[Lana Kent]

Things have been very rocky between my boyfriend and I for more than six months now, and I would appreciate any advice from people who have been in similar situations that have either worked out or not worked out.

We have been in a relationship off and on for three years. A year of that was long-distance. Now we're semi-long distance -- live two hours apart and can easily see each other on the weekends, but not during the week.

We were broken up for a few months last year, and I began dating someone else. That had been going on for less than a month when my ex turned up, said that he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. I am the first to admit that I handled the situation the worst possible way. I told my ex that I was seeing someone else and wasn't sure whether I wanted to rekindle our relationship. But I also told him that I loved him and could see myself one day marrying him (both true). I didn't intend to let things get physical, but I did, and we slept together. Then I told him I still didn't know if I wanted to get back together but that, anyway, I would break up with the other guy because I clearly wasn't ready to be in a relationship with someone else. Then, instead, I slept with the other guy one more time.

After that, I did break off the new relationship and rekindle the relationship with my ex (now my boyfriend). Things were going really well for a few months. I felt increasingly sure about the relationship and our future. I didn't tell him about the last time with the other guy, partly because I was ashamed and just wanted to forget about it, partly because I figured that it wasn't clear whether we were going to get back together when it happened, so it wasn't cheating and he didn't need to know.

Finally, several months in, I told him about it. I expected that he would be upset about it, but I didn't expect him to react as strongly as he did. He felt absolutely betrayed and disgusted and initially was going to break up with me because of it. I apologized and begged him not to leave, and we ended up reconciling , but since then, "roller coaster" doesn't begin to describe the relationship. When we're together in person, for the most part, we're loving and affectionate and enjoy each other's company. But when we're apart especially, and sometimes in person, he'll become accusing, angry, or will express self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. On a couple of occasions, he has been verbally abusive. He has never physically abused me or directly threatened me, but he has said that he has had thoughts about hurting me. On other occasions, he'll withdraw himself, partly, I know, because he wants to avoid lashing out at me. I appreciate that, but it also hurts. Sometimes he says that he doesn't think he can get over it and that he wants to end the relationship, or that he thinks I'll be happier with someone else and should leave him -- but that never lasts long.

He had depressive tendencies long before this happened, but it has definitely gotten worse. I have urged him to go to counseling, and he says he will but hasn't followed through.

As far my part in this, I do feel horrible about what I did. It was out of character for me. I went to counseling afterwards. I'm not sure how much I got out of it, to be honest, but I do know that I was confused about what I wanted and was extremely irresponsible toward myself and others in the way I handled it. I sincerely feel that I have learned my lesson -- painfully -- and won't repeat the behavior.

Sometimes my boyfriend believes that and sometimes he doesn't, but in either case, he says he just can't forget the incident and he can't help thinking about it whenever we're intimate.

I want this to work. I love him and he is my best friend, and I have no desire to be with anyone else. But I also can't live in limbo like this forever.

Any thoughts? Can we make this relationship work?

[Leed]

Personally, I don't see where you did anything "wrong." You and your boyfriend weren't "together" when all this happened. Even that last episode was before you officially got back together. So he doesn't have any RIGHT to chastise you for it. You were free to see others -- so was he.

He definitely needs some counseling to deal with his depression, jealousy, and anger. If it was me, I'd tell him either get some counseling, or leave me alone. NO one needs to be verbally abused -- I don't care what the issue is. And the angrier he gets, the more likely he is to hit you.

If he doesn't get some therapy SOON, I'd tell this guy goodbye. You don't need it -- it will only get worse. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[emptybee15]

Leed always has GREAT advice!!!

[Lana Kent]

Thanks. I have kind of felt from the start that he was overreacting and that a lot of his reaction has nothing to do with me or what I did (which, whether it was cheating or not, I'm still not proud of). I have tried to draw the line at verbal abuse. The last time he called me a derogatory name I told him if he used that or any similar term toward me again, it would be our last conversation. I intend to follow through on that, but it would really hurt to do it. Honestly, I have kind of felt the whole time that he is trying to push me to the point where I'll be the one to walk away, since he can't seem to follow through on ending it and doesn't want to put the work in to mend it. But I don't want to walk away. I want to work things out. At what point do I decide it's really not going to get better and that I need to end it?

[greywolfe81]

The way I see it. You didn't cheat. You were in transition but weren't with anybody.
His strong reaction does border on abusive. One doesn't have to lay a hand on you to be abusive. Saying he has thoughts about harming you is a gigantic red flag. IMHO
Over a year ago I cheated on my boyfriend. It was ugly and nasty and all associated with my then untreated mental illness. After a six month or so separation. We started to talk again. There were conditions to getting back together. Each of us needed individual therapy, we would go to couples counseling, and we went to a couples IMAGO workshop to help us communicate better. We are engaged with a date set for May 18.
It was possible to fix a flat out infidelity. It also was a lot of hard work on both our parts. It only worked because we took actions to fix the relationship and we both wanted it to work.
Hope that helps.

[greywolfe81]

I don't really see that you did anything wrong. It doesn't look like you cheated on your boyfriend.
I was unfaithful with my boyfriend about a year ago. Our conditions of getting back together was each of us were in counseling, we went to couple's therapy, and went to an IMAGO couple's workshop to relearn how to talk to each other.
Though I do think he is being rather abusive by telling you he has thoughts of harming you. To me that's a giant red flag.

[Leed]

If you have felt that he has been intentionally trying to push you to end it, I think I'd trust my "gut" and leave! It might hurt for awhile, but would you rather it continue this way forever, or would you like a healthy relationship with someone else? This one doesn't seem to be doing you much good ~ and if he isn't willing to work on the relationship, you can count on it NOT getting any better!

He doesn't deserve you -- you can't be the one doing all the work to preserve the relationship.

God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

WELCOME TO PC.

Then I told him I still didn't know if I wanted to get back together but that, anyway, I would break up with the other guy because I clearly wasn't ready to be in a relationship with someone else. Then, instead, I slept with the other guy one more time.

1. i don't see how you were in the wrong since you were honest with your ex and told him at that time you weren't sure about getting back together. so sleeping with the other guy was your rightful choice.
2. your boyfriend seems very unstable. if you really feel you are a good match give him an ultimatum about therapy. he seriously needs it, imho.
3. i'm fearful also that he may harm you in a serious way.
4. not sure if this relationship will work. he's harboring a grudge that he chooses to. you all can't move forward cause he keeps himself and you in the past.
5. i know your intentions about being honest with him were well intended but hope you know now you didn't have to tell him. you didn't betray him in any way.
6. why not give the relationship a cooling off period. you know he has mental health issues. you know he won't let your" confession" go. you deserve better from him. don't believe that's possible.

[Lana Kent]

Thanks, all, for the kind words and support.

We had another crisis since I posted this. I had a friend coming to town to visit for the weekend. As I was heading out to pick her up at the airport, I called my boyfriend to talk about weekend plans. He said he would come down Saturday (he lives a two-hour drive way) and we could all hang out. He sounded normal and fine. A few minutes later, while I was on the freeway, I got a text message from him saying "I'm going to bash my head into the wall until I'm dead. Thanks for trying." I pulled over and tried to call him. His phone was off. I had a feeling, based on a previous incident, that he wasn't really planning to follow through on the threat, but I didn't want to risk it, so I called his aunt, who lives near to him, and asked if she could go check on him. She did, and he was fine, at least physically. This is the first time I have involved someone else in the situation.

When we talked about it, I told him that this can't continue, that he needs to get into therapy immediately, and that the next time he threatens to harm himself, I'm going to call the police. When I asked him what happened, he said he just started "freaking out" after we got off the phone, thinking about how a few years ago, it would have been a tragedy if he died, because he had potential and talent and a lot of people who cared about him, but now, it just wouldn't matter.

I told him, of course, that that's not true and that it would be a tragedy now if he were gone, and I and a lot of other people would be devastated.

But I am absolutely furious with him for putting me in such a horrible situation at the worst possible time. I don't know if the threat was intended to be manipulative, but it felt that way. And on top of that, I have a lot of built-up resentment about the way he has treated me over the other-guy incident for the past six months -- which increasingly, I realize is not about me but about his untreated depression and other mental health issues. I truly love him and want him to be well. But part of me wants to scream at him, and part of me wants to walk away.

I'm not going to scream at him, but I feel like I need to express my anger to him somehow or I am going to burst. Is there a way to do that with someone who is severely depressed without further destabilizing them?

[Lana Kent]

Another addendum: I have been doing some research online about self-harming/suicidal behavior and realized that my boyfriend has pretty much all the traits associated with borderline personality disorder. Don't know for sure if he has it, since he has not yet sought treatment or been diagnosed with anything, but it makes sense, especially in light of his history of anger issues, self-harming, and extreme reactions to what he perceives as rejection or abandonment.

[greywolfe81]

Originally Posted by Lana Kent

Thanks, all, for the kind words and support.

We had another crisis since I posted this. I had a friend coming to town to visit for the weekend. As I was heading out to pick her up at the airport, I called my boyfriend to talk about weekend plans. He said he would come down Saturday (he lives a two-hour drive way) and we could all hang out. He sounded normal and fine. A few minutes later, while I was on the freeway, I got a text message from him saying "I'm going to bash my head into the wall until I'm dead. Thanks for trying." I pulled over and tried to call him. His phone was off. I had a feeling, based on a previous incident, that he wasn't really planning to follow through on the threat, but I didn't want to risk it, so I called his aunt, who lives near to him, and asked if she could go check on him. She did, and he was fine, at least physically. This is the first time I have involved someone else in the situation.

When we talked about it, I told him that this can't continue, that he needs to get into therapy immediately, and that the next time he threatens to harm himself, I'm going to call the police. When I asked him what happened, he said he just started "freaking out" after we got off the phone, thinking about how a few years ago, it would have been a tragedy if he died, because he had potential and talent and a lot of people who cared about him, but now, it just wouldn't matter.

I told him, of course, that that's not true and that it would be a tragedy now if he were gone, and I and a lot of other people would be devastated.

But I am absolutely furious with him for putting me in such a horrible situation at the worst possible time. I don't know if the threat was intended to be manipulative, but it felt that way. And on top of that, I have a lot of built-up resentment about the way he has treated me over the other-guy incident for the past six months -- which increasingly, I realize is not about me but about his untreated depression and other mental health issues. I truly love him and want him to be well. But part of me wants to scream at him, and part of me wants to walk away.

I'm not going to scream at him, but I feel like I need to express my anger to him somehow or I am going to burst. Is there a way to do that with someone who is severely depressed without further destabilizing them?

He has a lot more problems than you can help him with.