10 Steps to Handling Unfair Criticism

~i found i can benefit from this article. often when criticized i go on the defensive. there are some healthier ways/skills to hear the other person's viewpoint. now if i apply these steps...~

When it comes to criticism, it is surely mored blessed to give than to receive. No one enjoys being on the receiving end of a critical comment and it's harder still when the criticism isn't fair.
When the other person's criticisms feel flatly irrational, or just plain wearing, we listen defensively. We automatically listen for the inaccuracies, exaggerations and distortions, so that we can refute errors, make our case, and remind the other party of their wrongdoings.
You can decide to listen differently...
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...fair-criticism

Good advice in general.

This part jumped out at me:

5. Don't counter-criticize. There is a time to bring up your own grievances, but that time is not when your partner has taken the initiative to voice her complaints.

I wish someone had told my ex-husband that! Any time I was bothered by something he said or did, and I told him, the conversation didn't last two minutes before I would end up either defending or (usually) apologizing for everything *I* ever said or did. Of course, I know now that this was a deliberate tactic on his part, so I would come away from it thinking I was the defective one in the relationship, and he was wonderful, and shouldn't I be thankful he puts up with me?

On the other hand, I have a lot more trouble dealing with criticism when it is "fair" rather than "unfair." The same ex-husband used to tell me often that he was not in fact criticizing me, because he defined "criticism" as an undeserved negative evaluation, whereas according to him I deserved his negative evaluations of me. In other words, supposedly it isn't criticism if it's the truth, so here is all the evidence I can hit you with to convince you that you really are dirt.

The result is, if someone is criticizing me unfairly, I can easily pin it on that person and see it as their issue, but if they are right, then I have a tendency to beat myself up for it.

My guy used to say "You can't take criticism. He was right. Nobody does, but I used to think I was above reproach in everything I did. Glad I'm not that dumb anymore. Part of the problem between us was that he did not know how to criticize. He always spoke in sweeping absolutes. He'ld make dismal predictions. "I know you're not going to be successful at your new job." (That was the worst. Sooo demoralizing.) The finale to his lectures was always, "I'm just giving you constructive criticism."

It is worth it to be the one who engages properly, even if one is the target of abusive criticism. Over time, he seems to be following what I role model. That is very gratifying. I may print the article and hang it on the fridge.

Interesting. So yours called the act of verbally ripping you to shreds "constructive" criticism, while mine felt that it wasn't criticism at all. *shakes head*

"Attack the problem, not the person" seems to be the best advice I can think of.