[Izraehl]

I tend to worry a lot about relationship stuff. Either that, or I get a little jealous or just in 'bad moods' I guess. Lately it's been a taking a toll on her.

For example, if there is an object or something that I suspect is from her past relationship (like a gift or something he gave to her) I might ask her about it (which is kind of destructive inherently) and she might not want to tell me the story behind it because she knows this kind of thing upsets me, so she may respond with 'Oh someone I sued to know gave that to me' and she'll avoid giving me details. This just makes me think 'Why is she keeping this from me?!' even thought I honestly have no proof that object is even FROM her past relationship.

Another example, she's not very affectionate in public and that gets to me. Rather, she just shows it in different ways than I do. I'm all for hugging and kissing and saying I love you (to a degree) but she isn't that kind of person. It's as if she doesn't even think about doing those type of things. She expresses affection in different ways such as spending time together, cuddling a bit, and other ways. However, we've been dating for a few months now and she's only said 'I Love You' maybe 4-5 times without me saying it first. Another thing thing, if I were to say I love you randomly or put my arm around her, she look at me like 'why are you doing this?' like I have to have some ulterior motive. Maybe that's just how she is though? Maybe in her life I love yous and hugs weren't given without reason? (I read 5 Love Languages, I took it to mind but I may need help implementing it)

One last example, trying to keep it PG13, we've been physically intimate for a while but not 'all the way', just playing around here or there. But recently we hit 'all the way', we continued to do so every time we saw each other for about a week (not too much). Now, it's been nearly two weeks and I'm going into surgery on Tuesday which will prevent me from participating in these acts for maybe another 2-3 weeks. It seems like she just doesn't desire to do anything even though she knows it's bugging me and I wont physically be able to do anything until after I'm recovered. We're seeing each other tomorrow and if she doesn't want to do anything I swear I'm going to go crazy because isn't it kind of like neglecting me? I told her 'I wont be able to do anything for maybe 4 weeks I'd really like to do something before surgery and I might not be able to see you until after!' and she said 'well that Sunday night before it we'll see each other!'. She was right, I'll see her Sunday night. To me it sounded like she was planning on doing something with me then, but if not, should I really be taking offense? first of all I'm a 21 year old guy and I know my libido is pretty active and i'm biologically needy right now, and i'm not sure if I'm expecting too much or what. I feel like I shouldn't have to wait four weeks and she knows its bugging me.

Now, adding up those three examples, I tend to get worked up a bit. I don't really have much to distract myself from the relationship right now either because school's out and, like i said, surgery is coming up with quite a recovery time afterward. I'll be stuck at home a lot mulling over relationship issues. I know I lack self esteem, confidence, and according to my T I don't feel like i deserve to be loved which can explain all of these, and I think I agree.

They tend to take control of my mind and it protrudes through when I speak to her, and it stresses her out because she doesn't feel like anything is wrong in the relationship and it makes her feel like she keeps doing stuff wrong and she's trying but I'm just not getting it. It kind of scares her I guess. It scares me too. I'm tired of not accepting her for her, because believe me, and this isn't the 'honeymoon phase' coming out of me, logically, this girl is amazing in so many ways. I DO feel like I'm extremely lucky to have her, like I don't deserve her. I'm afraid, in the end, it's that mindset which will push her away.

[JeanneDoe]

I feel the same way you do for the most part. I wish I had answers. I hope maybe we can all learn to see things differently. I find every little thing makes me stress and worry about my relationship. No fun.

[JeanneDoe]

Sorry I did not really have any advice, I am having a hard time putting things together lately.

[lone_twin4]

When I was reading your post, I was struck by how much your girl reminds me of myself. I am not very affectionate in public, I've been with my guy for about 4 months with no 'I Love Yous' (sometimes I get close to blurting it out and then decide it might freak him out!), I am also not very affectionate in public and my libido is not very high. None of this is because I have any personal problem with my other half - I definitely find him attractive, I love spending time with him. It's because I am inexperienced, uncomfortable outside of my comfort zone, and have not got great self-esteem. Maybe your girl feels similarly about herself as I do.

You sound like a thoughtful, sensitive guy who's pretty self-aware. One thing struck me as being destructive in your relationship and that is your feelings of being neglected because she won't have sex with you before your surgery. Now, I would want to know how my boyfriend feels about our sex life but it might upset me if he said he felt neglected. It's important that sex does not become something you 'owe' each other. It's cool that you explained that you would like to do something before your surgery but maybe go a bit further, if you haven't, and talk to her how you feel about yourself, and that you can perhaps misinterpret her behavior in ways that aren't constructive for you... that came out kind of dry, I'm just trying to think of what I would want my partner to say! It's fair and natural that you want to have sex -- and your desire for her probably makes her feel really good! -- but I doubt she is purposefully neglecting you and there are other reasons she does not intitiate it.

I guess I would suggest talking quite openly about sex with her. Even though you can't have sexual intimacy after your surgery she could be really helpful for you to help you take your mind off things whilst school's out.

And as for objects I guess the same... it is pretty normal to keep some things if they are useful, but like you said the things might not even be from her past relationships. Possibly even when you got to the root of those things and found that nothing she owns is from past relationships, you would find another thing to stress about so you need to talk about why gifts from her exes worry you. For me this is the other way around - I chucked all my ex's stuff out but my partner spent a long time getting over his ex, maybe a year, and sometimes I do suspect he still misses her. But that is natural, and it would also be natural of him to miss her considering how much time they spent together.

Say what you said to us! That you feel lucky to have her but that your T says... etc.

I hope that kind of makes sense and sorry that I probably missed out/misinterpreted a bunch of stuff.

All the best

[RomanSunburn]

It sounds like your relationship is still pretty new. I believe you said you've only been together a few months? My fiance and I, when we started dating, waited four months before we even started saying it. And I believe it was a couple months after that before we got used to saying it all the time.

Has your girlfriend dated a lot in the past? Has she had many serious relationships? Has she been intimate with others before you? Maybe she isn't used to serious relationships yet, or she likes to have a sense of independence while dating (thus not much PDA). Perhaps she second guesses herself or is shy. Maybe she doesn't like to rush things. There could be a million reasons for her behavior. I feel you should talk to her about what has been on your mind. Try to be gentle, otherwise she might feel the need to be defensive. I think the key to relationships is honesty and communication.

Try to remember that just because you are in a relationship, you are not entitled to sex. Being intimate is an important part of a relationship, but both parties have to be comfortable, respected and feel safe.

Take care! I hope you are able to talk to her and work things out.

[Emotionally Dead]

Well, first of all, you need to know that this may not be the right girl for you. You're someone who needs that kind of affection and she isn't giving it to you. That doesn't mean it WON'T work, it just means that you have to be aware that it might not.

She doesn't seem like a bad person or seem like she doesn't love you, she just seems to be one of those shy people. A lot of people don't like to show affection publicly, and find it hard to be intimate at all for that matter. Sometimes it's just because they're shy, and sometimes it's because they're going through the same thing as you. While you feel like you don't deserve her yet you show it to her all the time with the hugs the kisses and the "I love you's", she may have the same problem yet doesn't do these things because she feels like since she doesn't deserve you it would freak you out.

People just deal with things differently, and of course, people are completely different personality wise. I don't know her so I can't tell you whether she just isn't that way (as far as the affectionate type goes) or just is too shy, but the first thing you need to do is sit down and tell her how you feel and let her tell you how she feels. You don't want to force her to be that way but at the same time you need that comfort that it's not that she doesn't love you and that it's just something like what I mentioned above.

Also, if you're in a new relationship you need to give it time as well. Things can change in relationships and as she grows to feel more comfortable with you she might find it easier to show you this affection. But, like I said, first you need to talk with her. And again, if you find out that she doesn't love you the way you'd hoped or that she can't give you that affection she might not be the one for you, but don't ever sell yourself out by saying you don't deserve her.

Wishing you the best.

[Izraehl]

Thanks for the replies everybody!

As a response, I'd like to say that she's probably one of the most independent girls I've ever met. She is number one in her life, and I find that admirable and she's kind of a role model for me in that aspect because I'm used to putting so much effort into pleasing other people. She's always showing me how important it is to make yourself number one in your life, not your friends, not the relationship, but you. She's very confident and not a bit shy about her body or anything. So I don't believe that's really an issue. Also, she does have a couple years of relationship/intimacy history and I a have bit more than she does. However, there are some big differences between us when it comes to our past relationships: Mine was fast moving, always seeing each other, and had a lot of physical intimacy as where hers developed rather slowly, they could only physically see each other every couple weeks (they spoke and sent texts a lot though), and I'm not sure how often they had sex, I'm assuming just as often as they saw each other.

Anyway, the big thing here is that she takes things slowwwlyyyyy compared to what I know and it is something I had to get used to, but I thought it would be a great lesson to learn. Patience is a virtue after all.

So maybe she isn't shy, per se, but maybe she's just still taking things slowly?

I asked her a while ago about why she never really says I love you to me and she said it was because she just never thought about it. Same with random hugs and what not. I was kind of offended by this in a 'well what do you mean you never really think about it??' way... I have a hard time understanding that. I guess it comes down to personality and experience I guess. Maybe her one ex boyfriend was never openly affectionate or never gave random hugs or anything, and since it's her only major relationship experience, maybe she just picked up on it and based a relationship model off of that?

I've spoken to her about this stuff before and it just makes her feel like she's failing, which just makes me think that she's showing affection in her own ways and I'm just not recognizing it as much as I'd like to. I don't think this is a 'her fault' or 'my fault' issue, but it's a mix of factors really. Nothing that cannot be understood with some thought. What do you guys think?