[Ktz42]

Hi there
Heres my story, please help me identify who is crazier, my current spouse or my ex and his g/f or maybe its just me . This will be a long post, but I really need some help..please help me!
A little background first ..my ex and I have been divorced for 5years, my b/f and I own a house and are coming upon our fourth year together, I have 2boys 13 & 9 whom I have an amazing relationship with, and could not ask for more..my s/o has three kids ages 12, 10 & 7, that we see every other weekend when we are a family of 7, which I love. My ex and his g/f have two kids, so alot of kids and alot of drama. My current drama is as follows...my 13yr old came home two weeks ago after his visit, and tells me again about all the degrading remarks his dad and g/f make about me, as I am currently in process of filling a court order to get past support and back support from the last few mths..my ex grilled my son for info about me, what i do with the support, does he see it anyhow, along with a slew of info that my son was overwhelmed with.. My son is 13, has NVLD , IBS and has an incredibly amount of stress dealing with his inability to deal with his dad and his dads g/f usually resulting in many more IBS attacks and missed school thru out the year. He is often in a position whereas his dad controls his every move, school..all which I will be addressing in upcoming court date. When his dad is in my company ( such as recent confirmation at church In May) his dad has not only stopped my son from approaching me in the church hall, he also held his arm, growled at him not to move, and then when I approached them was verbally abusive to me in front of my son and acted in a threatening manner. Last visit, the dad and g/f took all the kids ages 13 10 9 and 7 to the drive in, where they all watched Hangover part 2....an R rated movie, with drugs, nudity etc etc....during the movie my 13year old son advised me he told his dad that this movie was inappropriate especially for the other three kids and didnt feel they should be watching it, even though the dad made the kids cover their eyes with the nude scenes. They pulled my son aside, said hey its only boobs, and if you tell your mother she will just take you away from us...etc etc..my son came home with all this bottled up info and cried to me as he told me about how much these visits stress him out, how inappropriate he feels his dads behavior is, then begs me to not disclose what I know cause hes afraid his dad will be mad at him and not want to see him...When his dad is not being a poor role model, my son loves his dad,, and craves his time and affection...he begs me to keep his confidence, and I dont now how to protect him or what to do....so Im so STUCK..my heart bleeds for my children, but if I disclose all their dads dirty little secrets, I will loose my sons faith in knowing he can talk and vent to me, and he will instead then trust no one. Two nights ago, my beautiful boy graduated from gr 8, his dad was invited as this is what my son requested, even though his dads behavior was embarrassing at his confirmation, his dad arrived early getting great seats close to the class my son was in, I arrived late as I waited for my s/o and had to grab a seat in the back..during the end of the ceremony, the school gave the class a rose-stating to give this to the person who has most influenced your life in a positive way...all the kids gave their roses to theor moms, and when I couldnt see my son, my s/o said stand up., maybe he cat see you..Then I spotted him..my heart broke..he was standing two or three feet in front of his dad and s/o and has sucha look of seapair on his face that I jsut waved to him, and said hun Im over here....My child looked at me, and as he did at his confirmation after I motioned to him. he now again shook his head noooooo and mouthed the words..I dont know what to do..My heart was breeaking..I knew exactly why he was frozen...the seconds that followed left me with the worst memory of all as my son leaned foward and gave his dad the rose, who quickly handed it to his g/f of the past year.. I was crushed..my heart broken...and not because I didn't get the rose, but because I knew my poor son was so afraid to not give it to his dad because of how his dad might respond to him if he did. The ceremony was then over, and my son came rushing out, his eyes filled with tears saying over & over...its just a flower mom..dont worry...its just a flower..but it was too late...we were all a mess with emotions and both my son and I suffered with the knowing of why he did such a thing. On the way home, I was very upset and lost myself in my own pain, cried my ***** off in the car..felt I lost control of my emotions, my s/o left to go with this sister who also attended the grad and my two crying sons and I came home, I fel horrible at losing it, but I just cant take it anymnore..i dont know what to do!! My eldest explained to me ..Dad said to give you the rose mom, but I thought it was just a mixed message, I didnt beleive him and I thought he would just get nad if I didnt give it to him..I didnt want Brenda ( the g/f) to have it...I was very stressed out about the whole thing. I didnt want to hurt anyone..At this time, I see my s/o come in and go upstairs, I though for a sec I seen flowers, but quickly forgot about it..the doorbell rings, and its my ex, he has a gift for my son, and asks if he could see him. I told my son to go, I would be fine, however he came back with the rose.....saying Oh Brenda and Dad said I should give it to you, and you should always come first ( meanwhile Im referred to a the ***** and IT on the weekend visits) but now..they confuse my son even further,,I am reluctant, but take the rose to make my son happy.. I actually cried all night, and most of yeaterday as my hands feel so tied to help my kids, I know my ex is doing his best to alienate me as much as he can..my s/o takes the day off to comfort me, as I feel helpless, hopeless, depressed more then Ive ever felt, and my loving s/o pats my back all day telling me how sad the whole thing is...oh but wait dont forget the last piece of this crazy mess..late evening..I finally have a flash of my s/o with the flowers the night b4..and I say..Hey babe...didnt I see you with flowers yesterday?? Yes yes you did...Oh ok, well where are they?? Oh i gave them to your son...Well what did that child do with them..I wonder if they are in his room..Oh No..No I gave him the flowers, and since the rose was returned to you, everyone deserves flowers, so I told him to give them to Brenda.... That is when my jaw dropped...call me crazy..but WHAT IS THAT??? He tells me he seen it as an olive branch, that it seemed like a good idea at the time...defending his actions, and also if Brenda was so nice to RETURN the ROSE, then maybe..EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A ROSE...Man I lost it... I feel betrayed even more now..yet he did admit he bought me the flowers, but he thought it would make my son feel better to give them to her( cause he really thought my son wanted to give that rose to my exs g/f, and now he had to take it back, of coarse he just assumed this ) ..I asked my son last night.,.,so i hear you were given more flowers to give Brenda last night..Son- yeah I was, I didnt get it though, she didnt say anything either...I dont know what your XXX ( my s/o) was thinking..I woulda really rather I gave them to you..OMGGGGG
Last note on this crazy story...I fully beleive my s/o has undiagnosed AS...and if this could be why his thinking is all messed up..then at least I can have that...but right now I feel more betrayed then ever..I would rather just show him the door, but im currently unemployed and oing to go back to college in Sept..Im soooo messed up..I dont even have a tear left to shed..

[Ktz42]

I know I had alot of typos everyone..sorry....its a long post and maybe even confusing.,,,I know Im confused

[Gilead]

I don't think you should feel betrayed. Your current husband sounds like a good man that was trying in a small way to diffuse a stressful situation for all of you. His thought may have been that by giving her the flowers that the pressure put on the children and subsequently you during their visits would somehow be reduced.

Many of us have situations similar to yours, it is never easy to see how our children are so negatively affected. I know I try to put aside everything and only consider them whenever I deal with their mother.

I'm sorry that this may not help.....but again I don't think it was a betrayal at all.

[Ktz42]

Originally Posted by Gilead

I don't think you should feel betrayed. Your current husband sounds like a good man that was trying in a small way to diffuse a stressful situation for all of you. His thought may have been that by giving her the flowers that the pressure put on the children and subsequently you during their visits would somehow be reduced.

Many of us have situations similar to yours, it is never easy to see how our children are so negatively affected. I know I try to put aside everything and only consider them whenever I deal with their mother.

I'm sorry that this may not help.....but again I don't think it was a betrayal at all.

Well I may have thought that initially as well somewhere deep inside, that he was trying to help our situation, but soon I found out it was only about himself, and how he perceived things.. His disclosure of how he really felt has come to light. We are in trouble now and betrayal was one of my first feelings, now I have anger, rage despair and don't know where we are gonna go from here, right now I hate him..I know these are strong emotions, however I feel so angry..I hate this feeling. The problem possibly may be that we all believe he has undiagnosed AS, and he regularly sees only from his view, and instead of seeing the truth of the situation, which according to my son was a feeling of no choice and being controlled by his father, my s/o instead felt that because I cried and did not hide my emotions( even though I tried) when my son came rushing out crying after the grad ..well he feels I ruined my kids grad and if my kid wanted to give my exs g/f a rose then it was his decision and I had no right to make him feel bad about it...which wasn't the case...My s/o did not ask anyone how they felt, he made an assumption on what he felt from his point of view as a dad that stuggles with his ex, concluded I did wrong , and acted on his own perspective. He advised he felt my son should have never accepted the rose back when my ex's g/f gave it back to him to give me...and also felt since my son gave her the flower initially, then it was her right to have a flower..and my guilting my son should not have changed the fact that he decided to give he the flower in the first place...UGH.,.that is WHY my s//o decided to give my son the flowers and tell him to give to her..he didn't even ask my kid how he felt about anything, nor did he ask in the second place when forcing him to again give her flowers one more time!! Instead now my son was forced once by his father, and then secondly by his almost step father to give flowers to a this woman when he only ever wanted to give them to me..my son and I are close...and that is how he tells me the story, I believe him. So when telling my s/o how I felt , and how I now feel betrayed, he just said, well Im entitled to my own opinion, and Im not asking you for yours, so thats just the way it is..I become livid..as he refuses to see that how he behaved was not a reflection of anyones feelings but his own, and then stomped off to his sisters for the remainder of the day...comes back today, I see him ask him f we can resolve it, and he again shuts his mouth closed and says well lets just get past this and go for a drive...which is always what he wants to do,.,pretend , avoid and dismiss...I get angry again, he takes off again...Im tired of it really..and now im so angry Im beside myself with where do I go from here...