[Salmacis]

I'm feeling really bad about it & don't ever want to hurt him, but I've been wanting to do it for a long time. It's just tough because I allowed him (and his cat) to move into my house over a year ago.

We were good friends for a couple years before we started dating & he moved in about a month after that. Unfortunately, he became more of a roomate w/benefits that didn't offer to help pay any of the bills... my resentment grew & whatever spark there was has dwindled. I still care about my (now ex) b/f deeply, but I can't say I was ever really "in love" with him.

Someone recently reminded me of what it feels like to be in love with someone who's in love with me... An old friend from high school... and I'd like to meet up w/him again (it's been 20 years). Not looking to rush into a new relationship... just checking him out.

Anyway, anyone been through this & have any advice? Since he's living in my house, I'm sure there are details we're going to have to go over... and he'll need time to find another place to live, etc.

Hello, Salmacis. Set the boundaries and make sure he understands it is imperative he abide by them.

[salukigirl]

I did this a while back but it was a completely different situation. We had moved in together after about 7-8 months of dating. I then transferred schools to a different state and he came with me. We lived together there for about 2 years and I had had enough. I loved him and vise versa but we just weren't right for each other. After months and months of arguing he agreed that we just weren't good together so it was mutual. I got a job in upstate New York and we agreed that he would continue to live in our house and be out when I got back. He took what was his, left what was mine and when I got back from the job I packed my stuff and left the house too (we were renting). We ended up living together for about 1.5 months while broken up.

It was actually not a terrible break up and I don't think there are any bad feelings on either side - although I obviously can't speak for his perspective. If you guys have open communication and a good friendship it should be possible to work through this in a mature manner. However, I have learned that you never really know a person's true colors until you break up with them. I thought my ex (a different one) was a good guy and we just weren't right for each other until I broke up with him and was called some of the dirtiest names I've ever heard in my life. Hopefully yours will end better than that.

[beauflow]

Salmacis I hope you well and remember to be strong with the little time you have to deal with this (i would imagine) awkward situation... Best of luck!

[Salmacis]

Thanks so much for the responses! It went fairly smooth, but has been increasingly awkward. He says he's looking for an apartment & will be leaving as soon as possible. It's been kind of rough... as I do care for him a lot & I know he's hurt. But, I need to do what's best for me so I can make some changes in my life.

[Sunna]

Your story rings huge alarm bells for me. I hope I am wrong, and your boyfriend is just clueless. But in reality, someone who moves into a lover's or friend's place and shows no intent of sharing the rent is not an honest person. You have a good heart and perhaps it never really occured to you that you were being taken advantage of, you just experienced it as "losing the spark".

I had a problem with a woman, but men do it as well. I let her in for a few weeks because she was going to be homeless otherwise. She stayed 6 months, and even after she got a job, she never paid a penny. She acted like my best friend when she was with me, but was telling other people rather bizzare lies of how I was oppressing her and taking advantage of her. After I gave her a notice to move out, she started "looking for a room" and kept coming back with stories of unbelievably horrible places and people she was running into. Then it got worse, but I don't want to scare you.

I hope he moves out soon and without an incident. Keep things calm and polite and make sure he is really looking for a place. I'll keep my fingers crossed. If you have some friends or family members may be a good idea for them to pay you a visit.

I am very sorry you are feeling heartbroken, that's the part that goes with having a good heart. Take that as a ray of hope for the future. You are a loving person and that will attract to you someone who will love you, not just those who would want to take advantage.

[Salmacis]

Thanks for the kind words, Sunna! Very sorry to hear you've had a similar experience w/sharing your space with another person. :-(

This has actually happened to me a few times before (with a b/f, cousin, & friend). They cry & moan about having no where else to go (or for the 2 b/fs, that they ONLY want to be with me). They always say they're going to help out "when they get a job" "get sorted out" "make more money" etc. Ugh. I have a terrible feeling that I've been a patsy again!

Btw, I do feel a lot better about myself now... I've been a nasty angry person for too long... almost human now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I won't lie, though, it's scary to think of living alone again.

Will take the good advice of having friends over this weekend & keep things polite w/the outgoing b/f. Thanks so much for your well wishes!

I have an appointment w/my T after work... hoping she can help me get sorted.