[Harnbrand]

I thought I might post a little about something - someone - special. And wonder if others have been through something similar.

But first, a little background.

I'm 21 years old and male, and find myself frequently feeling lonely, but completely lacking interest in the majority of women I know. With relatively little effort, I could get almost anyone interested in me, but it would be unlikely that I'd really feel the same about that person. As tempting as it feels sometimes, I'm not about to use someone in that way.

My parents grew up in India. Their marriage was arranged, and they knew each other for no more than fifteen days before they were married. Today, they behave more like close friends or room-mates than a loving couple. I find it impossible to picture them conceiving me and my brother - there's no spark. I've never seen them treat each other as more than friends, and my own knowledge of how loving relationships work has thus been limited.

I spent the first thirteen years of my life in the Middle-East, and so did not have the opportunity for normal social interaction with the opposite sex until I moved to Canada in 2003.

My first kiss, my first relationship - only real romantic relationship so far, that never got as far as sex - was at age 17, with a white girl almost exactly a month younger than me.

It lasted two months. I was inexperienced, clueless, and unprepared for the strength of the drive of my hormones. She was naturally submissive, and so I was dominant, and the relationship was intensely physical, with little other substance in it. We spent as much time as we could together, and though we never actually had sex, we did a lot of what I'd describe as 'fooling around'. She seemed to enjoy it as much as I did, and I always told her that I wanted her to tell me if anything we did strayed out of her comfort zone. She never did. She called often to ask when we could next meet. Later, she broke up with me in an e-mail, telling me that she wasn't entirely happy with the way things were going, and that she'd realized she didn't really 'love [me] in that way.' I spoke to her parents later, and they told me she had aspergers, something I'd never heard of prior to that moment in time. Now that I know more about it, so many questions haunt me. Did she really enjoy the things we did? Or was she simply incapable of saying 'no'? The self-loathing that fills me as I reflect on that relationship is difficult to describe. We never spoke again, and both of us have since moved on. I never allowed myself get so emotionally close to someone again.

A high level of intelligence is as much a curse as it is a boon. The mind never stops working, and sleep is difficult without complete mental or physical exhaustion. I often lie awake for hours at night, unable to stop thinking, reflecting, mentally dissecting events. Everything I see I analyze consciously or subconsciously. I can't encounter an advertisement on TV or the radio without immediately seeing the exact psychological play the people who designed it are making. Some of them seem childish to me and I wonder at the fact that people can't see right through them. Psychological tricks and reverse psychology, even when they're attempted for my own benefit, seldom work on me because I'm seldom fooled by them. I find myself growing increasingly jaded, and disillusioned with social interaction because I can project any image of myself I desire, and win over anyone I please. I find myself understanding the motivations and weaknesses of people I converse with quickly, and until recently, had never encountered another person who utterly defeated me in that regard.

In 2009 (Age 19), through an online chatroom, I met someone extraordinary, someone I'll call 'Jane'. By this time, I was wise enough to know better than to develop an emotional attachment to someone I'd met on the internet - Or so I thought.

Jane is seven years older than me, and has an IQ that would make Einstein look mentally disabled. She excells at math, especially physics and trigonometry, while my interest and ability has always been chiefly in language and the humanities. Of these she seems to have at least as good an understanding of as I do, and probably much better. She's everything I wish I could be - Fit, sexually experienced (And sexually adventurous), and not at all lacking in the wisdom gained through life experience. For the first time in my life, here was a woman who was beyond my match - there was always more to her, and everytime I thought I fully understood her, she surprised me. She could also practically read my mind - and by early 2011, I could practically read hers.
We discussed in amazing depth everything from ethical philosophy to global politics, conflict, and the future of the economy. She opened my eyes and my mind to many, many things I'd never considered, and filled me with a thirst for knowledge about life, the universe, and everything. It goes without saying that I never imagined anyone like her existed, and I'm convinced I'll never meet anyone like her again. I've never respected or admired another human being as much as I respect and admire Jane.

We hit it off instantly, and there was an intense attraction between us from the very beginning - something that both of us, by unspoken mutual consent, acknowledged but ignored. We settled into a friendship with just a little sexual tension, a lot of flirting. The reason we went no further than that was because she lives an eight-hour drive south of my location, in the United States - I live in Canada. Travel between us was out of the question due to other circumstances in life.

She had made a mistake recently, one of those mistakes that everyone is prone to make - The heart seldom listens to the warnings of the mind, however powerful that mind is. She'd fallen in love with someone, moved to the United States with him (from Canada) and he'd promptly left her for another woman, essentially stranding her, since she'd burned bridges when she left Vancouver.

I knew my peril when I became her friend, but ignored it deliberately. Eventually, as I grew to understand her, I inevitably fell for her, though I've never revealed the extent of my feelings. When I blurted out one day that I was romantically interested in her, she laughed and told me she'd known about it for a long time. I told her I understood that neither of us could handle a relationship at the moment, and that I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship - We were happy with that arrangement, though secretly I had hopes for the future.

Two weeks ago, she moved in with another guy. It was something I'd known was inevitable - catches like Jane don't stay available for long. It still hurt like hell. I told her I'd be busy for the next little while and we wouldn't get much opportunity to chat, but I think she saw right through it. Whatever. I berated myself for being a childish fool and have done my best to hunt down and eliminate any traces of 'what ifs' and 'maybes' that my mind stubbornly clings to with regards to any romantic future with her.

But what remains is not something I can easily shake - I've never felt a connection with anyone, a connection both emotional and intellectual, like the connection I felt with Jane. I can look for the remainder of my life, but how likely is it that I'll meet another woman like her? Will I ever feel complete in any loving relationship, or will it hurt me more to keep trying to find someone I can hold in regard as high as I held Jane?

Maybe I'm just broken. Being a virgin at age 21, carrying the regrets I do, and still without any positive relationship experience, I don't know if I'll ever find a companion now.

[Perna]

It does not sound like you have a lot of experience with love and romantic relationships. It is something one has to learn and deal with; most people have a couple of loving relationships before they find their mate. The stories of one's "first" love and how one always remembers them are legendary. I remember my first love (don't "love" him anymore, now that I have had my husband for 25-30 years :-) and how miserable I was when he broke off with me.

We can't find a "right" mate unless we "search" through several people who might be right or what would we have to compare to? When doing prosaic shopping, you still don't just pick the first item you see, you sort through the fruits and vegetables, looking for the items that meet your approval. When looking at houses to buy, you look at many until you find one that meets most of your criteria. Sometimes there are a couple that you like and you have to choose between them. Meeting and getting together with people, friends and lovers both, is like that too. There will be other women for you to get to know!

I did not start "dating" until my late 20's and did not marry until I was 39. My husband and I are good friends but lovers also; I don't know that you can judge your parents relationship with one another just from what they show you/you observe Are you in their bedroom at night? Are you with them always? That they are friends is good. Whether or not they are demonstrative with one another, especially in "public" is basied on personal preference. I don't think arranged marriages do particularly worse than those based on "love" or sex or any other criteria.

[Hazel Glitter]

I am no expert but I can share my experience.

My first love was unshakeable. I loved him more than life. He was in the military and then got stationed in VA. We had got into some strange argument (when I look back I believe he had cheated on me) and broke up. I knew family in VA so I moved there. Every day I thought about him and missed him and looked for him riding down the road. No man could ever live up to him. A few years later I had to find him and see what he was doing (possibly rekindle our relationship). I found him and met with him. Apparently, my views had changed and I had matured in the years since I seen him last because I realized he was not the person I had thought he was. It was like I didn't even know him. I was able to see clearly all of his faults.

In short, I say you should limit contact with her and find other things and hobbies to get your mind off of her for a while. You will be able to love again, you just have to allow your mind to overcome the feelings. In hindsight you will see that everything happens for a reason. Good luck!

You state:

[ I've never felt a connection with anyone, a connection both emotional and intellectual, like the connection I felt with Jane. I can look for the remainder of my life, but how likely is it that I'll meet another woman like her? Will I ever feel complete in any loving relationship, or will it hurt me more to keep trying to find someone I can hold in regard as high as I held Jane?]

Examine what you are stating.If at your age you are on this level...and "like attracts like"...and if there is true substance to your depth of ability to offer love...it'll come.Have faith.Don't look for it.

Life is brilliant in its choice of seemingly random timing.Work at accomplishing things you love...whatever it may be.Try to discover what it is you really want;alone.Without a peace inside....alone,nothing will satiate this mix of pervasive emotion/logic you wrestle with,even if you were companioned.

Be practical. You can't rush the process of life and its timing.Life is a series of lessons....and all in preparation;building ...one block atop another, for what the future entails.

Hold your head high.Work on your happiness as it would be if you had no thoughts of being with someone else.Then you will see that you need no one to complete you.At that point,others are a bonus of life

May you find serenity,WO.olf

P.S, You aren't broken,you are over thinking.My bane....and most intense life complication.