[emerald_city_girl]

History:
Me: 26 years old, never been married, often in long term relationships
Him: 30 years old, been engaged once before, often in short relationships
Us: Together three and a half years, engaged over 1 and a half years; we have lived together for probably at least 2 years and we recently moved into a cute new house and he began talking about how he wants us to start a family and I was agreeable

Situation:
My fiance told me a little over a month ago (2 weeks after we moved - signing a years lease) that he has "feelings" for his coworker. It started out as "feelings" and is now described as a work crush. He told me this when he was drunk, I think because of an incriminating text message I saw him send her. "Let's disappear" was the exact text I saw (he had sent it while they were at a work outing) and I demanded an explanation. That is when I asked if he liked her, he said "I need to preface this with I've never cheated on you, but yes I have feelings for her." When he told me it was my automatic assumption that he was leaving me for her, I didn't stick around to find out more, in my mind it was over. I left that night in tears to stay at our friends place, I had thrown his phone in my purse. Later that night I decided to text her, "do you want to be with me?" I wrote. She text back, "Yes, but I want to do it the right way" as if 1) this was not the first time this had been discussed and 2) that she wanted him to break up with me (and her to break up with her bf). I know it wasn't right of me to text her, but I had hoped that if he cheated she would've indicated something like how they were already together.

When my fiance and I spoke a day or so later, he told me that he did not want to be with her. Even though he knew about her returning the feelings. I also asked why it had seemed like they had already talked about this, and he told me that once at work some guy was flirting with her and that he acted jealous and she asked him what was up and he told her that he had a crush on her. Also that she had asked him what the deal was with them, and that he had told her that he wanted to be with me.

Since that has happened a little over a month ago, we have been living together still. He tells me everyday that he loves me, tells me that I am the love of his life and how he wants us to grow old together. I don't feel like the love of his life; I won't pretend I am a saint, I have had work crushes in the past, I think it is apart of life, but I also NEVER pursue them, never tell them, never talk to them outside of work, I know that it is typically superficial feelings... I really don't know what to do. I do love him, but I don't know if I know how to get past this or if I should even try.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'd be a bit upset too, but it's PROBABLY just like you mentioned -- a superficial "crush" that won't go anywhere. The good thing is that it doesn't look like he's acted on it. It's all been talk.

I think the two of you should take some time before you start a family. It sounds like you need to communicate a bit better and be SURE that this relationship is what you both want. It would be a tragedy to have children only to have the relationship break up later.

Maybe some couples counseling would help -- it surely can't hurt. If you're both committed to this relationship, counseling will enhance it and help you both to learn to trust & communicate better.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Silent_tsol]

I agree, having a crush or attraction to someone else is normal, it's something that happens when we are in relationships or not. Human nature, can't be controlled. But I am concerned that he told her about it. I feel like that is enough of "acting on it" to question his boundaries. To me, telling someone you are interested while in a relationship is similar to asking if that door is open. And she replied it is. If her answer is or becomes a simple yes, where does your fiance draw that line? I think couples counselling would help you talk through this and build good boundaries

[emerald_city_girl]

That (telling her) is what concerns me as well. I have had crushes before, and they never moved beyond the "hehe, he is cute" phase. At this point, or at least when this happened, I believe he was aware that she was ready to leave her boyfriend for him and he chose to stay with me. I told him several times, when I found out, to go be with her. So far he has decided to stay with me, I just don't feel fully convinced that I want to stay with him. I'm having a very hard time moving past this. Mostly because I am extremely concerned about his boundaries, they knew each other liked each other but even though they never acted on it, I feel betrayed.

[shezbut]

Hello Emerald_City_Girl

to PC.

I do agree with both leed and tsol. I, personally, really struggle with the reality that human beings aren't perfect. And that means that people are physically attracted to others, whether or not they are in committed relationships.

This point is where things get sticky. Where reality and emotion/s hit one another. Some people are very realistic and accepting. Others (like me) are very emotional and are rigid. Neither side is healthy or accurate. The aim is to be somewhere in the middle ~ and talk openly with your fiance and see where he honestly stands on this scale. Because it's helpful when you are both coming from right around the same spot on this issue.

Btw, lots of other issues pop up in marriage. Huge: children ~ how many you want, how to deal with challenges that often overwhelm parents, what comes #1 after children are born? And #2, 3, etc.? Marriages often don't prepare for the different perspectives in raising children. It's certainly best to be sure that you two are in sincere agreement with these types of issues.

I obviously can understand your feelings of hurt and mistrust. I would have been out of there permanently! Talking with your fiance about these topics now, before the relationship becomes much more complicated could really help you both understand one another better. Hopefully it will help you re-build a sense of trust and faith that you can make it together. I wish you the best!