He loves his mom more than me!!!

Sounds like you are grieving the loss of the relationship. It wasn't all bad so that is natural.

In time perhaps you can go out with your friends again. Or do something new. In my city they have a singles group that gets together for dinner or movies or cookouts, stuff like that.

I think I would be much worse right now if I had postponed this. Because then it'd be even more confusing. More good memories to add to the confusion, but more pain as well. I guess I shouldn't try to act like a fortune teller right now. But all I know was that it had to end because it wasn't working.

I want to go out with my friends tonight but I don't want him to show up. I know it's not my domain, but I was the one who introduced him to these weekend events, and I was going to them for years before he showed up. But I can't stop him from going if he likes it as well. Looks like I'm staying inside until I find something else that doesn't involve him. All my activities for the past 2 years involved him. I was really attached to him and I still am. But if being attached to him means putting up with all the heartache I endured for 2 years, then I'd rather just be by myself.

Ah, so sad! Sorry to hear about the eating trouble and whatnot.

For the scheduling stuff, I can identify. I think it's growing pains. I broke up with someone a while back, and when he calls me to get together, it's tempting to say yes. But I try to remember that if I don't let this go, there will never be room in my heart or life for someone better.

I read this thread and learned a lot more about your boyfriend and his mother than I did about you. Have you ever written down the characteristics of the person you want to be a mate too? Do you want children? What do you think having children with this man would be like?

Just some things that I thought might help you sort out your issues from theirs. Right now things are all emeshed and it's hard to figure out who is responsible for what.

But the best place to start is with yourself.

Thanks for all the support, everyone.

I have an update for you all... crazy stuff. It turns out I indeed made the right decision of leaving him. Me, my best friend and my mom were all at our usual weekend event last night when we saw HIM... We awkwardly made eye contact and just tried to smile and wave at each other while staying out of each other's way.

I tried to stay out of his way for a while, but then my mom came over to me and said, "he is such a skank. I just talked to him." I told my mom I wished she hadn't, seeing as I can fight my own battles, but since it was already done, I then asked her what their conversation was like.

She said she walked up to him and told him, "I don't think my daughter wants you to be here. She told you she doesn't want to see you anymore. You're disrespecting her by showing up here when she's trying her best to avoid your presence and get over your relationship. You've disrespected her for 2 years, and you convinced her to give her virginity to you, and after she did, you treated her like a piece of crap and offered her nothing. You don't deserve to be here right now."

(I was a bit embarrassed that she said all that to him, although I don't blame her, and I agree with her that he's treated me terribly for 2 years considering he was older and supposedly more mature than me... and I gave him my virginity, only to be plunged into a relationship full of mindgames and control tactics.)

Anyway, he said to my mom,

"You know your daughter wanted it from me. She put herself in this position. She went after ME. She couldn't wait to sleep with me! And I didn't offer her anything special from the start, and it's her fault for thinking this was anything more than that."

Ouch... first of all, he lied about me pursuing him, because immediately after splitting with his former girlfriend, he was knocking on my door every day asking me to go places with him. He was telling me he wanted me to lose my virginity to him. And I was so in love with him and all his lies that I let him do it! He told me he wanted to let me experience all the wonders I had missed during my abusive childhood. And he was the first to tell me that he loved me and would never forget about me. I feel so used.

And second of all, I can't believe he said all of that, to my MOM!!! Talk about disgusting! He could have said, "I miss her and I love her and I'm sorry for what I did." But no! He blamed the entire relationship on ME! The nerve!!!!!!

After hearing my mom tell me all of that, I was so furious, I decided to go up to him myself. He was standing outside with his friends (a couple, whom he had introduced me to before and I eventually become friends with about a year ago)who had apparently joined him for the night. In my mind I could picture myself going crazy and punching him and throwing a chair at him in front of everyone. But I said to myself, "calm down. do the right thing. Be the better person. Let your manners and your inner kindness to the talking, and he'll eventually get what's coming to him and embarrass himself on his own..."

So I told him the truth. In the nicest way I could, with his friends there, I said to him,

"You disrespected me. I told you I didn't want to see you here, and you came anyway. I feel awkward and I feel used, and I feel disrespected with you here right now."

His friends started backing away once they sensed what was going on. So I took him to the back and talked to him away from everyone. I told him, "do me a favor... don't do what you did to me to anyone else. You need time by yourself. You need to spend as long as it takes to rid yourself of both your financial problems and your mental problems, as well as your mother's mental problems. You coudln't even handle dating me, and I'm only a 20 year old, and you're 31!!! If you continue this kind of behavior you're going to only hurt yourself and postpone getting out of debt with these distractions. I didn't just break up with you for me. I did this for you. You used me as a crutch for 2 years and now it's time to really get down to business and get on with your life. Don't you ever show your face to me or my mom this way again. This is completely selfish of you to do this."

And he said, "you're selfish... that's like the pot calling the kettle black isn't it?"

I was so upset. This guy is nuts!!!, I thought... It's a good thing I left him because he regrets nothing and blames all of his problems on everyone else! What a projectionist!

Then he said, "I'm tired of talking. Let's talk later. Let's go dance right now."

I decided to head back to where my mom and friend were and dance with them and leave him alone. My boyfriend went to dance as well, and this time his friends didn't come with him.

When the night was about to end, I saw one of his friends in the couple say to him awkwardly, "I think we're ready to leave." So my ex boyfriend tells them, "OK," and then looks at me and says, "So, you're calling me tonight, right?" I was surprised by this and just said, "What??? No. I never said that. Why would I want to call you?" And he said, "Didn't you say you wanted to continue talking to me?" And I said, "While you decided to show your face here, yes, of course I felt like I had to say something. Now that you're leaving, no. I don't want to talk to you."

His friends looked dissapointed in him... I could tell they knew he had really disrespected me and my mother. I'm sure on the way home they had a lot of questions to ask my ex.

I'm so glad I'm not with THAT kind of man anymore. He really showed his true colors tonight!

This morning I called up my friends and we went to church together and prayed. We prayed that I could learn to move past this hard time in my life. We prayed that my ex could change into a better person. We talked about me problems and my friends encouraged me to not stay mad at him because in the end he is as confused as anyone else here on Earth, including me, and one day the consequences of his bad behavior will become evident to him, which might give him a chance to turn over a new leaf. I am no longer furious like I was last night. I just feel bad for him. I really hope that one day him and his mom learn from their mistakes and from all of the people they've taken advantage of in their life. Now is the time for me to focus on my problems and how I can be a better person and do everything I can to not hurt anyone the way I've been hurt by my ex (and anyone else who has hurt me in my life.) Now is the time to put anger behind me and try to be the best person I can, even if I feel like others have wronged me.

Thank you all for listening.

With all due respect, he has the right to go wherever he wants in public and to enjoy his friends. He is an immature jerk. No doubt about it. But you and your mother contacted him. If your friends and family care about the situation, they will consider doing some other activities where he won't be. Otherwise, you must ignore him. Treat him like a stranger. I understand how hard that can be when you need closure and to confront him with your feelings. But it must be done. Good luck.

Thanks. I'm not going to let him stop me from going so I guess I'll just have to ignore him. I've been going to these special events as a family thing for years before he came along, and he only came to them with me because I was there with him. Other times I'd be by myself and he'd leave me all alone. I think it's rude that now that we've broke up he just decides to show up all of a sudden. I really think he did that to spite me. I know he has the right to go wherever he wants, but these are small events and there are multiple venues. He knows which ones I go to and which ones I don't go to, so why wouldn't he go to a different location? *sigh* I guess there's nothing I can do. He is disrespectful now, just as he was when I dated him. What else is new...?

As someone who also stayed in a bad relationship for nearly 2 years myself, I understand exactly what you are going through... apart from the crazy mother aspect. Luckily, my ex lived an hour and a half away so it was easier to avoid her. Even so, the breakup was a very difficult experience, to put it mildly. Being with these types of people can make us doubt our own sanity after a while. But the person we want to love so badly just isn't there. They are a mirage. I congratulate you on escaping from this toxic person. It sounds like you have a mature perspective on things and a good support system to help you along.

Yes, it's true, my relationship with him would make me almost obsessively doubt my own sanity all the time. Thankfully you don't live too close to your ex, I am guessing that made running into her a little less likely. (I live a block away from my ex so I see him driving in his car all the time...)

I agree with what you said about him being like a mirage. I couldn't have said it better myself! Thanks again for all the support.