Still feeling like I'm the black sheep at 22

I just needed somewhere for an outlet and am hoping to just find someone who understands me.

I've always known I was an accident. My parents had a rushed married 2 months before I was born and I certain they only married because someone's dad made them once my mother fell pregnant. So I've also always known my dad never wanted me. He told me enough when I was growing up and showed me enough by not ever being around. Went out (and still does) go drinking 5 times a week out of the 7 days. Used to abuse me as a kid and still thinks he can treat me like ****.

It got so bad last Monday that another argument ended in him throwing something at me and hurting me. Well I phoned the police that time (first time I ever felt brave enough to in all the years of pain). But because I didn't press charges, I got told to suck it up basically. He didn't even get a warning, nothing. But how can I press charges and have my mum never talk to me again? (or that's what I thought). I mean he abused her too and yet she's blocked it all from her memory and tells me I'm a liar when I bring it up every time something bad happens again.

To be honest the disappointment and hurt my dad has caused me over the years will never be gone until the bastard is dead. Frankly the cancer he has now isn't killing him quick enough if you ask me.

Now all that said, I thought I could always rely on my mum. That she loved me no matter what. But I'm starting to doubt that more and more.

When I was at college, I was in a few bands with people I met and they used to rehearse at my house. I regret the day I ever brought him home! His names Dan and he now won't ever leave. He's round our house every week and my mums always going on about him. She once said "he's the son I never had". Am I not enough for her? Why isn't she just happy with me?

I've never done anything wrong. Always been a good kid. Never smoked, don't drink, never done drugs. Never been in any trouble. Got a job as soon as I was old enough, studied hard. I'm at university now, studying to be a journalist (I started studying psychology and told my dad I was going to be a brain surgeon in hopes he'd finally say he was proud of me. He told me I'd never make it. How unsurprising. So I gave that up and changed to a subject that I wanted to actually do).

He got kicked out of his house a couple years back because he was beating up his sister and abusing drugs and my parents let him stay here. Now he's back home and I still can't get rid of him. I moved out for a year last year (have only just moved back) and she would phone me every day and go on about Dan. It broke my heart then and I'm finding it even harder to cope now I'm back.

Only reason I'm back is to save money whilst I finish Uni so I can finally travel like I've always wanted (having a drunk for a father meant I had to wait til I was 17 to go on a holiday). Met my boyfriend at college. We've been together 6 years now and he's seen me through a lot of bad ****. But I just don't think I can keep burdening him. He didn't want to come back here as much as I did. But with him finishing Uni and having no job, we really couldn't afford another flat. So I don't want him to think that I can't cope with being here because I'm scared this might just be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Am I alone in the world? Am I the only person whose parents after 20+ years still think they could've done better? I just need someone out there to tell me it's not my fault that I just need to remember that once I leave I can never talk to them again and I can feel happy. Because right now I'm stuck and I just feel so alone. I know I shouldn't be still looking for one of then to say they love me after all these years. But when you don't get it in childhood it screws you up in adulthood right?

Wow there is much on my mind trying to read this...it is very upsetting. So much to say not sure how to say it with gentleness...so I bite my tongue. I'm glad you were able to post.

First and foremost...you are not alone! It is not your fault, and there are many things you can do to avoid that type of thinking as an adult.