I Have A Problem

When I was out with Mandy this morning we bumped into one of her ex boyfriends and he said some mean things to her and they got in a big fight. I was going to intervene but Mandy just snapped before I could and she started beating him up. I couldn’t hold her back from him and she just kept hitting him and kicking him until he was on the ground and he had a bleeding nose. I eventually got her to stop and she just cried and I hugged her for a while before we fled from the scene.

It was lucky there were no police around or she might have been charged. I am worried about her and I don’t know what I can do to help her. This is not the first time I’ve seen Mandy have a violent outburst and I’ll admit they do scare me at times but it doesn’t change the way I feel about her. The first time was the day I lost my old job. A few of the blokes I had worked with were asking a number of personal questions about Mandy and if I had sex with her. At the time I hadn’t and I told her I hadn’t and one of them said “if that hot ***** was mine” they would be “****ing her every night.” I felt like smashing the cup he had on the bench over his head but I kept my cool.

A few of the blokes saw Mandy because she would come to my work at lunch to spend time with me and drove me to and from work some days. I got in an argument with the same bloke a few days later and I humiliated him to the point where he threw some things on ground and walked away while everybody was laughing at him. He later came up to me when I was having lunch with Mandy wanting to have a fight and he pushed me on the ground. Before I could get up Mandy got in his face and called him some names and she beat him up. I' had only seen a girl do that on TV and I had no idea she was that strong. I ended up getting the sack and wanting to protect Mandy I said it was me.

Mandy said I was too good for the place anyway and I could easily find a better job with my talents. She also said what she did was wrong but she couldn't stand seeing me get hurt. Not that I couldn't deal with him myself but I was really surprised. Mandy is usually really king and caring. She’s small and she doesn’t look like she would hurt a fly but she is very strong. This never really bothered me though until today. I can’t say that I’m a saint because I did some horrible things to people when I was younger too but when I did I was drunk or using cocaine.

I talked to Mandy about the guy and she said he was very abusive to her when they went out. He’d punch her and often leave marks on her body and she was scared of him. After she got away from him she did some self defence classes and one of her brother’s friends (a boxer) taught her how to do some things too. Mandy also told me she had been in two other abusive relationships and while my cousin never hit her he walked over her and treated her like dirt. She then said I was the first boyfriend who was really sweet to her and she loved me.

I love her and I definitely still want to marry her but I want to help her with this because she has already done so much to help me. Do you guys have any suggestions on how I should handle this situation? It's strange because Mandy is one of the kindest women I have met. She’s caring, funny and down to earth and that’s what made me fall in love with her but then there is just this other side of her which I saw today that has so much anger and I think she needs to see someone about it.

sorry to hear you are going through all this, I am not a guy, but can see clearly she needs help to curb her anger. she is probably feeling insecure at the moment, having been through abusive relationships in the past makes women 'snap' much faster than they probably should, it is a defence mechanism. saying that it can be reversed, it takes time, stability, a caring man and therapy to get over this. she needs to realise you are the protector in the relationship, that you will protect her. also that there are other ways of dealing with abusive people than using violance. words are often more harmful than fists (not as satisfying but hurt longer) also there are other actions she could use e.g. apply for restraining orders, avoid the abuser, turn and walk away etc, all are better than fists. she has probably only known violance as a way to deal with abusive situations, so lead by example, by seing you handle situstions in a non violant way will encourage her to also. abusers will get bored if you do not react to their abuse, thats because abusers thrive on reaction, by ignoring their abuse ok they will try harder at first, but eventually give in and move on to someone who does give them the reaction they crave.
try having a chat with her, explain that you love her and want to be with her as a married couple, explain that in marriage there are certain things that a man feels are his responsibility, those being blaa blaa blaa and protecting the family including his wife. from there you can go on to explain how seing her decking a man makes you feel inadequate as you see it as your role to deal with those situations, you could then go on to give her suggestions of things she could do e.g walk away and phone you rather than deck the guy or phone the cops. Always end on a reasurance that you love her and will do anything to protect her.
give it a go, it can't hurt, and may be just what she needs to hear. she may not be aware of how it makes you feel or of the options available to her in how to deal with abusers.
You seem to be a one in a million kind of guy, most would run away from this situation, it shows how much you care for this girl that you want to stick around warts and all.
good luck
take care x

I'm with yellowted, she needs to learn to deal with things without getting abusive/physical back, not easy as that's what she has known in the past. I think I'd get you all in a whole different group scene so you're not around as many people that push either of your buttons?

Thanks for the advice. I love Mandy and I am going to stand by her no matter what. She has already helped me through so much already and if this is my chance to pay her back I am going to do just that. Anybody who would run away from a situation like this obviously doesn’t care enough about the person and shouldn’t be with them in the first place. We all have our scares and demons and nobody is perfect nor should we expect them to be. Rachel had some abusive boyfriends in the past which was one of the things that she told me lead to her becoming a lesbian but she never had the rage Mandy has from it so I think it must have been worse.

I have talked to Mandy about this now and she regrets what she did and I have talked her into seeing my psychiatrist about it this week so we will both be going together. I am no saint myself (as I previously mentioned) and I did things when I was younger similar and in some cases worse than what she did but I got through them and I matured through experience. I am not going to give up on Mandy though because I know she wouldn’t give up on me if this was the other way around. Jessica used to always say the problem with the world was nobody helped each other anymore and she was right. I discovered that when she passed away and the ones who do are becoming rare.

Warts and all, nothing is going to change the way I see Mandy. She is an incredible woman and I am going to do everything in power to help her. If she needs a shoulder to cry on or somebody to rely on I will be there but I think that it is probably best I avoid the whole speech on 'how it is a man’s job to protect his family and take care of her' as I already said something similar to her in the past and she thought I was being sexist. She told me a woman doesn’t need a man to defend her and she could defend herself. In her case I think she is right as she is stronger than me and other blokes.

I’m only eighty kilos but I would have to be around twenty more kilos than her. It’s strangely a turn on for her that she is stronger than me and sometimes when we are playing around on the bed we wrestle a bit and she pins me down and she enjoys doing it. I can protect her though. I got a mark on the top of my nose now from standing up to a bloke who was beating up his wife and his daughter and he punched me in the face while I was wearing sunglasses but I don’t regret it because it was the right thing to do. Mandy knows how much I care about her and that I would do anything for her.

I’m pretty sure Mandy wasn’t expecting to run into the guy when we were out and she told me it was the first time she has seen him in five years. She saw him and it started out verbal and then he said something to her that I won’t repeat on this forum and that’s when Mandy lost it and starting calling him all the different names under the sun while she was beating him up. As for the whole different group scene Perna, Mandy and I don’t usually have these problems and we like the people we hang around with now.

Hello, Blades. If you and Mandy intend to pursue a relationship, have you thought of learning a martial art or boxing?

Thanks for the suggestion. lol I actually did karate lessons with Jessica when I was younger but we dropped out because the instructor wanted us to spar with each other. I couldn’t hit Jessica and she couldn’t hit me so we just stood there and did nothing. I’m not worried about Mandy kicking my *** as she has already told me she would never hurt me unless I hit her and I don’t hit women.

Hi Blades

I think you've just got a glimpse of the "real" Mandy. I'd be very careful and watch my back if I were you.

I have a mixed opinion of all this and I'll explain. I don't believe in violence, except in self defense. There's also times where a person is so unbearably rude that you secretly wish you could just punch then in the nose. A person can try to make sense to one of those idiotic people but it just doesn't penetrate their thick brain and that's when a swift punch does the trick. I'm all for defending oneself when there's no other option.

My daughters now a black belt and she could literally do severe damage but she uses self control. She has occasions when she had to twist the occasional arm and once flipped anther boy - she warns them first and if they touch her first she uses the karate to basically get them off her, then they realize the mistake and run off. She won't continue with force unless they continue.

It sounds like Mandy has a rage problem, most likely from her abused relationship. Sometimes the victim can become an abuser - they get so sick of being the victim and the rage builds up...they swear they'll never be at a disadvantage again. I think she should get into therapy to control this anger. She should only use violence as a last resort and only to defend herself. If she doesn't get control of this, she could get hurt one day or they might take revenge at a later date when she's not ready.

Another thing which concerns me is, what if one day your relationship goes sour and she turns on you? What if you end up having kids and she gets so mad she ends up abusing your kids. This anger and rage has to be controlled.

The only thing she should be asking when she goes to see your pdoc or T is a referral for another pdoc/T to be her own. You should definitely not be seeing the same one because that could cause problems for you, her, and the professional in question.

I also agree 100% with everything Lynn and Flooded said.