I pick the wrong boys...

I am frustrated. I've dated a few guys, and recently broke up with the last one after nearly a year.

What's frustrating is as soon as I express what I want - they disappear. I don't think it's asking too much to really be in a commitment with someone to understand what my needs are, because Lord knows I've accommodated them!

Why do they tell me they love me when they really aren't? I think that is what I'm most heart-broken about. The last one lied to my face repeatedly about loving me, only to run when I told him I needed him.

Scenario - I was sick. Really sick. I called him and he asked who could help me. Since I live alone, there isn't anyone. He asked if I could call a friend or my family to help, but I couldn't because of my nephew. I didn't want a family member exposed to whatever I had that could get my baby nephew sick. Begrudingly, he comes over, and leaves as soon as he can.

I was heart-broken. Within the next few days we talked about what we both wanted and needed, and he made it clear that he can't be there for me.

Although we didn't officially break up, it's been almost a month with no phone call from him. This happened with a guy I dated prior to him. He told me he loved me, and then he simply disappeared.

Why does this happen? I just don't understand why someone would be so cruel. I know in my heart that I didn't do anything wrong. Is it so wrong to be open and honest in a supposed relationship as to what you want?

For every 1 good one there are probably 10 duds. And there isn't any guarantee that the one good one will work out. So keep trying. And it depends on how soon you throw out your desires or demands and also how you say it.

That's a good way to find out the true nature of a person. How do they react when you really need them and ask them to sacrifice a little for you. The last guy failed with flying colors. Congrats that you found out now rather than any later and wasted more time with him. And if someone tells you they love you unsolicited, that is one thing. If they only say it after you say it, they often just don't want to hurt your feelings. I mean, in this day and age, what do they have to lose?

I'm one of the 'right' guys all the way from holding open the door for you to not swearing. Let me tell you, it's the loneliest thing I've ever committed to in my life. You as a woman have probably been raised sub-consciously to be attracted to the wrong guys because lets face it, the 'wrong guys' are the guys that end up shoving their way to the top of the business ladder.

Look.... if you want to find a good guy you're going to have to look hard and you're going to have to allow yourself time to grow on him. And if he really is a 'good guy' then you're going to need to be entirely open and honest about your intentions from the start. Any guy worth a second of your time is probably so hurt trust wise that he won't be willing to be open and honest with you unless you are with him --> and he'll accommodate you not the other way around. He should value you.

I feel like I do this 2!

But sommetimes the "wrong boys" motivates us to be a better person...

I dont know how but thats how I felt!

And @ first I thought he was a "wrong guy" but the more I got to know him he was a sweetheart!

*Never judge a book by its cover, and never judge a person by their face! *

I think it is a good thing that you want to be open and honest, and that should be respected. Hard to say why someone would say they love you and disappear, my husband told me a lot of men will say they love you because that's what you want to hear, and they really want sex.

A couple of things come to mind. You might try to stop being so accommodating to these young men and also consider that when they tell you they love you, that they mean it as they understand love. If they are immature, love may not mean "in sickness and in health" to them. It may mean "when I am getting my physical needs and ego gratification met." So take the next relationship very slowly.

I agree with most of the comments made by other responders in this thread, and have a few of my own to add. Most of the guys you're probably dealing with are either confirmed bachelors (of whom there are more every year), or divorced guys who've been burned in one way or another. By your age, the "good" guys have long since been vacuumed up. That's not to say there can't be "good" guys among those bachelors or the divorced, but men in both those categories need special treatment to become "good" guys.

The confirmed bachelors have some kind of problem (large or small) with relationships and family. That's why they're bachelors. Something in their background turns them off on relationships beyond a certain limit on intimacy, beyond their comfort zone. I would guess that gals in your situation have to devote some time to sniffing out, probably indirectly, what has the guy scared of getting as close together as you'd like. And then doing something, quietly, unobtrusively, to reassure him on that point or those points. Before he has a chance to run away.

The divorced guys may, for all I know, be somewhat easier. They obviously had an unhappy relationship. And here, again, you need to snoop around and somehow figure out what his problem was in his marriage. Why he's divorced. With divorced guys this should be reasonably easy. At the right time and in the right place most divorced guys LOVE to talk about their ex-spouses and how bad they were. And you have to position yourself as the Un-Former Spouse. The different woman. The one who wouldn't DREAM of doing what Former Spouse may have done.

If you take the whole pool of available guys for your age group, and if you subtract the confirmed bachelors and divorced guys, I don't know that you'll have many left. Anyone reasonably comfortable with marriage and family is usually spoken for by their early thirties. You're dealing, mainly, with two special groups. You might even want to do some research on these two groups, their psychological characteristics and other factors relevant to turning them into good and decent boyfriends and husbands. I'm sure it can be done. It's just not as simple as looking for good guys when you're 21. Take care!

I highly suggest buying and reading the bookk 'Attached' by Levine & Heller. Really some eye-opening stuff on exactly the kind of thing you're talking about.

That sounds interesting!!!

I will have 2 give that a read one weekend!