Anger and Resentment

About 3 years ago, my wife, who has always been a stay at home mom, decided she wanted to go to school and get a job outside of the home. I was making great money, and so was she, running her own business. I was always so full of joy and put her up on a pedestal. I enjoyed my job, and we had fairy tale couples life. Since she has started working outside the home, I've changed....for the worst. I have no joy anymore, hate her job, and we argue all the time now. Our fairy tale has turned into a marriage barely hanging on, and I know it's my resentment to her working outside of the home. I used to spoil her rotten and she was the happiest girl in the world. Now I even hate my job. I basically have put my foot down to where there is no communication allowed outside of work with co-workers, no company functions....I hate everything about it, including my job. What's wrong with me and how do I fix this. I miss us.

Have you considered marriage counseling? Maybe you can't get back the old you+her, but hopefully build a new and better, happier, more well-rounded life together. Life on a pedestal can get lonely and boring, I would think. Would you want to be up there, birds poopin' on ya, ya can't move? Well, that's what came to my mind about pedestal, sorry! Best wishes, I hope you can work something out. Things sound lonely and not fun for both of you right now.

I totally understand what your saying about the pedestal thing. I meant it in the best possible way. Counseling may be an option. I'm just not getting past it. I think a big part of it was that I felt like I'm less of a man...I'm not the provider and caretaker. She said it just came down to needing to feel like she has accomplished something...get some adult interaction....etc.... When we first got together, all she ever wanted to do was be a stay at home mom. So when it actually came down to her working outside of the home, I felt like a failure. Like I can't provide for her and my family. What sucks, is that it has totally changed my personality. I'm cynical, and negative, especially when it comes to her job. Almost like I was replaced. Not so much because of anything she's done or said. She's still the same sweet girl...but that's fading...because of me. Her company Christmas party is coming up....and I know she really wants to go....but it infuriates me inside to even think about being around those people. I NEVER go to anything work related outside of work. Work is for work, and once I'm "clocked out" I don't want to see or hear from anyone pertaining to work. So I don't believe in going to company functions etc... What's crazy, is that I'm the most social person you'll ever meet. But have a very odd and staunch stance on that stuff. I don't believe in friends you work with. I've seen that situation fail time and time again. Her friends are almost everyone she works with. So it makes for some heated exchanges when we're asked to do things with her "friends"

my first husband didn't like my work friends either. But I had them before I met him, and I ended up giving them up for him, then I got rid of him because what was left of my life was his druggy friends, not my "talky" friends. and I have had a crappy lonely life ever since. What are you worried about?, if I may ask. I know my husband was concerned that he was not social enough, he was an engineer and liked to play cards, and my friends were more - not yuppies exactly, but talking about movies and current events, I guess. And men and women talked to each other, which didn't happen with my husband's friends. Oh yeah, and microwave ovens had just been invented.

I don't know, man. What's with the "rules"? Does she have rules for you, is that how your relationship is set up? Or do you try to make each other happy? Try to find things to DO that make each other happy? Does one of you have an alcohol problem that will make such a party a problem? I've had that happen to me, where someone said they didn't want to go to something, but didn't want to tell me that was why. I'm sorry, as you can tell, I don't like the "because I said so", I guess because I got it from my parents so much. And it seems so arbitrary here, and you're gonna make here be different from everyone else at work, which may end up making her quit. So it's more than just the party. I realize you're the one who wrote in asking for support, so can we ask how to help you move forward, rather than how to go backward? Cuz I think the genie is out of the bottle, the toothpaste is already out of the tube. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I wouldn't say it's a "because I said so" mentality. We don't have rules and tell each other what we can and can't do. I'm just very outspoken on things I believe in. I've just seen these corporate events get so out of hand...people hang out with people from work and then they come back to work and it's a "did you see what so and so did at the Christmas party..." or "I was with so and so and they are NOTHING like they are here...etc.." Granted...we're not the type of people that would give anyone anything to gossip about. We love everyone and are just more social drinkers...have one with the crowd. So we're not going to do anything stupid. I've just been privy to the 2 faced corporate world. So my personal belief is that work stays at work. And I admit, I'm pretty staunch in that belief.

I guess the biggest question is what can I do to get beyond the fact that I feel totally inadequate, replaced, and so much of a failure....it may seem silly or trivial to most, because MOST women have to work outside of the home to make ends meet today, but those are my feelings none-the-less, and I never thought we would be in that position. She's the best person I know...she doesn't deserve for me to feel this way. I really appreciate all of the input.

The dynamics of your relationship have shifted - you like to have your wife stay home in the typical wife role. You liked feeling like you're the bread winner and she's taken care of of. I also hear in your post there's a large element of control over your wife. This boils down to fear and lack of trust. You're having a heard time accepting she has other focuses in her life.

You might be fine not mixing socially at work but she isn't. These work friends were also her friends before. If you really trust your wife, then she could hypothetically be in a room of naked men and not cheat or want them. The more you try to reel her in, the more unhappy she'll be. All your feelings are more about you than your wife. You need to work on those fears, decide to trust your wife and support her. Good luck.

Totally understand. I've never been this way before, so of course me not being in control of myself isn't helping either. I had never thought of it as a trust issue, but I can see where you're coming from. I certainly never wanted to be controlling either. It's not a "you can't do this" type of mentality, but I guess as strongly as I voice my opinions could influence her decisions. She's a big girl, she should be able to befriend anyone she wants...I just didn't want her getting all wrapped up in inter-office politics, but I guess that's inevitable. So how do I compromise my convictions.....she's all for doing the work stuff, hanging out with people from work etc...

Secondly, what steps can I take to feeling so inadequate now. I've always been this confident, social, conquer the world guy. This is awful, new territory for me.

You deserve credit for trying to see others peoples views on your situation. I understand how this change can seem threatening, when you've been used to having her being the stay at home wife/mother. I know there are sacrifices when the wife works - like not having the home organized as well, time consuming meals, kids organized etc. How old are you kids?

Not all women work just to earn a 2nd income. Some also need to feel accomplished in other ways besides being a wife and mother. Your wife might be a tad more social than you. I agree it can be risky getting too involved socially. Hopefully your wife is a good woman and will limit herself without totally cutting herself off. I think a Christmas party is fine but not doing any one on one after work things with other men. How often does she want to hang out with work friends?

Just keep in mind, her working doesn't have to diminish your value, even if she were to make more money. How are chores handled at home now that she works? Does that bother you that chores don't get done like before? You and your wife should also go on a date night together - where you don't talk about problems or work. The idea is to connect like you did before you got married.

My kids are older now...Senior all the way down to 7th grade. So definitely alot more self sufficient. As far as the chores go, the house is more disorganized, but really not so much of an issue for me as it is for her. We're very diligent about date night and "us" time....we're still viewed as the couple that makes everyone around us ill. But since I've felt like this, I make her feel like I don't like her. I hate that...I adore her.

As far as work friends go, she really doesn't ask to go out with them, just moreso "implies" and none of them are male. She has like 8-9 girls in her office that all share cubes. She's constantly doing birthday things for them, cheer up stuff, baby showers, etc..and hints around about lunches, work events, team building. It's her first real venture into the corporate world and she's all about it. Like a kid in a candy store. She's one of the most morally sound people I know. So I wouldn't ever worry about her asking to hang out with a male co-worker. As far as her being more social, she might be getting that way. I've spent years touring in a band, so I really value my time at home....so it's rare, well I don't want to say rare...but I would rather do family stuff than social stuff. She's been saying as of late "I really would like to start going out with other couples and doing stuff in groups...we don't have that..and I hear everyone at work talking about dinner parties and get togethers etc.."

I know I have some changing to do...that's why I'm here. And I totally am soaking everything in and listening very intently.

Sounds like to me that you have been used to being in the spot light, It's time to let someone else have it for a bit. I mean...Where was she when you were traveling? At home keeping things running smooth for when you got home? Not that she loves you any less but you may be home more so she has decided she can take a little time away! Go with the flow.....meet some new friends, enjoy a dinner party, etc....give her some time to shine! Sit back enjoy the show!

I'm not sure what the missing puzzle piece is here, let me think on it.

My point of view on it is that now that her children don't need her as much any more, she was probably having some issues with her own self esteem and self worth. It's hard to contribute to family life when your kids are rebelling and setting up their own independence. Honestly, I think a job is the best thing for your wife right now. I also don't think that your wife is necessarily getting involved in office politics, drama, gossip, what have you. I think she is meeting and interacting with women her own age, probably for the first time in a long time. I also wouldn't be surprised if she needed a break from "family" time. It sounds like she's only had family time for the past 18 years, and again, the kids are rebelling and setting up their own boundaries and identities outside of family life (meaning they're probably not up for much family time either).

I'm glad that you are realizing your new thought patterns and behavior aren't helping the family dynamic, and I'm glad you're open to advice and hearing from others. My guess is that perhaps therapy for just you might be in order, maybe eventually working towards couples therapy, or both individual and couples right of the bat at the same time. In couples, you would be able to express how your feeling with the therapist acting as a mediator. Perhaps there is something your wife could do to help reassure you are still needed/wanted. Your wife would also be able to safely state why she decided to get a job and how she is benefiting from it (Remember, you love her, you do want what is best for her). In individual therapy, your therapist could help you uncover why you are feeling the way you do and give you tips on how to handle those thoughts when they come up (deep breathing, followed by positive self affirmations -- "I am needed. I am appreciated. My wife's job has nothing to do with my ability to provide for the family."

Good luck. And again, i'm so glad that you are understanding and open to change.

I have a stupid question. Have you told all this to your wife? Have you told her that this is your issue, you still love and adore her? I was just wondering because that might go a long way toward a discussion that you two seem to desperately need. Plus if you don't tell her all this and what's going on in your head she might be thinking all this is her fault. Sorry I don't really have anything of value to add.

Thank you to everyone above for the insight. It is all very much appreciated.

I actually did sit down on several occasions to explain my feelings about the situation. I knew that it was bothering her, affecting our relationship, the family dynamic, and I know how stupid it is to let something like that bother me....so I suppressed anything vocal about it and have been doing exactly as asked. Asking her about her job, how her day went, listening to the stories from work...which, honestly, was a huge step for me. A couple of days ago....I decided to talk to her about how it made me feel like I wasn't a provider, like I was less of a man, and how I felt like a failure as a husband and father. I told her it wasn't anything she did or said, it was just the realization that the extra income had now become a necessity. We wouldn't make it on my income alone. She immediately took offense (maybe rightfully so) and said she had never done anything to make me feel that way. All of the understanding that we used to have is now a defensive stance...on both parts. It's just simply not us...and I'm sure I'm to blame for that. I have made a very concentrated effort to be better, and I know it will take time to prove that.

Maybe if the two of you, with the holidays coming up, can get involved in doing something for somebody else, some sort of volunteer project, it could put things in perspective and help your sense of self-worth.

I like that!

Sorry for jumping in late....

1. I'm a SAHM so I 'get it' about needing outside socialization and while I'm not back at work yet I'm making plans for doing so when my youngest is in school.

2. My husband is going through similar ideas about me not going back to work as we decided before we had kids I was going to or one of us was going to stay home.

3. Don't get caught up in a parent child relationship of you 'forbidding' her to do something. Teenagers always rebel.

4. It sounds like your fears are what's driving this bus? My husband has anxiety (now off meds - yippie for me ) and his fears too drive the bus and it's driving me away from him and he won't go to counseling.

5. It sounds like this situation is almost like a confrontation of ideals 'your religion vs. my religion' 'I believe in this and you don't'.

Is it possible to agree to disagree? Is it possible for you to go to counseling just for yourself? I think if you could work through your fears/anger/hurt (for lack of a more defined term) things will work out. I would kiss the ground my husband walked on if he would go to counseling for himself and to marriage counseling.
I've been married for 10years, together for 14 and not really happy for the last four years. Right now I feel like we are two separate people with nothing in common other than our children and I'm at a loss for what else to do. After my last and final request for him to go to counseling with me if his answer is going to be no then it's going to be an attorney I will be visiting (something I don't want to do but I can't go on living this way for the rest of my life). I will be dirt poor because I don't have a job but it beats living a miserable life one more day.

For you I feel if both parties can put the work in it can be a success. I hope my seemingly short answers don't come across as rude. Just trying to get my thoughts down quickly before I lose them :-)

I wish you the best.