[Rose76]

The love of my life and I no longer live together. But, we were still very, very close.

This has been an over 20 year relationship. We are in our mature years.

We moved out West from the East coast together years ago. Lived together for years, split, back together, split. Never split as couple just living arrangement. He has handicap accessible apartment in nice place where I know he would be okay if something happened to me. (His income very low.) He can drive and walk well enough to do his own errands and gardens and cooks. He is thriving.

I'm in bad shape and have lost my good income, got fired. I am deeply depressed. In this condition, I avoid him because me being depressed has always annoyed him. (When I'm not depressed, he thinks I'm great.)

I had been staying away from him for 2 weeks. Last night, I went to his place and he made me dinner and it felt good to not be alone. Then I became despondent.

He suggested I go back to the East coast (permanently) and see if family will take me in. I have two sisters there and they would not like it, at all, if I showed up with no where else to go.

I am devastated and I believe he is no longer in love with me. That leaves me exceedingly alone in this world and that can become insupportably lonely.

He advised I clear out my apartment and drive back East.

I cared for this man through alcoholism, stroke, heart surgery, spinal surgery. I am in agony in my grief over feeling unloved. He cares. But not so deeply as I have wished to believe.

I feel cast off and I am in agony.

[makojess]

I can't offer much more than a hug. That is pretty tough.

[online user]

Oh, Rose, I am so sorry. I feel your pain. Is there a possibility that you have misunderstood? That, in your despondence over losing your job and your current separation from him, that you are seeing the worst rather than the possible? OK, so you are probably destined to be separate from him, but, are there other people/things which would keep you where you are?

It's probably best not to make a rash decision when you in tough circumstances. Have you checked out what resources might be in your area to help you? Do you have any job prospects there? Where would YOU prefer to live? Give yourself some time to make decisions. And do take care of yourself, dear!

[Rose76]

on-line user:
I suspect you may be right that I am putting things in the worst possible context, due to pain/despondency. No, he never did love me exactly how I wanted him to, but who in the world gets that. He cares, but has an unfortunate knack for saying just the most ill-chosen words, at just the worst possible time. And he has done this to me so often that I am scarred by it.

No, I will not leave where I am. I have more available support from society's "social safety net" by staying here, because "length of residency" can impact benefits. I have almost free public health care now, due to low income, as a resident of the county I live in - because I am an established resident. These are the things he doesn't even consider when he spouts off. And he is not unintelligent. He panic's. When he sees me panicking, often he goes into panic mode. It's his nature. He's a born follower.

So many times in the past, though, I've had to cool-headedly strategize to extricate him from tough situations. I have been there for him really Big-Time in awful tough times. That's why it hurts so bad when he dismisses my plight with an inane suggestion, and then goes back to watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" and just chuckling away at the sit-com.

After 27 years (come April 15th), I doubt I'll ever separate from him. I just wish I felt wanted by him - as I've made him feel wanted, times when he had nothing to offer, except himself, whom I dearly loved.

I'm checking resources and working on decisions, that must not be made rashly. If anything I get paralyzed and am frozen from making decisions.

Today I am better than I was yesterday.

Thanks for kind replies from you both above.

[online user]

Came back to see how you were. I don't read this forum as much as some of the others.

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better and have some sense of direction for yourself, as to where you want to be. You seem to really be looking at things as realistically as you probably can right now, in your pain. I am amazed at the grasp yo seem to have of your situation and what it means for you. I know a lot of this is new pains being felt, perhaps on top of old hurts. He may be doing the best he can for you right now, from the way you describe him. He is obviously not thinking rationally but speaking out of some likely unconscious fear, that something may be required of him, more than he is able to give. For me, that is a sorrow in itself, to be forced to see your love as he is, not as the man you would have liked him to be. Hugs to you again!

[Rose76]

regarding above post: so very well said.