[Radium]

When I was younger I was bullied all the time at school. I was bullied really badly and I never had any friends or anyone to talk too. When I finally made a friend I was 14. Now I'm 17 nearly 18. The problem is that I have finally got with the girl I love and adore so much about. But I have a habbit of saying things without meaning them or actually thinking about them. It's so frustrating and I need help. I want to get rid of this problem. She came to me with advice and I told her 'It's between you and him.' I realized what I had said after I said it. And I didn't mean it in the way I had said it, the wat I said it mean it seem as if 'I dont' care.' When thats not the case, what I really meant was 'I'll be honest with you, don't worry about me being biased.' I don't know why I couldn't of just said that, I don't realize until I've actually done it. And I've done it alot of times, I've upset her and dissapointed her. I'm forever hurting her because of my wrecklessness. But I really love her, so much. And it hurts me to know that I'm doing it without actually meaning it. I want to get over this problem, I want to be able to talk to her and not worry about what I'm going to say.. I need help and I've finally had enough and looking for help. She knows about my problem, but it still isn't enough. It's still not an excuse, I don't want to have this anymore. I need her support to help me through, but she's sick of hearing me telling her that I'll get it fixed. But now I'm actually doing it because she means so much to me. She told me to try and fix it and thats what I'm trying to do.
Can you help me or point me to someone who can help me?

are you in highschool? do you have a counselor who could guide you in the right direction? would you be able to approach your parents and tell them that you need to see a therapist? i know this sounds like 20 questions, but i need something to go on. seeing a therapist would be your best bet. i hope you can talk to your parents. xoxoxo pat

[Radium]

I left highschool. I can talk to my mom but she'll only say something like 'sort it out yourself' or something. And seeing a therapist would cost money, I really need to fix this problem, it's letting my girlfriend down and it's letting me down. And it's a problem I need help with.

[seeker1950]

It sounds like you're hypervigilant about anything and everything you say to this girl. You haven't really stated anything you've said which could be so upsetting to anyone. A girl who likes you should accept you as you are. Perhaps you are worrying too much about what you say....obsessing.
Seeker

[Radium]

She loves me, but she's annoyed because I don't think when I speak. And it lets her down. If I took time to think I wouldn't make mistakes when I talk. But I dont' take my time to think, I just say it. She feels that she's missed out on something, when really it's just my problem that I need to fix. It's easier said than done. If I could just think before I say something then I wouldn't have this problem.

why do you believe that you are unable to think before you speak?

[Radium]

Because if I thought about what I said, I know for a fact I wouldn't of said it.

[hillbunnyb]

Hi kiddo. Hey have you considered that since you were bullied and harrassed and messed with while growing up, you might be extra anxious about dealing with people?
Fear of rejection and all that? Plus, your hormones are raging making clear thinking a challenge in the best of times??

I find, the more anxious I am, the more likely I am to say the exact opposite of what I mean!!! Very upsetting. A lot of times I only manage to get half a thought out...... which gives the wrong impression.

Is there a youth crisis line in your area? Not that you are in crisis, but they usually know of free counselling services and could refer you. Breath from your diaphram, and cut yerself some slack, ok?

[JustBen]

I think hillbunnyb is on to something there. If you were really bullied, then you're probably extra-anxious about protecting yourself...even after the bullies are gone. Calling the crisis line to get a referral for some counseling is a good idea; you might also want to try calling your local government mental health department. They can probably help you find some low-cost/no-cost help.