[TheJessinator]

I like to be a mostly organized person, meaning that my Friends list on Facebook is true to the word; only my actual friends and family are on there (numbering to a grand total of 38 friends).

As I was deleting folks I haven't talked to in a long time (and have no desire to re-ignite communications with), I noticed for perhaps the billionth time in my life; I have very few friends, to put it mildly.

My best friend "Dave" is back home 2,000 miles away, in college. My next closest friend is even farther, working hard in Utah. And finally, my last close friend is also far away in Nevada. I have several acquaintances here in South Carolina, and that's it. And by several I mean 5. And that's really it.

With the clarity of retrospect, I see that throughout my life, I have have had no friends for multiple extended periods of time. My best friend Dave only became my hypothetical brother after he matured. As a kid, he was a snake; smiling at you while he stabbed you in the back (he wants to be a politician, haha!). Ironically, he's the only lasting friend I have, and he's the best. Throughout my childhood, it's pretty much just been him as my friend. He's always had numerous friends, he's contagious. I'm one of his many close friends. I am the opposite.

Why is this? I can say that there are plenty of things in our culture that I just don't like. I don't like sports (competition tends to bring out the worst in us; team work is where it's at), I listen to Classical music and movie soundtracks, I don't dance, I don't like loud chaotic crowds, I'm a very safe driver, and I obey the law 100%. This doesn't fly well with most people around my age (20). I'm pretty much boring in their eyes, even if we share multiple common interests.

I'm socially awkward and I'm incredibly lonely all the time. I'm so willing to hang out with people, to get to know them; somehow I'm the one starting conversations, taking the lead, encouraging positive environments. And yet, "Hey call me later! We can hang out/play video games/whatever!" "Okay!" Never got that call. Was it something I said? I doubt it. I might be slightly awkward but I've seen worse! I had everyone dying with laughter (not at me, with me) just a minute ago, I'd imagine they'd be a little more open.

I'm very alone here in South Carolina. New place, new people, I've never been here before. The terrible thing is that my job required me to be trained in a different location. Everyone was in a class of 8. A few people from each class, as well as the class just ahead or behind them, would wind up together at the same location. Everyone already has their friends, their clique. They have a schedule. I was injured, and was delayed. My class and everyone I knew went ahead and experienced many things together, pretty much forgetting about me. Now I show up, "new," disrupting their plans and trying to inject myself into their lives.

What can I do? 90% alone throughout my life, 95% alone now. Why am I chronically alone? Are my standards too high? Are most people alone like this? And how can I cope with this intense loneliness I'm always feeling? I never think of anything else. "All I want is friends, I want a girlfriend, I want a family, I want to live the American Dream, all I want is love." And yet it is fleeting. My parents love me, but they're not in South Carolina.

Thank you for your time and patience.
-Jesse

Hello, Jesse. Do you think you would benefit from some therapy?

[Open Eyes]

Hi Jess,
I am guessing your a male here because Jess can be either. The clue for me was Jetmacanic but even then could be female.

It is typical for people to have few friends and it is not necessarily because someone is not worthy of friendship either. There is a saying that says if you can count your true friends on one hand you are very lucky. And that saying speaks a reality about life for everyone.

It sounds like your very young and outgoing in many ways and I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I just think that you are expecting things of others that they are just not capable of giving. Typically people don't just jump at you and say, lets be best friends and confident like you. And a lot of times people make connections out of a common need that is kind of a secret bond between them.
And typically it is a slow process of developing a trust in another human being that provides a very intimate source of support and sense of safety. And that kind of friendship is not easily obtainable and so the saying is really accurate and most people aquire very few close friends in their lives.

However many people develope a capacity to have many casual "aquaintances"and
there is a definite boundary language that is presented and true intimacy really never happens, it is just a circle of individuals that fit well in a basic sense of acceptance without real intimacy and deep trust.

And when a new person like you is presented to that group there is a definite grace period where those that are in the group see if there is a fit that is nonthreatening.
And it sounds like you are so striving for true intimacy that when you come across that situation you might just be a threat that is not really being critical of you, but is saying basically we are not that way, we don't get into each others heads that deeply, we would rather be somewhat shallow. Or, it could also mean that, we are a small group that took time to really accept each other and your so outgoing that we just cant maintain that kind of person in our group because we really struggle to be outgoing and you may want to take us places we are not comfortable really going and having you around us is uncomfortable because we dont really have your qualities and we don't want to be reminded of that.

And the other thing that you have to understand about friends, is that it is really like having a garden that you really have to take time out and tend to each person in that garden and many people are just so busy tending to their own needs that they don't want to invest in having to tend to any garden other than maybe something that just comes up every year and is there without any tending.

To have an intimate friend within a group you have to make a real effort to very carefully cultivate that one person without invading them in any way and it is a real effort because you have to be willing to put your own opinions aside and find a way to accept that other persons opinions as just their opinions and not their loss of value as a person. And if your a strong minded person that goes around expressing your opinions and conveying a message that says, you have to believe this and see this and learn this and realize this and this is how you need to change and be like me and have my views or we can't be friends, you will definitely be without friends.

And it is such a balancing act because generally people can get just so far and than there comes that time where personal opinions get in the way and disappointment and a sense of betrayl sets in ruining the friendship.

So your friend that wants to be a politician can operate on a level where he can prevent this personal betrayl from taking place and can focus on messaging the egos of others. And the bottom line is that his real motivation is about him and his needs and that he likes to collect people so he can gain. And there are people who are really good at that and can very artfully message egos and collect many people as allies. Because people always love to have their personal egos messaged.

Hope that helps Jess. It is not just you or that your a failure, your question is a very common question. And to have a lot friends you have to be willing to make every effort to message the egos of others on a regular basis and that is very time consuming. And you also have to have a kind of Iron shell that can be able to take a lot of criticism and display that to others. And it doesn't mean that in the end you are going to be a truely personally satisfied person.

Just for an example Ronald Regan was a very respected man and he accomplished many things in his life, but he didn't have an real friends other than his wife. And a lot people liked him and may have even wanted to relate to him in a more intimate way but he didn't have the time to practice that or devote his time to that. And there are alot of successful people that don't really have close friends and are often lonely. Even Washington was a very quiet man and somewhat lonely. Geez, even Lincoln was somewhat reserved and lonely too.

So, hopefully Jess that will give you a better perspective on having realistic goals and what it might take to aquire those goals as far as friends go. And it can be very complicated to understand on a personal level, your truely not alone in that and many people have low self esteem and struggle and they are very careful how they expose themselves. And it can very hard because these people can seem very negetive and even pushy. So its not always you.

Open Eyes

[StrongerMan]

Hi Jesse,

Yes, get some therapy and learn more about what makes you... you. Read up about personality types, temperament and HSP's. You may find that your the type of person that just needs deeper, closer friendships in their life and it's hard sometimes to develop those in today's fast paced, superficial world. You are probably in the minority as far as temperament and the majority of people are more extroverted and like to have a ton of "friends" so they can get the level of stimulation they need in life. You are not weird or wrong.. just different. And there are many like you. Once you understand what makes you tick, you'll learn how to better adjust to it and make it work for you rather than you fighting against it.