[Glimmerofhope]

Hi everyone ,

Boyfriend has left me because of his bi polar after telling me i was the best thing that had ever happeend to him and he was so in love , he met all my family etc and now has dumped me via text - he is not having treatment or counselling for bi polar and refuses to discuss it
he has shut me out completly

i am lost i dont know what to do i love him but cant seem to send anything that will change his mind - any ideas ? i have offered to go to doctors and counselling with him but he just pushes me away and says " find someone better " he assures me he still loves me and says its to stop me getting hurt , will he ever come back to me ?

[Direction]

Well when I'm down I definately push people away...isolating myself. When I'm up its usually better. It sounds like he is kind of winging it (not having treatment or counseling). Does he seem generally down (depressed) right now?

Ultimately to have a meaningful and lasting relationship with him, he really will need help in the isolating area at least such that he doesn't isolate himself from you. How to get there maybe an interesting road...he's got to want that...he's got to put the time and effort in with a professional...and you probably need to learn about bipolar and how to make sure you take care of yourself...

[Glimmerofhope]

Originally Posted by Direction

Well when I'm down I definately push people away...isolating myself. When I'm up its usually better. It sounds like he is kind of winging it (not having treatment or counseling). Does he seem generally down (depressed) right now?

Ultimately to have a meaningful and lasting relationship with him, he really will need help in the isolating area at least such that he doesn't isolate himself from you. How to get there maybe an interesting road...he's got to want that...he's got to put the time and effort in with a professional...and you probably need to learn about bipolar and how to make sure you take care of yourself...

Thank you for the reply - i have read up about it , come on forums like this whatever i do seems wrong- any advice or should i just move on ?

[FeelingHopeful]

Glimmer , so sorry your going through this, i myself have um sort of been struggling too with something similiar , Not surewhatsthe best advice, but def educate yourself best as you can, it will help you understand more and maybe help the relationship Its your decision whether to stay or not, whatever you feel is best for you, in my situation , I am staying , I love him and dont want to give up on him... Whatever you decide pleasetake care of yourself too, wishing you all the best , big hugsto you!!!

[Glimmerofhope]

Originally Posted by FeelingHopeful

Glimmer , so sorry your going through this, i myself have um sort of been struggling too with something similiar , Not surewhatsthe best advice, but def educate yourself best as you can, it will help you understand more and maybe help the relationship Its your decision whether to stay or not, whatever you feel is best for you, in my situation , I am staying , I love him and dont want to give up on him... Whatever you decide pleasetake care of yourself too, wishing you all the best , big hugsto you!!!

thanks for replies - he is ignoring all my texts and offer of support - i'm drained i love him but i feel he dont love himself to get the help that not only he but i deserve - i never wanted a life with someone that would be so up and down i am the one spending hours here reading and researching whilst he buries his head in the sand , all hte best of luck to you too x

[dragonfly2]

Hi -

First, I want to commend your efforts to stay with him and try to help him work through his illness. It takes courage and love to try to fight bipolar disorder. I am sorry he has shut you out like this. I agree that sometimes isolating is part of the illness to some degree.

Before you give up on him, ask yourself: do you think he's safe? Has he been acting irrationally or extremely depressed (beyond breaking up via text). He may honestly not be in his right mind and may need intense professional help (ie: hospitalization) if he is in fact, in an extreme episode.

That being said, something you wrote is a bit concerning:

i never wanted a life with someone that would be so up and down

When you choose to commit to someone with bipolar disorder, this is part of the deal. Even the most treatment-compliant of us will have relapses, some of them severe. I know you are tired of people blaming things on the illness, but some things are a result of it. Should they be tolerated? No. If someone is having multiple affairs or spending a month's income in a weekend, these things have long-lasting implications and the person needs to be willing to work on stabilization, or at least set up a safety net so that these sorts of things don't happen when they are unwell.

So, once you have determined whether or not he is currently safe, you need to ask yourself some hard questions. If he were to come back to you tonight, are you willing to accept the potential roller coaster that he will be on in this life? That he will ultimately take you on with him, but that can be managed (not cured) with the right treatment? Or will you resent him every time he has an episode? He may not be handling this well now, but I think as humans in general, we deserve to have people who can accept us and support us as we are, so long as we are active partners in improving ourselves. Can you do that for him?

[Direction]

Originally Posted by Glimmerofhope

Thank you for the reply - i have read up about it , come on forums like this whatever i do seems wrong- any advice or should i just move on ?

Here's what I'm doing...I do not have a girlfriend, I am not dating, and I'm looking at women as friends so that I can devote time to my recovery so that in the future I will have a better handle on things and really be ready to be in a relationship again.

With bipolar your really need to work it...with professionals, knowing your symptoms, knowing your triggers, knowing what is healthy for you to be doing, knowing what is not. It is a lot of trail and error...it takes a lot of work. Work I believe for me is best done without the added relationship issues. Having said that if I were still married I wouldn't end it just so I can work on me.

With him not getting any kind of treatment...how is he going to work all this out...its tough enough with a good support group...alone I can't imagine how hard it would be.

I'm not going to say leave...but I would have to take a really long look at the reality of this and decide on your boundaries...for example ending a relationship by text and not having any further discussion...would this be acceptable behavior in the future? Would he agree not to do it again? Would he be able to approach you about concerns about being in a relationship? How will he make those kinds of changes in thinking when he is spooked or stressed?

[Glimmerofhope]

Originally Posted by Direction

Here's what I'm doing...I do not have a girlfriend, I am not dating, and I'm looking at women as friends so that I can devote time to my recovery so that in the future I will have a better handle on things and really be ready to be in a relationship again.

With bipolar your really need to work it...with professionals, knowing your symptoms, knowing your triggers, knowing what is healthy for you to be doing, knowing what is not. It is a lot of trail and error...it takes a lot of work. Work I believe for me is best done without the added relationship issues. Having said that if I were still married I wouldn't end it just so I can work on me.

With him not getting any kind of treatment...how is he going to work all this out...its tough enough with a good support group...alone I can't imagine how hard it would be.

I'm not going to say leave...but I would have to take a really long look at the reality of this and decide on your boundaries...for example ending a relationship by text and not having any further discussion...would this be acceptable behavior in the future? Would he agree not to do it again? Would he be able to approach you about concerns about being in a relationship? How will he make those kinds of changes in thinking when he is spooked or stressed?

thank u all ur words have helped they really have - at the end of the day today i am more angry as he knows he has issues and i snot helping himself he knew i was vunerable and still went into the relationship knowing that he was not up to it - i am tempted to write a letter and post it to him give him time to read it - what shall i do x

[Direction]

It might be good to write a letter...not sure I would post or send it to him. Writing may help process this better and get it out you mind. Actual sending may not be that helpful. I would let some time past...work on how this made you feel...set those boundaries...

[Glimmerofhope]

tahnks to everyone , i text him tonite and he has basically said we are never getting back together - did it hurt ? yes will i get over it yes - the more i have read about bi polar proves to me i cannot have a life of being someones punch bag mentally and throwing me to one side , specially when they dont want to get help thanks to all who answered wishing u all the best xx

[dragonfly2]

Just for the record...not all people with bipolar disorder are like your boyfriend. My husband is not my punching bag.