[bertieb]

My boyfriend of 14 months wants to get married, as do I. We are both in our late 40's and divorced with a teenager each at home. Anyway, he got me all fired up and excited about 3 weeks ago by memorizing my ring size, tearing out a room to create a closet for me, telling me I needed to design the bathroom remodel, looking at pools for the backyard and talking about where to get married. He said it was too late for me to be a June bride and asked what month I wanted to get married. I said not January because he got divorced on his birthday and we laughed about that and never went back to "when". As you can guess, the last week or so he hasn't said a thing. He's told one son but not the one at home or another who lives out of town. Said he needed a couple of weeks to do that. He's still working on the closet but nothing else has been mentioned. I want to talk about this stuff! Will I be married this year or next? Was he just thinking out loud and then reality set in? Or am I being totally insecure?

I read guys want the space to do things on their own time and will balk if they feel pressured. I would like to know if he's still as anxious as he sounded at first or if he's slowing things down. Am I jumping the gun thinking all this just because we haven't talked about an actual wedding in a couple of weeks? None of my friends are in happy relationships so I don't want to discuss with them but it's all I think about and I need to get back to a life instead of freaking out!

[Harnbrand]

I think you're overthinking things. I don't read any worrisome danger signs, but I can tell you that as a male, we always have a massive initial surge of enthusiasm for something in the beginning, and talk about it a lot at first. Then it gets put on the 'to-do' list, and we tend to focus on more pressing matters. Even something as big as a marriage is definitely something he'd want his space for. I suggest leaving the subject for a while, then doing a bit of your own planning, telling him you want to run it by him to get his input, etc. etc. Keep the subject alive, but don't bring it up consistently.

I can say with considerable certainty that I doubt you've got anything at all to be worried about. If the marriage doesn't happen this year, it'll be even better next year. You can still look forward to it, and in the meantime, he's not going anywhere.

[kitten16]

Hi Marie, I agree with some of the things Harnbrand said - but if I were in your position, I would be furious to have marriage dangled in front of me, and suddenly - nada. You're at a stage in life where you don't want your time wasted. We don't have inifinite chances to start over. You guys know each other pretty well? Does he know that marriage is meaningful to you, that it's important, that you feel you have a right to expect some sense of what your future with him is going to hold?

Of course I'm just an internet stranger - but his behavior sounds insensitive at best, passive-aggressive at worst. It's possible he's freaked out and genuinely confused, or maybe having second thoughts. But if that's the case, HE NEEDS TO TELL YOU. If you guys are best friends, you've got to be able to talk about something as fundamental as whether or not you're you're going to get married! I would not suggest wishin', waitin' and hopin'. It's a fallacy that men don't commit, that this reluctance around relationships is somehow normal behavior. Something like ninety-five percent of Americans are married at some stage of their lives.

You've got a life to lead. Light a fire under your man and get the info you need to make a decision. Good luck!