[SpearOfTheLance]

I work with a very pretentious group of people/company. They think they are all so special and if you are into regular things, they think something is weird with you. They are artsy types that talk about plays, arts, the theater, and fashion. Nothing wrong with that, I respect that, I understand we are all different. I am more of a 'regular guy' who'll talk say football with the guys. But nobody at my current job is like that.

I've tried very hard to try to fit in, but it's just not me. I have tolerated it, but it's getting to a point where I am just fed up and VERY LONELY at work. Example, I eat lunch alone, why? I invite people to eat with me, or go to a restaurant with me, even saying I will pay, but they like to go to some fancy joint and my trip to a sushi place or burger joint isn't their cup of tea. Heck, even a deli.

Just so sick and tired of it. I've been at this place 8 years and it's pathetic to say but I've felt like that all those years. Why not move? Well the economy sucks, I have a wife and 2 children to support, I'm good at my job, and I have to work at this place to bring home the bacon. So I need the job - we've all been there I'm sure.

Again, Just so sick and tired. I've talked to my wife thru the years about it and she's supported me but anyone would get tired of the same old record. I try to self-analyze myself on why I feel the need to be accepted, but I think it's just human nature. I've tried and tried and tried and at this point and I've gotten to the point in the last month that I've separated myself away in a different part of the building and done my work solely. Only interacting via phone and Instant message and meetings.

Does anyone here have any tips ? Ive always thought it was me, but could it be them?

[siljie]

I struggle with a very similar thing, but at school. I am quite different from you, so our situations are kind of flip flopped. In my high school, all the girls seems to only about sports, dating and relationships, tanning, having babies, and shopping. And for the guys - sports, sex, drugs/alcohol, fighting, and money. Stereotypical, but true. Then there's the awkward, odd-ball me. The environmentalist vegetarian who's really into creativity, art, and music and the only sport she can even relatively play is tennis, which unfortunately is considered a "hobby" rather than "sport" where I'm from.

Basically, the only advice I know of, and that I can give you is don't change. Don't try to change to meet their needs, and don't go bitter because you don't fit in. Being different is good. It's what makes you YOU, and unique from everyone else but in a special way. If you try to keep being friendly and positive, people will eventually recognize you for that rather than if you let it get too you too much and you grow bitter and stale to those around you.

So keep your chin up, and be yourself. If they can't accept you for who you are, they aren't worth being friends with any way.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I worked at a place like that, with people like that --- I never fit in, and we had nothing in common. I stayed at that company for about 15 years!!!

The very FEW times I went to lunch with anyone, it was the most uncomfortable thing I'd ever done. Conversation was forced, and usually we just ate in peace. Finally, I just spent lunch hours in my car, listening to music. LOL I was much more comfortable, and it helped to clear my head since I worked in a fast-paced, technical type job. I just did my job, and when quitting time came, I tried to leave the stress THERE -- and go home.

Yes it got lonely at times, but when I listened to the others talking at work, I was amazed at how shallow and self-serving they were. I was glad I didn't fit in -- I'd hate to be thought of like that. I'm just a "normal" (???) down-to-earth gal who would feel uncomfortable at the opera anyway! LOL God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[DePressMe]

Yes I think it's just human nature to want to fit in with those around us. siljie makes a good point about not going bitter because you don't fit in...you need to stay true to yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

[wing]

I handled the situation just as you are, isolating myself as much as possible and focussing on the task at hand. There's no point trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. You're fortunate you have a job where it is possible to lay low.

I say celebrate who you are outside of work. They are the ones missing out on getting to know a great guy and his perspective on life.

[SpearOfTheLance]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ I worked at a place like that, with people like that --- I never fit in, and we had nothing in common. I stayed at that company for about 15 years!!!

The very FEW times I went to lunch with anyone, it was the most uncomfortable thing I'd ever done. Conversation was forced, and usually we just ate in peace. Finally, I just spent lunch hours in my car, listening to music. LOL I was much more comfortable, and it helped to clear my head since I worked in a fast-paced, technical type job. I just did my job, and when quitting time came, I tried to leave the stress THERE -- and go home.

Yes it got lonely at times, but when I listened to the others talking at work, I was amazed at how shallow and self-serving they were. I was glad I didn't fit in -- I'd hate to be thought of like that. I'm just a "normal" (???) down-to-earth gal who would feel uncomfortable at the opera anyway! LOL God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

OMG! This describes EXACTLY what I'm going thru! Thank you for sharing your experience, it really makes me feel a little better that I'm not alone in the situation I am in.

I know the exact uncomfortable feeling about the forced lunch conversation. I too am down to earth but most of these people are not, it's just that they have a need to show others how much a big deal they are, shallow and self serving describe them perfectly! They are just SO FULL of themselves.

I think my co-workers are just unhappy people. I don't mind others having different interests like arts, I know a lot of people into arts that are very nice people, just these people are so 'nose up in the sky' mainly because their job is all they've got going in their lives. Almost all of them don't have a significant other or any type of life outside of work, so I guess they have to pride themselves on their positions and work lives.

An example that just occurred today - our company is by a big park that we can see thru our windows. Unfortunately, a lot of homeless people inhabit the park. So one of these people tells the other 'look at these bums, they should just get a job', and the other one laughs how pathetic these people in the park are. It got my blood boiling, and I nicely said well you have to understand a lot of these people have mental illness or handicap or addiction that won't allow them to function and 'get a job' like other people. Sure there are some who probably just don't want to work and for them it comes down to individual choice, but the majority of the people are in need of help. They stared back at me without saying nothing, like I was speaking a different language. Not one ounce of compassion at all!

Thank you all for the advice, I greatly appreciate it!

[SpearOfTheLance]

Originally Posted by DePressMe

Yes I think it's just human nature to want to fit in with those around us. siljie makes a good point about not going bitter because you don't fit in...you need to stay true to yourself. I wish you the best of luck.

When you think of it, these days, working 50 or more hours, we spend time more with work people than our families. So I guess I feel lonely the majority of the day/week than I don't.

You're all right, I will stay true to myself, but maybe it's just the human side of me that wants to be accepted. I am not a jerk to anyone, usually a nice guy, but I've come to know in the corporate world, nice guys do finish last because if you're nice, you're conceived as weak to the co-workers I am describing. It's like my world view is 180 degrees opposite to theirs.

[SpearOfTheLance]

Originally Posted by wingin'it

I handled the situation just as you are, isolating myself as much as possible and focussing on the task at hand. There's no point trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. You're fortunate you have a job where it is possible to lay low.

I say celebrate who you are outside of work. They are the ones missing out on getting to know a great guy and his perspective on life.

That's another thing, I think deep inside me, I sort of want to prove to these people that there's another part of life, other people in this world, that exist that don't live their world. I guess it's like I want to be Mother Theresa and show these people the 'good side'. but I know they won't listen or have any interest.

yes, I do hang out with 'normal' people outside of work and my family. but like I posted in another reply, we spend more time w/ work people than families/friends these days so the majority of time I feel lonely and it's getting to me.

[StrongerMan]

The unfortunate fact is that it is human nature to think people who are different from you are weird. Some people embrace diversity while others shun it. Most are somewhere in the middle.

Have you ever gone to lunch where they go? Maybe they are thinking... "why doesn't this guy like us? He always eats alone." Just go with them to their "fancy joint" once and see how it goes. It is possible that once you reach out to them you will discover they aren't so different... well, maybe at least one of them isn't. But someone needs to be the first to climb the wall. You may find that one of your coworkers fits in by hiding the fact that he also likes "regular" things and was just waiting for another person to relate to. Or they might just turn you on to their artsy interests in some way you never saw before.

If we define people based on what we *think* they are, that prophecy will often be fulfilled. You think they do not like you so you isolate yourself. They, in turn, react negatively to your isolation and ignore you. You see this reaction as proof that your original prediction was correct after all.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by SpearOfTheLance

I work with a very pretentious group of people/company. They think they are all so special and if you are into regular things, they think something is weird with you. They are artsy types that talk about plays, arts, the theater, and fashion. Nothing wrong with that, I respect that, I understand we are all different. I am more of a 'regular guy' who'll talk say football with the guys. But nobody at my current job is like that.

I've tried very hard to try to fit in, but it's just not me. I have tolerated it, but it's getting to a point where I am just fed up and VERY LONELY at work. Example, I eat lunch alone, why? I invite people to eat with me, or go to a restaurant with me, even saying I will pay, but they like to go to some fancy joint and my trip to a sushi place or burger joint isn't their cup of tea. Heck, even a deli.

Just so sick and tired of it. I've been at this place 8 years and it's pathetic to say but I've felt like that all those years. Why not move? Well the economy sucks, I have a wife and 2 children to support, I'm good at my job, and I have to work at this place to bring home the bacon. So I need the job - we've all been there I'm sure.

Again, Just so sick and tired. I've talked to my wife thru the years about it and she's supported me but anyone would get tired of the same old record. I try to self-analyze myself on why I feel the need to be accepted, but I think it's just human nature. I've tried and tried and tried and at this point and I've gotten to the point in the last month that I've separated myself away in a different part of the building and done my work solely. Only interacting via phone and Instant message and meetings.

Does anyone here have any tips ? Ive always thought it was me, but could it be them?

Hi Spearofthelance,

I know just what you mean. I was only at my last job for 3 months but this was already a problem for me. I liked the idea of the company which was "socially responsible" but I just couldn't relate to anyone there. They finally let me go in a really flaky way... But had I stayed on I just don't know what I would have talked about with this group of people.

Maybe hang in there until you can find something else. You sound like you have regular, common interests that a lot of others have too. I'm sure something will come up.

As an aside - I know the feeling of lonliness has come up for me due to my childhood issues - my parents both drank a lot. Was that (or any kind of emotional neglect) ever an issue for you?

[SpearOfTheLance]

Originally Posted by StrongerMan

The unfortunate fact is that it is human nature to think people who are different from you are weird. Some people embrace diversity while others shun it. Most are somewhere in the middle.

Have you ever gone to lunch where they go? Maybe they are thinking... "why doesn't this guy like us? He always eats alone." Just go with them to their "fancy joint" once and see how it goes. It is possible that once you reach out to them you will discover they aren't so different... well, maybe at least one of them isn't. But someone needs to be the first to climb the wall. You may find that one of your coworkers fits in by hiding the fact that he also likes "regular" things and was just waiting for another person to relate to. Or they might just turn you on to their artsy interests in some way you never saw before.

If we define people based on what we *think* they are, that prophecy will often be fulfilled. You think they do not like you so you isolate yourself. They, in turn, react negatively to your isolation and ignore you. You see this reaction as proof that your original prediction was correct after all.

Stronger - yes I've tried everything. I haven't given up, I still go out and try to do their things, even though I know we don't have the same interests. I think after reading everyones advice I'm going to say these people are just my type.

[SpearOfTheLance]

Originally Posted by Elana05

Hi Spearofthelance,

I know just what you mean. I was only at my last job for 3 months but this was already a problem for me. I liked the idea of the company which was "socially responsible" but I just couldn't relate to anyone there. They finally let me go in a really flaky way... But had I stayed on I just don't know what I would have talked about with this group of people.

Maybe hang in there until you can find something else. You sound like you have regular, common interests that a lot of others have too. I'm sure something will come up.

As an aside - I know the feeling of lonliness has come up for me due to my childhood issues - my parents both drank a lot. Was that (or any kind of emotional neglect) ever an issue for you?

Elena- no I haven't really had much loneliness issues in my life, I'd say probably the same as anyone else. I just feel like this at work.

I've been thinking and I think I sort of know why this need suddenly came up. Today, most people in the workforce, are overworked, and always worried about layoffs with the way the economy is. I am in that boat too just like thousands of others. I think the need to talk about this with someone AT WORK and having really nobody to talk to other than say my wife is what is getting to me.

The people I work with , well their jobs are pretty safe. They've rubbed the right elbows and slept w/ the right people (I know I shouldn't say that) to pretty much secure their jobs. Me, well, I don't really have the 'kiss up' personality so job security wise, it's 50/50. So I think just needing to talk to someone about 'hey am I going to lose my job by month's end' at work would relieve some stress. Or maybe in some way, I want to be as secure in my job situation as they are in theirs but obviously I won't go thru the things they do to secure their jobs.

[uncomfortablynumb]

Originally Posted by SpearOfTheLance

I work with a very pretentious group of people/company. They think they are all so special and if you are into regular things, they think something is weird with you. They are artsy types that talk about plays, arts, the theater, and fashion. Nothing wrong with that, I respect that, I understand we are all different. I am more of a 'regular guy' who'll talk say football with the guys. But nobody at my current job is like that.

I've tried very hard to try to fit in, but it's just not me. I have tolerated it, but it's getting to a point where I am just fed up and VERY LONELY at work. Example, I eat lunch alone, why? I invite people to eat with me, or go to a restaurant with me, even saying I will pay, but they like to go to some fancy joint and my trip to a sushi place or burger joint isn't their cup of tea. Heck, even a deli.

Just so sick and tired of it. I've been at this place 8 years and it's pathetic to say but I've felt like that all those years. Why not move? Well the economy sucks, I have a wife and 2 children to support, I'm good at my job, and I have to work at this place to bring home the bacon. So I need the job - we've all been there I'm sure.

Again, Just so sick and tired. I've talked to my wife thru the years about it and she's supported me but anyone would get tired of the same old record. I try to self-analyze myself on why I feel the need to be accepted, but I think it's just human nature. I've tried and tried and tried and at this point and I've gotten to the point in the last month that I've separated myself away in a different part of the building and done my work solely. Only interacting via phone and Instant message and meetings.

Does anyone here have any tips ? Ive always thought it was me, but could it be them?

It's very typical of any work environment. I have experienced that, but I'm in sales, so if I wanted to impress people, I would outsell them. That honestly got me in to the point where I was comfortable in my own skin, and I didn't really care about anybody else. Once people sensed THAT, well, they all wanted to be my friend. I never tried to fit in, I have always been aloof, and if I was invited somewhere, and I actually went, I got special attention. Don't know if that helps.