[hartbroken]

I've been diagnosed with bipolar unspecified for 12-13 years. I finally found a woman who loves me and I love her. We're talking about marriage, in fact we've been talking about it for a few years. We don't draw in enough money to make it, but we're both willing to go for it knowing God provides. The second thing is that my illness makes it very hard for me to work, with my loss of concentration and memory. So this contributes to the fact that making ends meet will be very difficult. But like I say, we're putting our faith in God to do what we can't.

The hardest part of all this is that I'm a nervous wreck, even though I love her. My illness gives me a nervous stomach most of the time, and this turns into stress. It's stress that got me in the hospital the first time, it would be stress that triggers the illness again. Can I marry without being too stressed out about the responsibilities?

Here are some things I know:

Pros for marrying:
- I can't live at home with my parents forever - eventually I must move
- I don't want to be alone in my own apartment - way too much responsibility for someone like me
- I love this girl
- She loves me

Cons for not marrying:
- I often get so nervous thinking about being away from home
- I get stressed out about financial things quickly
- I'm afraid my love for her may be governed by my feelings and not based on reality
- I don't know what reality is sometimes
- I don't want to drive her crazy with my illness
- I want her well taken care of when we get older, something I don't know I can do well

As time goes on, she knows what my illness is, and how difficult it is for me to know reality from irrational. She's understanding the manic/depressive cycles too.

What I'd like to know is

1. How many of you who are bipolar unspecified are happily married?
2. Can you manage your stress?
3. Does your mate understand you as well as possible?
4. Have there ever been times your mate wishes they weren't married to you?
5. Have you been in the hospital since you've been married, due to stressors of being part of the household to make money, spend it wisely, and deal with marital issues?

If there's any other advice you can give me, it would be much appreciated.

[Starvin4Perfection]

Originally Posted by hartbroken

What I'd like to know is

1. How many of you who are bipolar unspecified are happily married?
2. Can you manage your stress?
3. Does your mate understand you as well as possible?
4. Have there ever been times your mate wishes they weren't married to you?
5. Have you been in the hospital since you've been married, due to stressors of being part of the household to make money, spend it wisely, and deal with marital issues?

If there's any other advice you can give me, it would be much appreciated.

Hi Hartbroken,

I'm sorry you're struggling with your disorder and whether to get married or not. When I was 20 I was diagnosed Bipolar NOS but it got changed a few years ago to BPD. I'll try to answer your questions as best as I can...

1. How many of you who are bipolar unspecified are happily married?
I was married when I was 20 but ended up divorcing 4 years later. This had nothing to do with the disorder though, it was the person. I've maintained many long-term stable relationships without any problems though.

2. Can you manage your stress?
I can manage stress fairly well. I'm a high-functioning BPD. I think the ability to cope has a lot to do with your medication and therapy.

3. Does your mate understand you as well as possible?
My bf is extremely understanding. He definitely has those moments where he gets frustrated and doesn't understand why I can't "snap out of it" but overall he gets it.

4. Have there ever been times your mate wishes they weren't married to you?
Everyone goes through that from time to time... no relationship is perfect.

5. Have you been in the hospital since you've been married, due to stressors of being part of the household to make money, spend it wisely, and deal with marital issues?
No I haven't, but I've also had a lot of therapy and found a really good balance in my medication.

I don't know if any of that helps you very much, but I'd like to give you an opinion. Marriage is not that much different than a committed long-term relationship... it is just legalized with a certificate and you get a better tax-break. It may seem like there is this huge responsibility to provide, protect, take care of, but if you've managed a relationship with her for this long; I think you'll be ok. I'm not trying to minimize what marriage is because it is an obvious symbol of love, but life doesn't change just because you're married. If you're ready, do it... if you're not, wait until you are. Best of luck!

[lad007]

1. How many of you who are bipolar unspecified are happily married?
I am successfully married.

2. Can you manage your stress?
I try to manage it with exercise, getting enough sleep, taking meds, brainstorming how to reduce it.

3. Does your mate understand you as well as possible?
I think he tries, but biochemically our brains are different, so he can never truly understand what it is like to be BP. He does know how I act when I am not well, and will point out-that's your illness talking.

4. Have there ever been times your mate wishes they weren't married to you?
Yes. It's a lot for a spouse to handle, I think due to the unpredictability of the disorder.

5. Have you been in the hospital since you've been married, due to stressors of being part of the household to make money, spend it wisely, and deal with marital issues?
Yes I was hospitalized for a week, it was hard for him to see me like that. But I got better.

I think the main thing that has contributed to our success has been that I am responsible for my own mental health. He can't fix it, and I don't expect him to. I will let him know I am struggling, and he provides support, but we know he will never be able to solve this for me.