[Yoda]

My mother and father divorced when I was five years old. I was their only child. They both remarried; my father had a son fifteen years younger than me and my mother had two daughters ten years younger than me. I didn't see my brother much because my dad lived far from me. We are cordial but not close. My dad is a selfish person and in 2006 when I had no income I asked him for money to keep the electric on and he declined. A couple years ago my son and I drove five hours to see him and his wife and I had planned on staying three or four days but he asked me to leave on the second day because our presence was stressing his wife. My son and I are low maintenance. We don't need cooked meals, sandwiches are fine. But whatever we left.

Now about my mom and sisters. They are a codependent mess. They all live together. Neither of my sisters have had a romantic relationship ever. The closest was one of my sisters had a date for the high school prom. They do everything together and have few friends that are not family. I have felt as though I didn't belong with them for several years. One time my sister was talking about how much money the lottery was and how much they would have after they split it three ways, split between the two sisters and my mom. Another time one sister brought a cup of tea upstairs for my other sister and mentioned that the tea was something they did special sometimes. Nobody asked me if I wanted tea.

My uncle and aunt are in this week to visit family. They don't come often because it is a ten hour drive. I was invited to come visit the for lunch yesterday but I didn't wake up until 1:30pm and thought they would be gone by the time I took a shower. They were there until 9pm but I didn't know that until today. I talked to my mom a few minutes ago asking how long they will be in town. She told me they planned to visit their grandchildren tomorrow and leave town Friday. Then she said that tomorrow (Thursday) they were going to pick her up in the afternoon and meet my sisters for dinner. My son and I were not invited for dinner. I have enough money to pay for our dinner and I feel left out once again.

There are so many other examples of how I don't fit in with either family but I don't want to drag this on and on because I think you get the idea.

What should I do? Should I stop caring that I have no family? It seems that my son is the only one who cares. I feel isolated and sad.

[Leed]

I'd say it was time for a sit-down talk with Mom & sisters. You know, they might think that the present arrangement is ok with you. There could be some misunderstanding here ~ it seems like you don't communicate very well with your family. I'm not saying it's YOUR fault ~ the family IS pretty dysfunctional. LOL Why not TELL them how you feel?? They aren't mind readers -- like I said, they could think you like things the way they are for one reason or another. Let them know you feel left out. If I were you, I'd feel left out too ! As far as your father ~ who knows. That was pretty rotten to ask you to leave cause his wifey was "nervous." Get real.

I hope you can get things straightened around ~ it would be much nicer for you & your son if you had a better relationship with your Mom. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

just me-i'd write a short note to tell your aunt and uncle that you're sorry you missed them on their visit. perhaps they don't understand your abscence for lunch.
it sounds like you have a dysfunctional family similar to mine. my T gave me some good advice. he said, how do you stay healthy in an unhealthy relationship (family in my case)? his answer was keep a healthy distance from them. you don't have to cut them off totally just keep interactions to a minmum and have an exit plan. if you don't you will feel slighted and hurt over and over again. i filled my life and son's life with awesome friends. i had created my own "family". they value me as a friend and care for me warts and all. an example of this-one of my friend's son was my son's best man at his wedding. my son met him through my friendship with the father. i love my family but accept they can be very toxic to me. hope this reply helps. it's not you but your family who are unhealthy. usually there is no logic to the behavior so don't take the blame.be glad you can be out of their arena. know it hurts but some of us are not blessed with a loving family.

[LibraryWench]

I also have a dysfunctional family that does the same kind of stuff to me. They say BP isn't real and I'm just a drama queen, they gossip beind my back and cut me off from other family by what they say abt me. Since I'm new my posts are moderated but I wrote a thread about something very similar that should be up soon.

My tdoc told me to consider whether the price of dealing with them is worth payments I always have to make because it always hurts my mental state. I am trying hard to pull away but it's a drag not to have family, especially when you don't have good friends to help you through stuff.

Eventually they will start saying stuff to your son like they did to mine. You don't need that. Son and I went through some tough times because of their meddling. That hurt the worst.

I know it's very hard, but protect yourself and your boy's feelings from them. No good can come from dealing with them. As my tdoc says, we can't change other people, only ourselves and our actions.

[2MuchCoffee]

Is there room left in the boat? Good, cuz I'm climbin' in. I know exactly what you're talking about, been-there-done-that-got-the-t-shirt with my family's picture on it. I have no one left but my two kids and any friends I can make along the way.

You have every right to feel slighted by the whole thing. I agree with Leed that you should try telling your family how you feel. See what they say AND what they do after that. But if they can't change, then like what madisgram said, you may need to maintain a healthy distance from now on.

From my own personal experience - My life has been much happier since I installed the "healthy distance" with my family. The biggest motivation in that for me was my kids - I don't want them to have the same mental abuse I went through with my mom and I don't want them exposed to the alcoholism either.

Best wishes to you! Come to PC for online friends anytime.

[Yoda]

I had been thinking that perhaps the reason that my family chose not to invite my son and I to dinner was because we had complained about the service and food at Bob Evans restaurant and they were going to go there.

But no. My sister wrote in facebook "Just finished dinner at Olive Garden with my dear aunt and uncle. They are heading back to North Augusta, SC tomorrow." So I wrote on her facebook, "How lovely. Wish I could have been there".

I think you all are right, I probably should talk to them about how I feel when they exclude me. Somehow I think though they will twist it to be my fault for being the one that doesn't fit in. But I guess I don't have much to lose.

Thank you for your support, my friends.

[Yoda]

So I drove to Dairy Queen and got a sandwich and drink. As I was sitting there eating I realized they had given me the senior citizen's discount. I am only 52.

[Leed]

Talk about a slap in the face!!! HOW INSULTING!! lol

You just didn't need that today! By the way, you look 39. Hugs, Lee

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by Leed

Talk about a slap in the face!!! HOW INSULTING!! lol

You just didn't need that today! By the way, you look 39. Hugs, Lee

Agreed.

[AAAAA]

This may sound flippant, but why would you want to spend time with them? A discussion may (or may not) ensure future invitations but from what you’ve said now and in the past, is that really the family dynamic that you want to expose your son to?

I have a difficult time turning down an acquaintance when it comes to someone in need, I have no idea how one would turn down your own child!

But perhaps they felt that since you missed lunch you had no desire to come to dinner. I’m pretty selective about who I spend time with. Most of the time I turn down invitations because I don’t want to go, but even to myself the excuses I give sound like a blow off. To those people I do want to spend time with I say “I really cannot make it but please invite me again because I enjoy your company.” I have found that makes a difference.

I suffer from sleep issues myself. I sleep when I can get it and sometimes it isn’t convenient. If I had a choice in the matter I’d sleep from 10 pm to 6 am like the rest of the civilized world. Someone that does not have these issues may not understand and have the attitude “if you cannot be bothered to drag your butt out of bed at a decent time then why should I go out of my way to accommodate you?” Which was an actual comment made to me because I missed a social gathering because of a “mere” headache (a migraine that lasted for three days).

If a similar situation occurs in the future, why not contact Aunt and Uncle (or whomever) directly and host your own dinner or lunch so you are not depending on anyone else for an invitation?

FYI – most fast food restaurants give the discounts to ppl 50 and above. (Eligible for AARP @ 50.)

[Yoda]

I understand what you are saying, AAAAA. I don't always want to be with them. Particularly the younger sister who is bossy and rude. I have turned down invitations to Easter dinners and such when I knew she would be there. In fact my other sister avoids her too. She told me that she often schedules vacation days when she knows the younger sister will be working so that she can have some peace without being bossed around.

The 'nice' sister often treats me well. We don't have the same kind of bond that she has with the other sister but I know she means well. For my 50th birthday my 'nice' sister bought me 5 Breyer model horses, each for a decade of my life.

I was talking to the 'nice' sister on the phone this evening and she mentioned that she and younger sister were attending a wedding Saturday. Both sisters used to work for AT&T so I asked if it was a former coworker's wedding. She said no, it was a nurse that my sister works with. Then she said that our mom was going to attend also. To me that seems a bit strange to go to a wedding when you know neither the bride nor groom. I could understand wanting to bring somebody if you would know nobody at the wedding but my sister will see coworkers there. They do this sort of thing often as if the trio are a unit that cannot do things as individuals. So in their minds I don't think they are consciously trying to exclude me, it's more that they have been codependent for so long that it feels natural to them.

That's a good idea to arrange to meet my aunt and uncle myself so that I don't get left out again. They both have always been good to me and I would like to see them.