[beautychic]

My boyfriend is going through a divorce he filed because his wife left him a year and half ago and we had been together for 6 months til a week ago. His wife says she has a mass on her brain that may not even be true but constantly does evil things to him like use the kids (they have 3 young ones together) to get what she wants, tries to get him in trouble with the law and wanted nothing to do with him until we started dating and became jealous now that he is making a lot of money now and she wants him to take care of her and yet goes and sees other guys secretly that he found out about and now he says he wants to be with me but can't because he is confused on his feelings for her whether its bc of her illness and he feels its his responsibility to be there for her or bc he misses her and didn't want the family broken up in the first place. He says he knows deep down that it won't work out with her ever again because she has done so much to him and he can never trust her because he she still lies to him he says but still loves me. He doesn't want to be with her anymore and can't let go of her emotionally, so how can he so we both can move on in our relationship? We are both desperate in finding a way for him to let go of his emotions for her and just be friends for the kids sake so we can move on together as well.

[beautychic]

We are both broke financially due to lawyers and so forth and have been desperately seeking counseling help that will be willing to help us together and individually free until we can get on our feet financiallly. This has depressed us too far. Please help!!!

[hahalebou]

I don't know how much help I'll be since I've never been in a similar situation, but maybe you two should just take a break until the divorce is final. I know it will be hard for the both of you, but situations like that can get pretty messy very quickly. Step away from the relationship so you can give him time to sort out his feelings, and you can have some time to breathe and distance yourself from the chaotic situation.

I'm sure someone else has better advice, but that's the best I can come up with. Good luck to both of you.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by beautychic

My boyfriend is going through a divorce he filed because his wife left him a year and half ago and we had been together for 6 months til a week ago. His wife says she has a mass on her brain that may not even be true but constantly does evil things to him like use the kids (they have 3 young ones together) to get what she wants, tries to get him in trouble with the law and wanted nothing to do with him until we started dating and became jealous now that he is making a lot of money now and she wants him to take care of her and yet goes and sees other guys secretly that he found out about and now he says he wants to be with me but can't because he is confused on his feelings for her whether its bc of her illness and he feels its his responsibility to be there for her or bc he misses her and didn't want the family broken up in the first place. He says he knows deep down that it won't work out with her ever again because she has done so much to him and he can never trust her because he she still lies to him he says but still loves me. He doesn't want to be with her anymore and can't let go of her emotionally, so how can he so we both can move on in our relationship? We are both desperate in finding a way for him to let go of his emotions for her and just be friends for the kids sake so we can move on together as well.

I write this with genuine concern for you, this man, his wife and their three children. Married people who want to get with someone new will often talk poorly about their spouse. It helps them cope with the guilt they feel for betraying their marriage vows and neglecting their children in pursuit of a new, exciting relationship. I think the very best thing you can do for this man and yourself is to encourage him to go away from you, work things out with his wife and become a better parent to his three young children, who need both their mother and their father. True love wants the very best for the loved one, and the very best for this man is to be with his wife and family.

[Leed]

A triangle like this never works out. Even if he DOES end up with you, sooner or later he's going to resent the relationship because he won't have his kids. He's going to wish he hadn't broken up his family, and with he was back with his wife.

You'd be smart to get out of this relationship. He was married when you got involved with him -- you should never get involved with a married man, even if he IS separated from his wife. Say goodbye to him and let him get back with his wife, where he belongs. His kids need him.

You'll find someone who is AVAILABLE and isn't mixed up in a triangle. Best of luck. Hugs, Lee

[nomad73]

I'm not sure I agree about being with his wife being the best thing for him if she cheats on him and is emotionally manipulative of him, as you indicated in your original post. The reality is that she has a no holds barred approach to that relationship, and it's likely she is as equally manipulative with her other relationships, including her children. I definitely feel growing up in a household like that, and learning from your parents that manipulation and lying is a normal part of a marriage is not a good thing for his children. However, the real issue here isn't about him, it's about YOU.

You came here looking for help. You are suffering, and you need to make the decisions now that will keep you safe and healthy. This battle between him and his wife is not yours. The emotional uncertainty he faces is not yours. You owe it to yourself to be honest about what you need out of a healthy, loving relationship, and you need to open yourself up to the idea that you're not going to get that from a man who is still in love with his wife. For whatever reason and based on whatever untruths she may have presented, he is still in love with her, or he would not be unsure of his actions. If you are willing to wait for him to make a decision, that is your prerogative, you should not keep yourself inside that situation, as your presence there is interfering with his ability to make a sound decision based on what is right for him and his children. It stands to reason that if you remove yourself from this triangle, he will be able to focus his energy on making the right decision for him and his children - and you never know, it may even lift the wife's need to fight to have him around. In either case, a loving gesture on your part (loving of yourself and him), would be to remove yourself from the mayhem and offer him the focus he needs to move forward.

I know it will not be easy for you, but like I've said here before, quite often doing the right thing means making the hard decisions. In time, you will be stronger for having done what is right for you and everyone else involved, and that will be empowering and rewarding in its own right, and it likely will prepare you better for future relationships, either with this man or someone new. Love yourself, be the best version of YOU that you can be, and you will be giving a great gift to those in your life. I wish you good luck and a strong heart

[beautychic]

I have greatly appreciated so far what others think and I am definately taking those in stride. He keeps calling me or texting me and always accusing me of talking to another guy already and saying that I don't love him and I will not be single long. He has admitted to being selfish on his part because he wants me available when things get cleared up he says. He does everything he can to keep me in his life as if we were still dating. I have even told him to go to his wife and try to work things out but he says he doesn't want that. He is keeping me confused and hurting and I believe what he says but I don't know what to do because he gets mad if I try to ignore him and why I am so he can focus on what he needs to do to do the right thing. Any ideas of what is going on with this man that I love and who does what he can to show me that he loves me. He even so much as to text me to make sure I am up for work each day! Thanks for everyone giving some insight and advice!

[nomad73]

Personally, I have always found guessing at the motivations of others to be a frustrating and fruitless endeavor... I can't even tell you why I do the things I do half the time. If you asked him why, he probably wouldn't be able to give you an accurate answer. You need to focus on staying healthy yourself, making your decisions based on what you know is good for you, and refusing to be a human yo-yo on a daily basis. Would it be a bad thing if you moved along, met someone new, and had a man in your life who could commit to you and have a loving relationship with you? Sounds great to me, but he's telling you it wouldn't be. It's that type of inconsistent logic you should look out for. He's keeping you off balance so that you can't get your feet on solid ground and make a run for it!