[heartbreaker1980]

Hi everyone,

I am getting married to my high school sweetheart that I dated for the last 15 years in <4 moths. We got engaged last year with all the blessing from our families and friends. Although I was bit uncertain about marriage to start with, I grew to truly believe that he was the perfect one and that he thinks the same of me as well. But yesterday, I accidently saw hundreds of emails of him chatting with random girls on dating site (from plenty of fish or Craig list) He admitted that he has been doing so for more than a year but denied meeting any of them in person or having any physical contact with them. All he did was flirting with random girls, making up unreal identify about himself (to ease pressure from real life) and sometimes having online sexual chat with ones that are more opened to it. He told me that he was curious to start with because he couldn’t get enough care/attention from me and because we only have once a week routine sex (which is not enough for him). Later on, he became more into it that he couldn’t stop even though he knew how this may affect our relationship if I find out. He said it was never meant for me to find out and that was just gonna be a secret part of what he does outside of his restricted normal world. Maybe he was going to stop doing it after we get married.
I am really sad and shocked about this. I always believed or he always presented to be the type of man who shows no interest in chatting with girls or hanging out with girls. His world is always revolved around computer, cell phone, cars and other newest technique. Most of his friends are guys who are in stable relationship for > 5 years or shy single guys. For the past 15 years, he never had any close girl’s friend (that I know of) whom he would chat or hang out with. I understand that part of the reason is because he knew I don’t like him hang out with other girls. However, I still believe that he shouldn’t pretend/ portray to be who he isn’t if that’s not him completely (despite if I like it or not), especially after 15 years!!!
For background information, we are a somehow traditional Asian-Canadian couple. I moved in with him last year after our engagement but I stay at my parents’ place 1-3nights a week. I admit that sometimes I placed school and family in front of him and therefore did not give him enough attention at times. For our sex life, I am an attractive girl and I am never shy in bed. For our routine, I admit that sometimes I get lazy of having all the foreplay or >2/week sex but I do try to make it enjoyable for us by dressing up, watching porn together or playing different characters at times. I understand that he has needs and must be curious about the outer world since I am his only sexual partner (from what I know) but I am not sure if online dating forum is a right thing/ outlet to have?

Until yesterday, I truly loved and believed in him. I am not the type of girl that checks on his cell phone, email contacts or schedules. I believed that he is a smart guy who knows what he is doing but now I am not sure if I know him anymore. It would be less shocking if I knew him to be the type of person who shows interest to everyone. But he has the type of personality who wouldn’t initiate a conversation or stay in it for too long. Knowing that he actually “actively” approach random girls on website and asking to chat with them on msn/ phone just shocks me. I felt he cannot be trusted anymore and I don’t know what to do. I cant foresee myself walking down the aisle in three months and truly believe that he is the one now. I cannot imagine looking into his eyes and saying I do without feel uncertain about it. I don’t know what to do.
It might not be as serious as the actual physical cheating event but some part of me felt that he did. I don’t know if this is a big enough event for me to disregard all the goods time with him or this is just a typical little thing like watching porns (coz he said he is just doing what most guys would do).

I think the main issue is that I felt I don’t know parts of him and that I cannot trust him anymore. I don’t feel secure enough to marry a guy that I cannot trust but at the same time I don’t know if I should give up all these years of us for an event like this. Am I making a big deal out of it or it is truly unacceptable? Should I suck up with it?

I figure I have few options but would love to hear others’ opinions:

1) Just put an end to everything and cancel the wedding
(But he carries great expectation and responsibility from his family and canceling of the wedding would just disown his whole family. I love his family too and hate to disappoint them in anyway, plus knowing how he is (type A perfectionist), his perfect world would crush)

2) give him a second chance to gain my trust back but cancel the wedding
(a better option but our relationship has changed already and I don’t want to become the type of girl that’s suspicious and insecure all the time. Plus I don’t know what to tell his parents to minimize the harm)

3) Pretend nothing happened and continue the wedding (it would be easier for our family and life) even though I don’t trust him anymore

[Omers]

Is couples counseling an option? I don't think this is something that is going to be resolved with an "I do". Better to do the work now than later IMO. I think even if you had to postpone the wedding it would be better than a divorce down the road. But it's just my opinion and I know that there are a lot of cultural expectations here that I don't understand.

[Yoda]

What if there was no online communication? Is this person really the person you want to spend your whole life with?

It is okay to say you need more time. That is best if you are unsure. I was pressured by my now exhusband when I said I wanted more time. I should have waited. Better to wait another six months or year and be certain you really want to be together forever.

[heartbreaker1980]

Thank you omers and yoda.

Couples counseling seems like an option. He told me today that he would go for counseling and that we can do couple counseling when I am ready. I think i will try that.

It would embarress him and his family alot to postpon the wedding but like you said, it is probably better to be safe than sorry. I still love him but I have the fear that the same kind of event or something worse will happend several years down the road when everything becomes too stable and routine again.

Yoda, when you said you needed more time before you married your ex. Was it because you were not ready for it or because you couldnt fully trust him yet?

Is online chating a normal thing like chatting on msn? He deleted his accounts and all the emails yesterday (he said "because its the right thing to do" "so he would quit") so I couldnt even judget the contents myself. I am not even sure if this is a emontional affair becoz he said its random.....

thank you everyone for the support

[Yoda]

I wanted to wait to get married because we got engaged three months after we met and then I started having doubts and wanted to wait until I graduated from college. He and I had already had conflicts over sex and some things. But he pressured me to marry so I did.

[makojess]

I think that is a pretty big breach of trust. AT the very least I would put off the wedding til you felt he earned your trust back. I feel online dating it becoming pretty normal. I have a female friend that constantly meeting men from Plenty of Fish. It seems people on Craigslist is more interested in a hook-up.

I met my boyfriend on an online dating service that was more geared to "geeks". Trying to met a person with my interests..wasn't something that was going to happen at a bar or something.

It could be he was just curious, but I would still not jump into that boat. Divorce can be messing. I know it is hard to leave a long term relationship, but sometimes it is for the best.

Best wishes in whatever you decide.