[Erikasuns]

I am 39 years old and have 2 boys 5 & 8. I have been married for 20 years and been together for 22 years. I have one sister 10 years younger and one brother 3 years younger. Long story short, my parents never liked my Husband. My father never even went to the wedding. Over the years things got a little better (my mother thought he was taking me away from her). Anyway, my mother is a very needy person, and I am not. She calls every day. When I had my son things got strained. She watched him for me 3 x's a week. Did nothing we asked of her, and she would lie. She was very rude to my husband all the time. Around the time my first son was 2, I got in a very big fight with my sister (very spoiled and selfish) and my mother chose sides. This of course strained our relationship even further. Then about 1 year after that, My brother had stayed out of the issue, until he was to get married. Wrote me in an email to "get over the issue with my sister" but of course not asking her to do so.(which she started) then tells me that he doesn't want to have either of us in the wedding because my SISTER is going to feel uncomfortable. I got angry and said forget it, I won't be there at all. Again, only caring about her feelings, when it was there day, get over it. I had no problem standing up there with her, its not about her its about their wedding. well I never went, didn't end up talking to either until 1 year later when my father had a cancer scare and I decided that I wanted him to be happy, so I intiated contact. (no apology from them mind you). Ever since then, there has been constant friction, mostly with my mom and my husband. She is constantly yelling at him, or belittling him. In front of my kids. This last weeked essentially has brought me back 3 years ago. Side note: my mom watches my sister's kids ALL THE TIME. 3 to 4x's a week. , Never watches mine or even asks to. My relative came up to see my parents with her niece whom my son likes to play with, he was going to spend the night at my mom's at her request. He was so excited. Towards the end of the night, she decides she's too tired (mind you my aunt was there taking care of them and he's 8) I freaked. I asked her what the story was and she said "oh just forget it" Now she said this to my husband first. I said I am not going to dissapoint him after you said he could come. So Later on, my husband was going to light fireworks at the request of my Brother in law(was his party) and my mother stands up and say's" no your not, your not lighting any fireworks here!) that was the last straw with my husband. Since then, We later found out that my BROTHER had my SISTER in the wedding after pushing me aside and putting me through that for my sister's feelings, only to have her in the wedding after all!!! I am so so hurt that they did that. That I had a miscarriage over the entire thing back in 2004, and yet here we go again. Where do I go from here? I feel guilt for not letting my kids see her anymore, but yet how can I. She continuely hurts me and my husband and my eldest sees this. I am the one that has always been there for my parents~ Example~ my mom had chest pains, so I insisted she go to the dr.s. I drove 30 minutes to get her and take her to the ER. My sister is literally 5 minutes away, and text's me if she should come by?????? are you kidding???? I told her you do what you feel you need to, Im not going to tell you if you should come. (this happend in the fall). My husband wants a "pow wow" with everyone. He actually called up my brother in law to get a straight answer (not my brother, my sister's husband) and he said he was told not to talk to my husband or answer the phone if he called!!! Can you believe it??? So what now, Im emotionally drained and don't know what to do. My mother isn't going to changed, and I can't let it effect my relationship with my husband anymore. Please help

[madisgram]

my therapist offered me a suggestion re my dysfunctional family. he asked me, how do you stay healthy in an unhealthy relationship. i was baffled. he said, keeping a healthy distance. meaning to cut back on my getting involved with my family. not put fires out for them. set healthy boundaries with them. it doesn't have to be in miles. the important thing is to just not be as "available". he also told me in an uncomfortable dialogue/situation it was ok for me to leave to get out of the "arena".
setting healthy boundaries and assertiveness includes-

The first step is to inform the one doing the bullying that you are not comfortable with it and it has to stop. Describe the specific kinds of behaviors or comments that are hurtful or inappropriate. (i use the "I feel.." words to do this.)
It is enough to state that you are setting some healthy boundaries for yourself and will no longer allow yourself to be bullied, criticized or judged. Very soon everyone, including the one bullying, will understand those boundaries, and likely will respect them.
If, after all this, your boundaries are not respected, then yes, it is absolutely okay not to put yourself in an unhealthy situation. If a person needs to keep at you, you are not going to be safe around them. As a child you may have had to put up with mistreatment, but as an adult, you do not. http://psychologyforliving.blogspot....th-family.html