[mgran]

I've posted this in the aspie section as well, but I'm posting it here too, since it's so important for me to figure this stuff out.

Basically, my ex left when my son was five. We stayed in touch, he's been seeing his son regularly for the last ten years. He remarried five or six years ago... then he dumped her. At the most awful time he could have done... just as her mother was dying. He's since been enamored of a woman... my son has just got to terms with that.

Today, out of the blue, my ex phones me up and tells me it's not just him and her... it's him, and her, and him... it's a polyamourous triad. My son's meant to be seeing his Dad next week, and this was the week he was meant to see the new girlfriend. My ex tells me, "don't worry... Mxxx won't be in the bed with Jxxx."

First of all, he's been going out with this woman for a year now... maybe even longer. He's been in this polyamorous relationship for a long time. Why didn't he say something sooner? I would have helped smooth the way... my son was sexually assaulted at a previous school, I've only just got him used to the idea of homosexuality not being big boys grabbing little boys and dry humping them.

Now I've got to explain to him that his father didn't just treat me badly, didn't just treat his ex wife badly... he also chucked in everything to go live with a woman and her boyfriend.

I'm worried that these people are taking advantage of my ex, by the way, because he's getting a reduncy payout... that they're going to live on his money for a year until it runs out.

But that's a different problem... in the meantime, how do I get my son to a place where he can understand his father's choices? Within a week?

ARGH!

[dragonfly2]

This does sound like a lot for your son to take in, having just gotten used to the idea of his dad having a new girlfriend. The polyamorous lifestyle isn't easy for even some adults to understand. Now, if you could clarify - is he actually having sex with this other man, or is he only in the relationship with the woman, but her boyfriend is also there? I have a friend who is Poly and she kept her husband and her boyfriend very separate. At one point, her husband's girlfriend was living with them, but I don't think she and my friend were a couple. It gets confusing at times. Will this be an overnight visit? Or can he just go meet his dad for lunch and meet the new girlfriend there and avoid the whole who-is-sleeping-with-whom scenario? Your son is also getting to an age where he can decide whether or not he wants to see his dad. If he doesn't have to be there overnight, I think a daytime, meet the girlfriend in a neutral place sort of visit might be best this time.

As far as what to tell your son - it all depends on the extent of the relationship between the two men. If the two men aren't in a relationship of their own, then you could just tell him that his dad's girlfriend has another boyfriend and that they are all living together. If the two men do have a relationship of their own, that will be a tricky one, given your son's trauma history. I wish I had words of wisdom for that scenario, but I'm afraid I don't.

And yes, I would be concerned about the financial arrangements as well. Are you getting any child support from him?

[shezbut]

((mgran))

I can understand how challenging that must feel to you emotionally. I sure wouldn't want my girls to see dramatic relationship changes either.

Will your son be staying at his father's house for more than a few days? Perhaps you could ask your ex if the other man could wait until your son leaves to return? That would allow the son to visit and still have some sense of normalcy ~ and give you and your ex more time to consider how the different relationship should/could be presented to the son.

I don't believe that sexual differences need to be hidden from your son, he'll be learning a lot of differences soon enough. The difference and acceptance depend upon how it's presented to him. Hopefully, you and your ex can come to the same page on what should be said about it. Supporting each other, and avoiding attacks, is certainly in the best interest of your son.

A tricky road to be on, I am sure. But, hopefully, you and your ex are able to come to an agreement on how exactly the relationship will be explained to your son. Best wishes to you and your son!