[silent_reverie]

I don't know if this was ever discussed before, and I don't know if there's just something wrong with me or if other people here can relate to this or not.

I'm almost 23 and I've never dated anyone before. I think that's probably considered strange to normal society (not that I am normal). I've had a few crushes here and there in the past. I confessed to one guy once in high school, but that didn't work out. I dunno if I'm envious of people who are in relationships; I'm usually just puzzled. I think I'm usually fine with being single, but I'm just afraid that if my lack of interest keeps up, I'll be alone forever... But when I really think about it, being a relationship doesn't seem natural to me. And actively seeking one seems even more unnatural to me(they don't screen for sex offenders on internet dating sites).

I'm not expecting anyone to love me, really. (Sorry I have low self esteem) I think I'm at that point where I just want someone reliable to support me and I'll be a good wife or whatever. Don't know if that's a messed up way of thinking... Maybe I'd be better off as a nun or something, heh

[Leed]

Hi ~ I don't think you're "abnormal." I think your low self-esteem has alot to do with the way you feel.

Do you feel "worthy" of a relationship? Why is it that you don't "expect someone to love you?" Have you had your self-esteem attacked? How is your relationship with your parents? Have you seen alot of relationships fail?

Sorry for all the questions, but just wanted to get you to thinking. LOL Of COURSE you are worthy of being loved!! But since your self-esteem is so low, you may feel that for some reason, you're not "good enough" and that's pure bunk!

It would be very beneficial for you to get some therapy -- a good counselor can help you feel better about yourself, and I'm sure that your outlook would change. Therapy certainly helped me -- my self-esteem was lower than a snakes' belly! My ex had brow-beaten me to the point that I felt I would be better off dead.

I hope you can get some therapy. If you can't afford it, check with your county's Mental Health agency -- sometimes they offer counseling based on the ability to pay -- sometimes it's even free!

I wish you the very best. Take care of yourself, and remember -- YOU MATTER -- you're a good person, who deserves to be taken care of. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Evening]

I am also 23, never had a relationship or even a date, and find it very difficult to have feelings for anyone, and I have low self esteem, and I don't expect anyone to care for or about me, and I find the thought of me being in a relationship or having feelings for someone repulsive. Even thinking of the most repulsive person I know being in a relationship doesn't make my skin crawl as much as thinking of myself doing those things.
Unlike you though deep down inside I do secretly wish I could be with someone, but I have accepted that I won't be.

I know some of the reasons I feel the way I do though, perhaps they might be similar. I grew up in a family of abusive relationships, all I've seen is the negative, because it's been programmed so much into my head that I really pick up on the flaws of relationships. Then there is the fact my mother was VERY open about sex, talking about it in detail, watching sex shows on TV (real sex not simulated), leaving the door open when she had sex, talking about the people she had or wanted to sleep with. So now sex revolts me because I just think about her all the time when I think of sex.
So I grew up with a fear of intimacy and sex. Now, I'm so used to feeling that way, and I've so many times avoided having feelings for someone, talking myself out of anything I may have felt for anyone, being defensive and protective of myself, that it has really altered my thought process. I don't even know which feelings are FEELINGS, or envy.
Have you over the years done the same thing? Talked yourself out of any feelings, or convinced yourself nobody likes you, or have you experienced any negative relationships that have affected your view on relationships?

[Perna]

I think most of the problem is lack of "practice". If you have not been on a date, not been one-on-one with many people you can't have any clue as to what it's like or how to do it or what the big deal is. Think about when you were a child and had no clue about money or how much things cost (food/housing) and just sort of thought those things "happened" automatically? Relationships with other people are not any different. You have to be with other people, date a bit, see first-hand what it is about before you can know how you feel about it? You can't judge something and whether you'd like it or not for yourself if you haven't experienced it.

That's why I try all types of food at least once, to see if I'll like it; rejecting "broccoli" just because one's parent did/does is not that great a strategy unless you understand/acknowledge that is what's going on. That's how we can get into personal trouble as adults; only having other people's experiences that we witnessed in our parents or other adults to go on and not realizing that's why we are making certain choices in our own lives, rather from our own, actual, experiences.

[silent_reverie]

Thanks for everyone's replies

My self-esteem has always been low. I guess I usually don't feel really good about myself physically. I'm overweight and never seem to be able to lose any of it. And then I find out the guys are into cute, thin girls, so no chance for me there =\ I would like to try therapy, but I always seem to find an excuse to put it off (no money, time, etc).

I guess I see a lot of the downsides in relationships (friends always complaining about their boyfriends, breaking up, my parents arguing and stuff). Nothing too traumatizing, but then I see my cousins and some friends all happily married with kids or have girlfriends/boyfriends and I feel left out maybe? I should probably just boost my self esteem first before thinking about this stuff

[JillMagso]

It's definitely not abnormal to not have been in a relationship by the time you're 23. You'd be surprised by how many people are in a similar boat.

I agree with Lee though, don't worry about what you look like, it's all about self esteem. I once had a friend say that "confidence is the sexiest shirt someone can wear."

Also, you might want to look into theories on the Law of Attraction. I don't know how much you believe in energy, but the idea of it is that what you put out into the universe is what you get in return. If you put out self-confidence, positive thinking, and truly love yourself, you might be surprised at one turns up.

Seriously though, stop focusing on the guys and first figure out how to truly love yourself.
-Jill

[Evening]

I think part of a relationship is the feeling that someone truly cares for you, and when you see people who are in great relationships, and you see that you can't seem to get into a relationship, you can feel unwanted, unaccepted and not good enough. You start to pick at your perceived flaws even more trying to work out 'what is it about me that is so unappealing?' and then get even more down on yourself. I am like that, and sometimes I REALLY wonder how certain people can get in a relationship and I can't. That makes me feel even worse.
In regards to your weight, and guys not liking you because of that, I have a question- would you really want to be with someone who is only going to like you because you are thin? Or would you rather be with a guy who likes you because he likes YOU?
I had a male friend who told me I'd be more attractive if I 'put the effort in', and 'toned up a bit'. More attractive to WHO? I'd be more attractive to HIM. And him being one of the most superficial people I've ever met, why would I want to lose weight and make myself more appealing to HIS idealisations of what attractive is? If you want to lose weight do it for you, not someone else.

[dreamweaver79]

dont worry about relationships now. You should focus on your own needs and find yourself. compaionship will happen when its time. your young, enjoy it! dance to the beat of your own drummer. when you find some one your interested in, you'll know.