[gashly]

I want to connect to other people but I can't, and I can't explain it. I feel a void that I can't cross. Sometimes I feel a huge hole inside me, sometimes I feel extremely needy, sometimes I just feel... nothing.

I feel like I'm there, but I'm not. Like things are unreal. I observe what's going on but I feel like I can't process the words people are saying, or follow the content of conversations. When talking to people I feel fuzzy and distant, I don't often process what they say, so I smile and nod in the right places. I guess I pick up the cues ok, but I feel like nothing is getting through. I can't answer questions because I do'nt remember what is said in conversations, so I try to redirect and let other people answer. People often seem to think I'm disinterested, I think, at least, and pull away. I just feel anxious around them and uncomfortable, though I like hanging around them. I am worried they will judge and hate or mock me.

I'll hang out with a group of people and they'll seem to get to know each other, but I'll realize I know nothing about them. I get more and more isolated because they bond and share stories of things that I know nothing about. Eventually they seem closer together and I feel more and more distant, often I give up and drift away, feeling excluded.

Other times I say things, and people just ignore me. I don't know if I'm missing the flow of the conversation, remarking on the wrong point, or if I'm saying something completely inappropriate.

On a one-to-one basis, sometimes I can manage, but only if I really trust the person, which is rare. People I talk to on a one-to-one basis say I'm a good listener. I am good at listening to personal issues, but horrible with facts and performance type stuff (work), because my memory is bad and I'm anxious. I can't make small talk because of this, I can only talk about serious personal stuff. As long as it's something I can interpret and analyze, or not get "wrong", I'm ok.

I tend to spend most of my time holed up somewhere by myself, or occasionally hang out with the odd person, because it is so stressful to be around other people. I am always worried I'll behave inappropriately, or that I'll do or say something stupid and I'll get ostracized or punished by being ignored and excluded, thus shaming me into silence.

I don't understand what happens. I don't understand how I get left out. I don't understand how people bond together.

It's not that I don't like people, or don't want to connect. I am a very affectionate, warm person. People who have gotten to know me always comment that they are surprised that I am so warm, affectionate and cuddly (though are happy that I am), or that I'm vulnerable.

The highest compliment I ever received was from an ex who told me that he loved to talk to me about stuff, because I am direct and straightforward, like a guy, but unlike guys he could tell me anything, especially emotional stuff he'd be afraid to tell guys, because I would listen without judging or mocking him. I feel like I am a cross between male and female, and wonder if that's why I can't fit in anywhere sometimes...

I guess this bothers me because I've always truly wanted to connect to people and feel such a void and lonliness that I can't. In my past attempts to be more outgoing and not wait for others to invite me out, I've tried to set up a few events within a community site that I participated, I was told that I sounded "desperate", and I didn't know what I did wrong. No one would go to anything I set up. I don't know how to organize these things. I just want to be flexible so people will be interested. I feel damned if I do...

[BlueBanana]

I know what you mean. I have hard time in group situations and people think I am a witch because I don't talk much. Have you tried joining one of the single clubs? I can't think of the name right now, my mind is sluggish. They do trips and activities and its a good way to meet people when there is a purpose - like boating, biking, etc. Living social or something like that. I don't know, just a thought.

[gashly]

the thought of a singles club sounds horrifying. I am single, but I don't want to join a club where the goal is to find someone to date. That sounds rather pressuring. I'd rather just have fun with a group of people, and if I happen to meet someone, then that's great. I have joined a couple of communities here, but have fallen out of favor. I'm not sure what else to do at this point, except maybe move to another part of the world?

[Justme_55]

I COMPLETELY relate to you're situation; it's exhausting emotionally and mentally it becomes a terrible cycle of extra anxiety to even try to trust others enough to bond and build a relationship; takes quality people & I have a tendency of drifting towards familiar territory which is almost Never in my favor or healthy. It is easier to be alone and lonely then hurting; but it's always too sad to keep going or not progressing at all. Find comfort in knowing I am the queen of inappropriate; I have no filter and have three close friends that love that trait about me. It used to be something I was ashamed of because I was such a "nuessience" to others by the fact that I had an opinion, take me or leave me I am who I am. You'll find real friends that appreciate even you're "bad" traits whatever they might be. Best of luck!

[gashly]

I wish that were true! I have doubts at this point that I will ever find any friends, or be able to keep them. I seem to lose everyone I get close to. Everyone else seems so lucky to have the support, friends and spouses that they have!

I would feel less bad if it didn't seem that even people worser than me have friends and spouses that support them.

[emptybee15]

Are you sure we aren't twins? I feel all of that on a daily basis. It's exhausting and annoying and ridiculous.

I always wonder why when I speak it's as if I'm speaking jibberish. I get ignored ALL the time. I don't know if I'm just not forward enough or if I'm too quiet. People tell me I talk low a lot too, but to me it sounds fine. I guess because I talk to myself all day.

Just letting you know you aren't alone.

[lad007]

I have struggled with this a lot. However, if you realize that most people like to talk about themselves, it is not hard to make small talk with others. Pick anything like their earrings or clothes. Ask if they are taking a vacation soon, ask about their children or husband, the weather, if they have any good recipes for something, etc. You would be surprised how easy you can get people talking. Also, don't be too afraid of saying something dumb, everyone puts their foot in their mouth sometimes. Just be genuinely interested.
Also, what is your passion what do you enjoy? Joining a club or group with others with a similar interest is a good way to make friends as you already have a common interest. If you don't want to go by yourself get in touch with the head of the club and ask for a ride for your first meeting so you don't have to go in cold.
When people tell stories you know nothing about, ask questions. Again, people like to hear themselves talk. Or go ask them about it later and get more information. Then next time you will know what they are talking about.
These things have helped me become more social.