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#1
Aug 06, 2011, 08:19 AM
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I'm a woman with a woman...we've been together for a couple of years and there are no two people who could be more opposite. She's cut and dry...high management...and I'm a "look at all sides" type...lowly cashier...We're good on many levels except when I take stuff she says "the wrong way" and I get hurt and she spins it so she sticks with a few words, leaves out the tone of voice and the surrounding circumstances. I love her and want to make this work but not willing to tolerate some of her crap which she won't (or honestly I think she can't own.)
So after some incident last week we weren't talking...we talked last night and I don't know how to make myself understood in the presence of such a powerful personality. More on this...Maybe if I talk this out in the forum I can get some insight. Not like the whole "She said then I said." I don't know...I'm just trying to get started with this...I saw this forum and thought to myself maybe I can get some help here. |
 Korin
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#2
Aug 06, 2011, 09:33 AM
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Hey, Set Me Free, thank you for sharing your struggles. I identify with them a little bit, my husband is not "high management" but does have difficulty seeing other people's point of view whereas I see "both" sides in our discussions.
I think, were I you, I would start with how you view yourself? What's with the "lowly" cashier? I think part of why you may take stuff she says "the wrong way" is because you do not think well enough of yourself. For me, I use the phrase, "your mother wears combat boots" and think about all aspects of that; the phrase doesn't bother me at all but how would I feel if my mother did wear combat boots? How would I feel if someone I cared about said that to me versus someone on the street I didn't know? Words are about the person uttering them. Who or why a person would say, "Your mother wears combat boots" is much more important than whether or not the person being spoken to's mother wears combat boots? If the person being spoken to does/does not care about what is being said, that determines how they "take" what is being said but that does not make what is being said right or true, it still remains the sayer's thoughts and words only. If you do not feel you are being understood, tell your partner that. It is not your job to get yourself understood or not, that is her job, to work to understand (if she wants). If you state your truth, she must accept it. "I do not want you to call me names anymore." Another person may go on and on about how they don't call me names but that is not the issue! I'm not asking their opinion on whether or not they call me names, I'm telling them about me, that I do not like it and won't tolerate it. That is what setting a boundary is; telling the other person where you "are" and then setting a consequence for what will happen if they cross it. The next time they call me a name, I immediately remind them again I do not want them to call me names and I add, "I would like an apology from you now for having called me a name". You have to build a relationship based on yourself and who you are and what you want. No one can argue with you about that because only you are you! A "powerful personality" can try to over-set you, talk over you, argue with you but can't win because they are not you, only you are you and you are the expert; you have all the trump cards! So, figure out what you want in each instance and only discuss that. Stay "centered" with you and what you desire, in very specific language, and if you continue to get boundary crossing or not enough of what you want, then you have to start deciding what you are going to "do" about that. One thing else you might want to look at; I believe other people cannot hurt us, we do that to ourselves with the caring about "your mother wears combat boots". When we hurt, that shows an area within us that needs our care. No one else can get in there and help us, someone saying to me, "you have such nice hair" when I'm thinking about the fact I weight 260 pounds and am feeling bad about myself, doesn't cut it? When I take what I term a "direct" hit, "You are a fat slob", I accept what I can (I am, in fact, morbidly obese) and discount what I can (what is a "slob" and how does that have anything at all to do with obesity?). I also "consider the source". Why would someone who loves/cares about me say that? I also remember what I started with here in this reply to you; what another says, tells more about them than me. I remember who I am and what I am doing (I am working as hard as I wish to right now on losing the weight) and my whole perspective changes.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
| Korin
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#3
Aug 06, 2011, 11:38 AM
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Is it important to you to be in a relationship where your partner is more powerful than you? You made it part of your post, which is why I ask. I don't see cashiers as lowly. It's a tough job handling people and $$ matters all day. If you want an unequal relationship then some of what you are posting is what goes with that territory. If, however, you love this person (whoever the person is) and this person loves you; love is the great equalizer; your opinion should matter fully as much as hers.
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| AvidReader
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#4
Aug 06, 2011, 12:05 PM
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Not much to add but the struggle to get across what we feel and how we feel can be difficult. I've always found small simple gifts and notes or cards help especially when things have become strained.
So many beautiful cards out there now that say it so much better than we can sometimes. 
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#5
Aug 06, 2011, 01:27 PM
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Not really. It just worked out that way. I brought it up because of her managerial style in relationship...either way it seems like everyone is more powerful than me. I don't trust myself or my perceptions sometimes and I have to learn to do that. It's actually something to think about though now that you mention it...
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#6
Aug 06, 2011, 05:27 PM
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Hello, Set Me Free. Perhaps these articles might be of benefit:
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiet...ruth-part-one/ http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiet...-truth-part-2/ http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/0...ur-battles.htm http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ss-in-4-steps/ http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ood-listening/ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ng-personally/ http://www.helpguide.org/mental/impr...ationships.htm http://www.helpguide.org/mental/eq8_...resolution.htm http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-who-can-do-it You might try journaling < http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the...of-journaling/ > as a means to record what your partner does that bothers you and how the botheration might productively be addressed. I know this is likely way more than you wanted. Albeit, I hope the articles are of some benefit. |
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#8
Aug 07, 2011, 08:19 PM
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setmefree
perhaps you could try the standard "I" statements to express how you feel to your partner. I feel ......(insert feeling word) when ......(insert what you are upset about) because.....(insert why it makes you feel this way) what i would like is ....(describe what it is you would like to see happen) example: I feel angry when you dont take responsibility for your own actions because it seems the blame is being placed on me what i would like is for you to own up to your own mistakes. |
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