[curley]

I would really like to learn to be a better judge of character. Is it because I do not lie or play games that I am an easy target or those that do? I do not understand how anyone could live with themselves knowing they are lying and cheating someone who cares about them. I am finally cleansing myself of some major pollution. This person deserves an academy award for his performance. Are there signs that are not obvious to watch for. I hate to think I should just stop trusting everyone. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

i just got taken big time, curley.....i thought i was the ultimate judge of character.........not! i'm not sure, anymore, that i do know what to look for.

[JustBen]

I think everyone has a conscience, but some people starve their's to death until it's a weak little voice with no real power. I wish I could tell you what to look for, but I think these people are experts at appearing to be what they're really not. Their only focus in life is getting what they want and they know that pretending to be a good person is an effective way to do that sometimes.

[ozzie]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Their only focus in life is getting what they want and they know that pretending to be a good person is an effective way to do that sometimes.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I agree with what Ben said. When these people aren't pretending, they are up to other tricks of the trade to get their way. IMO they are control freaks. When I finally recognize that someone is a control freak, I walk away because I think they can really hurt you.

[Lexicon78]

I think that people just know how to play other people sometimes...but I'm not any good at it...I'm just too darn honest, polite, truthful, etc. I get played a lot of the time and I hate it!

same here sometime my being too honest, truthful and polite have lead to some pretty sticky situations. I've go the saying "no' down, so my being too polite has calmed down but I have been told just recently that I needed to learn how to lie. I told the person why bother liars always get caught in their lies at some point. Id rather live with the truth. and not have to worry about who I told what to and how and when and why and... bla bla bla besides truth is usually stranger and more interesting anyway. He laughed at me but hey it's who I am.

[seeker1950]

When you describe someone with no conscience or empathy, it brings to mind the Narcissist or sociopath. In my dealings, I am convinced there are SOME people who lack conscience, and they fall into that category of being either N's or S's, or both. I also think that many of us here are targets for such people, unfortunately. How to discern? Well, we do learn from experience, don't we? But, beyond that, it is hard to not be hypervigilant after dealing with these characters. I would like to hear how others feel about it. I"m not clear on it myself.
Seeker Patty

You're not an easy target.
There's nothing wrong with trusting what people tell you until you know they lie and are liars.
It's better then going around not trusting or believing anybody because you're afraid of being lied to.
Seeker is right when she said we learn from experience.
I think the test of time is the best preventive medicine. I've been played mostly when I was rushing into something or trying to rush out of it. I trusted too quickly because I would recieve something in turn that I wanted. "Look before you leap" comes to mind. At least with me. I'm not saying that you or anyone else does this.
I'm sorry you feel taken, Curley. Just remember, there are a lot of people out there who deserve and want to earn your trust for all the right reasons.

[tracylee]

I am always getting caught out be the liars and people with no morals at all, I dont know why. I seem to have IDIOT MAGNET on my head, coz i really do get them, but!! I always seem to let them have a second chance hoping that they have learnt from their first mistake and its only me that ends up being hurt and betrayed and untrusting. Is that my fault or what? grrrr and pffffft.

[Maven]

A study not long ago (sorry, I don't remember the source) showed that, out of the people they surveyed who felt they were good judges of character, 2/3 turned out to be wrong. And I believe it. I've seen a lot of people who say, "No, he wouldn't lie," or "She wouldn't do that," or "He would never molest a child," etc. How many times have you seen on the news, people who are shocked to learn someone they know--a relative, neighbor, friend, etc.--committed a heinous crime? You can't truly know what's in a person's head. Too many people think they'd be able to see the signs of someone who would be dishonest, violent, "sick," etc., but very often, you can't.

[seeker1950]

I agree with Maven...I don't think it's a flaw in me or others here because we have had these unfortunate associations. Surely all people are not that way!
Seeker

[hillbunnyb]

I figure I've gotta watch people's feet rather than their lips.
Feet don't lie. It's the doin' that's the real scoop.

As for us being targets, let me toss my ripped aura (personal energy field) hypothesis out for your examination:

When we're born, we depend on our environment (family) to reveal (establish) our place in the whole. If we are treated as whole worthy precious little beings, we build up an expectation of that that surrounds us, and can be felt by others.
When our preciousness is violated, it puts a tear in our aura, (our sense of self) and our vulerability leaks out.
Predators are very sensitive to this leaking energy and vampire right in, creating a bigger hole. On and on until we find a time and place of safety in which to repair ourselves.

I read an article recently on the difference between liars and bullsh---ers. Liars lie for a reason adn are aware that they're lying, bullslingers on the other hand, just sling to feel in control in the moment, no attachment at all to what they say, will turn around and deny they just said whatever five minutes later. Will do whatever they want to do regardless of what they said they'd do. It's all about them in whatever moment they are. My landlady is classic narcissistic personality and would be amazing to watch in action if I were just watching --I haven't been able to sit down since I got here..... 3 years ago.

Culturally speaking, who is held accountable anymore? Who is a role model for holding themselves accountable for their actions? Lately, seems like the more people you tromp on the more "goodies" you get. Very shallow existance in my book.

As I've worked on bulding up my personal boundaries, my reading of people's intent is also improved. And, the more I have of myself, the less needy and vulnerable I am, so I don't put up with much bullpucky. The vibe gets out there, each time I take care of myself, the safety net around me is strengthened.

I am very grateful for the few, the honest, the brave, who I can call Friend,

[curley]

I am getting such great .feed back from my post. Knowledge I need and will use. Thank you I need all the help I can get. And Hillbunnyb, thank you, i think i really need to work on building my personal boundry wall, i need to make it a little higher and much deeper.