Obsessed

So, I recently realized I display classic OCD behavior in regards to obsessive thinking and unwanted thoughts. OK. Well, I'm realizing that one of my current obsessions is my ex boyfriend. He is a long time friend of mine and even though we broke up like 9 months ago, we still hang out a few times a week. Nothing more than hanging out. He's an alcoholic and although he is still in a lot of denial, he realizes that it has cost him dearly.

I find that I obsess over him quite a bit. Not in the sense that I want him back as a boyfriend, but that I am terrified of him dying. It's not an unreasonable fear at all, he has come close. However, it rules my life at times, this fear.

Not only am I terrified that he will die, I also have convinced myself that it is my job to keep him alive and that if he dies, it will be because I didn't do the right things at the right times. I know now that this is not the case but I am still struggling with this to the point I feel I shouldn't even be friends with him anymore. I know him so well, that the other weekend, I knew he would binge drink at his parents while they were gone. The repetitive obsessive thoughts of what he might be doing at that very moment (which I was certain would lead to him either dying or homeless) in addition to other unrelated but extremely unwanted thoughts I have been recently dealing with caused me quite a panic and I ended up in the ER full of Adivan. OF course, he did not die and he is not homeless.

What a mess. I am too scared to tell him how it affects me because I'm afraid he will kill himself (which he has admitted to thinking of doing) since I am pretty much his closest and one of his last friends. I feel crippled by this fear. I have been to Al-anon and have read alot about the typical dynamics between alcoholics and friends and family. I feel my OCD will not let me let go though. I am in therapy btw, and I know what the doc says makes perfect sense but I find myself in that same place every time he picks up the bottle again. I also am on meds which has helped me in the past to an extent. Any suggestions?

Welcome to PC! I think recognizing these thoughts for what they are is a really good first step.

Hello, PrincessToadstool. Does your therapist know just how serious this obsession is? My suggestion is for you to print a copy of your post for your therapist. Some appropriate boundaries need to be established.

Good luck.

My therapist is aware of this dilemma. I have this pattern with other relationships as well, where I'm too afraid to tell someone how I really feel in case some catastrophic event occurs as a result. He is waiting patiently for me to make my own decisions and mainly helps me by being supportive of the conclusions I reach that are in my best interest. I just realized I've been seeing my therapist longer than any of my relationships have lasted!