The man I've been dating for the past 3 months just broke up with me. We actually met 10 years ago, but he was dating my friend. They dated off and on for a few years, it never worked out, but they remained friends. My friend got married in December 2010 and this man & I ran into each other there. We spent the evening together and had a great time. We had our first date a few weeks later in January even though, my friend had told this man a few years ago 'under no uncertain terms' he was not to go out with me. I assumed at the time my friend told this man not to go out with me, her close friend, because she still had issues with him and didn't want to let go. I figured it would be awkward for her to see him with me even though, she had moved on with her current husband.

So, we started dating in January. We were definitely taking things slowly and only seeing each other once a week or so. I have a teenager and usually only get one night a week to myself when he goes with his dad so the once a week dates were fine by me for the time being. As soon as we started dating, we were intimate and he would spend the night at my house on our dates. It was very comfortable and everything felt right. We enjoyed each other and had nice things in common. He always made himself at home usually by just walking in, getting a beer, and putting his feet up. It was as if we'd been together for years. Very comfortable. We are both very easy going people who are happy just staying home watching tv or going out to a movie. We are simple people who enjoy the simple things. He is 44 and I am 40.

This man and I did not spend a lot of time talking to each other between dates. He is very much a loner. He does not use a cell phone and never uses his phone at home. He does most of his communication on Facebook and spends most of his time at home with his dog. He is a part time physician, has a lot going for him, but had not dated or been intimate with a woman for over year until he got together with me. When I asked him 'why', he had no real reason. He attends a group get together once a week or every other week and that is really the only socialization with others he has. He has a few friends he cycles/bikes with in the summer, but other than that, I don't even think heeven has a so-called best friend. He works part time because he says he doesn't want to be ruled by work and wants to have a life. Most doctors work so much and although he loves his profession, he'd rather work part time, make less money, and "have a life".

Anyway, I knew about his quirks and I was okay with them. Honestly, it was one of the things that attracted me to him. I am so used to men who spend time going to bars, over-working, etc., that knowing he was at home on a Friday night while I was doing the same was almost kind of comforting. It made me more trusting of him knowing he wasn't out possibly meeting other women. I've been cheated on and lied to many times. My marriage ended 4 years ago because my ex had affairs.

So, last week he started acting very distant with me. He wasn't returning my phone calls or emails. I tried to arrange a few dates and he had an excuse to get out of each. Finally, he returned a Facebook message of mine this past Monday that said, "I don't think we should keep doing
this". That's it. I replied in shock mainly because I was obviously getting dumped by email and I couldn't believe that this 44 year old man didn't have the nerve to honestly confront me. I replied to his message and told him he was being juvenile and that he needed to call me so we could talk. He finally got back to me Tuesday evening by replying to my message. He told me to call him. He said if he was home he'd answer the phone (he rarely does answer) and that I could yell at him.

So, I called and all he could say was that it was for the best that we end our relationship now before I get any closer to him. He said all his relationships end this way and that every woman he dates, he does this to. Period. I asked him if this was the reason why my friend told him to stay away from me....because he would probably do this to me and he said, 'yes'. I had no clue that was the reason. He never said a word about it in the beginning.

I called my friend and told her what had just happened. She did not know we had even been dating. We kept it from her because she had told him to stay away from me. We were both afraid of upsetting her so we kept it a secret. She told me that he is a total committment phobe and is completely incapable of having a relationship. When they dated, he broke up with her after a few months and did the same thing to her. They got back together a few months later and just when they started to get close again and she started to think things might actually go somewhere, he ended it. Somehow, they managed to remain friends for all these years even spending platonic time alone together in between her various love affairs (until she met her current husband). My friend said she knows a few other women who have experienced the same thing with him. He is just incapable of letting someone in and having a real relationship. She said she warns all women about him.

The problem is that I am honestly in love with him. I have not felt this way about a man in 3 years. I am very picky when it comes to dating and he was just what I was looking for. He's 44, secure and stable, no kids (I don't want anymore), is extremely smart and funny, etc. I'm 40 years old and really ready to settle down again. I've dated countless men since my divorce with no luck. Like I said, I'm picky. I thought this man wanted the same considering he's never been married. I really thought us getting together was meant to be and had a lot of potential. I guess I'm a romantic and thought after 10 years, my failed marriage, our friend getting married, etc., it was just meant to be. Fyi, this man is a proclaimed skeptic. He is a scientist who questions everything. The romance thing does not affect him at all.

I cannot believe that he could just drop me like a hot potato as if I'm nothing. I feel used and abused. I know he likes me. He may not be in love with me the way I am with him, but I know he feels something. He just refuses to let anyone in. He refuses to allow himself to get close to anyone. My friend tells me she even talked to his sister years ago and even his sister says something is definitely wrong. He has a great family. Both sisters are married with kids and their parents are still together and very happy. His family is baffled by him. Apparently, no one knows what his problem is.

Anyway, I'm hurt and I can't get this idea out of my head about getting him back. I keep thinking that he'll eventually message me on Facebook to talk again. Realistically, this probably won't happen, but I love him and want him back.

I'm so confused. How can someone just throw away a person and relationship that is good? How can someone be so insensitive? What is wrong with this 44 year old man and what is wrong with me???

[madisgram]

well first of all there is nothing wrong with you!
this man is exactly what you said-a committment phobe. there is no percentage in your remaining involved with him in a romance way. no matter how comfortable you felt with him he's not going to change his ways and overnight be the companion you desire. no way, no how.
i don't know why he's this way. clearly he has major issues.
i have an older brother this way. he's 64 now, broken many a heart, and remains single. his life could've been enriched by so many lovely women he's dated. i don't think this guy can change either. your description of him sounds like he's even guarded in social interaction. you deserve better than this. i'd move on and hopefully you'll find "mr. right".

[Perna]

I don't see that analyzing him can help. It is too bad you did not take the relationship as casually as he did, did not read the "signs". I have a guy friend who seems a bit similar to yours and that's just how he likes his life; to each his own? My friend though would marry each woman right away and then get divorced (he doesn't date now, like your guy, and jokes that next time he'll just give the woman a house instead of marrying her (what ultimately happened with his two ex-wives)).

I'm sorry you have this guy to "get over" (or make friends with; my guy works well as a friend because he use to work with my husband so is "our" friend and there's never been anything sexual about it but he and I are the same age and have a bit more in common interest-wise than he and my husband) but I'd give him up; if he has a pattern of behavior and likes it for himself, I don't see why he sh/would change it for you?

I met with my friend yesterday and we discussed this man I'm grieving over. She just kept trying to tell me there's no changing him and that he's incapable of a relationship, period. He did the same thing to her and she spent years trying to figure him out. She finally moved on even after he tried to get back together with her. Unfortunately, all I can think about is maybe he'll try to get back together with me. Maybe there's still a chance. Although, he'd just disappoint me again and it wouldn't work out.

I can't stop thinking about him. I love him and I can't stop thinking about ways to possibly get his attention so he'll come back to me. I know this is crazy. I feel crazy. I am depressed.

I'm also having problems with my son so this doesn't make things any better. I'm really struggling in general and starting to feel as if there's no end in sight. I feel as if I'll be alone forever and never find true happiness.

I feel like a failure as a mother and a woman. I can't make my son happy or fix his problems and I can't find a decent man. I'm very picky so this has always been a difficult task for me anyway.

I'm just tired of being alone and depressed. I want out.

You aren't a failure at all - You just dated the wrong guy - I think every single woman across the globe has done that.

this man is very set in his ways and he isn't going to change. look at his habits - he sounds very anti-social. Not that that's a bad thing, but his lack of social skills is a hint at why he can't have a long-term or serious relationship with a woman. Even if he did come back to you, he'd be inexperienced in having a deep relationship...I know you are tired of being alone, but trust me, it's better to be alone then to be in a bad relationship.

You will get over this - find things to occupy your time and to do, especially in those moments when you are thinking about him, and do things where you might meet someone more deserving of your love. You deserve someone who can give it back to you.