different. I didn't wake up from it, I didn't feel like I was sleeping all that hard... it was just like when I was a kid. waking up in a puddle. very alarming and embarrassing.

I have been keeping my Bible study group updated about my dad's cancer and a couple weeks ago one of the group members asked me if my dad and I are close. I felt stumped by the question. I didn't know how to answer. I didn't really feel like I could say yes, but it felt wrong to say no. you know?

this all feels really confusing to me. I don't remember my dad ever doing anything awful to me as a kid. sure, my parents spanked me when we were kids, and once or twice my dad used the belt. I remember being afraid of him, I remember him working a lot, I remember wanting to spend time with him - just the two of us - because it made me feel special...

anyway. I'm sure our visit will go fine and everything will be ok. I'm ready for it to be saturday.

[Leed]

I can completely understand how you feel. You want everything to be perfect so you won't be open to any criticism from them whether it's spoken or just "thought.'" I can make myself a total mental wreck over stuff like this.

When you said that they disapprove of your parenting skills, I noticed that I nodded my head! LOL I KNOW that my parents did too. My parents just plain did NOT parents us -- we had to bring ourselves up -- but I definitely parented my 2 kids - and I don't think my parents liked that at all. Well, too bad! At least my kids knew I loved them. We 4 kids felt NO love from our parents.

And as far as the bedwetting -- I'm sure that has to do with nerves, whether it's perceived or not. Many times we don't even know we're anxious.

Good grief, your dad used a BELT on you??? That's a bit rough, don't you think?? Holy cow!

I'm sure the visit will go just fine. Of course 5 kids won't behave like angels, but you can't expect them to either. LOL Just remember to keep in mind that they're kids - and they're going to be noisy & rambunctious. So have a good time, and enjoy your parents. It will be over before you know it! God bless. Hugs, Lee

[invisigirl]

Thanks, Lee. The visit did go well. My dad and I spent the day downtown yesterday showing me the ropes of the genealogy resources while my mom watched the kids. Luckily I do have VERY good kids who mind well and the only 'issue' we ever really have is just the noise level - which is to be expected with 5 kids 10 and under.

So anyway... we're done. It was relatively painless.

[Leed]

That's great to hear! I'm glad it went well, and the kids are so well behaved.

So it wasn't as bad as you thought?? That's good. I'm glad you got to spend some time with your Dad. God bless. Hugs, Lee