[standal0ne]

My wife and I met over two years ago. She is over ten years younger than I am. Soon into the relationship, she started showing signs of insecurity. Our first heated fight was over me still having a few pictures of old girlfriends. I said they were part of my past and I should be able to keep them. She argued that I should have no reason to look at them ever again, now that I was with her. Note that the most recent was from over 13 years ago, with others from high school and college. I didn't have very many girlfriends, nor pictures of these women. And no pictures were offensive. I ended up deleting them for her. That's when it started.

Over the years, similar fights broke out, always started by her, regarding my past and present female relationships. I cannot have any female friends. She won't allow me to see any female nudity (movies, TV, art). I cannot use words such as "beautiful" and "attractive" regarding other women (when she asks me!). I can only use "pretty". She has asked me if I ever dated women at work, if I think any are pretty, and if any hit on me, and would she tell me if they did. She's asked me a plethora of questions revolving around, "Would you still love me if..." (if she lost her legs, lost her hair, cheated on me, etc). She is very affectionate and demands I am just as affectionate back. If I am not, she upsets easily. And last night, we met at a bar after work, with her friend, and all went well until we got home. She said I could never go to that bar again since the waitresses wore short skirts. I asked, "So what? Just an outfit." She said I shouldn't have been looking at them at all, that I shouldn't have even noticed their outfits. I tried to explain there is a difference between looking around, and looking to admire or want someone. I was simply looking at everything in the bar. To me, the waitresses were no different that the lights or bar stools. I am married and love my wife, and was happy to be there with her. Fight started (yet again), and I told her over and over we need counseling due to her extreme insecurity. She thinks I'm in the wrong. "You're just like all other men," she said.

I am setting an appointment today with a counselor, for next week (probably earliest). I know he will see this insecurity in her behavior and try to reason with her. I am skeptical if she will ever realize this because it seems so ingrained in her belief system. If she denies her problem, and I see no progress in her dealing with her issue, I fear we may need to divorce at some point. I can't live with this behavior. I shouldn't have to.

I don't need advice about if she needs help. She obviously does. What I need is support myself. I am not supposed to speak with anyone I know about our problems. She fears they would "take my side" against her (they may - people do that), and I believe advice from family and friends would actually be biased toward me. That's of little help.

But you, the reader, don't know me. And you are here, looking for answers yourself and probably can give me better advice that anyone I know. I need advice on how to handle this situation, personally. I am scared we may fight a lot more (I hate fighting), scared she may not react positively to counseling, scared we may separate or divorce (I promised her I would NEVER divorce her). I have no one to talk to about my stress and worry about this. I feel very alone.

I love my wife. I don't want any of this. I don't want to divorce. How do I handle this?

[Yoda]

You are wise to seek counseling. It sounds as if your wife has fear of abandonment. This is something she is going to have to work through. I hope she is honest with the therapist.

[lad007]

I used to act similar when I first got married two years ago, I did not want my husband to speak with his ex who he is very friendly with still, talk to the shop clerks, watch movies with any attractive women in them, etc.
My husband told me-I had a life before we got married, and now I married you.
You have restricted your behavior to try to make her happy, so I feel that while she should not act like that, you have continued to change your behavior to try to keep peace, and now you are angry and resentful, and I'm not sure that is fair.
This is the other side of the story.

[IceCreamKid]

You're doing the right thing getting counseling. Catering to her unreasonable demands isn't helping her or you; if you want to watch a movie, watch it. If she freaks, calmly tell her she's being unreasonable and keep watching. If she asks you "would you ... did you .. etc" about other women, comments on where you were looking, etc. answer her calmly: "Such speculation is a waste of time and only upsets us both. I'm not going to answer those questions (or apologize for looking at furniture, a waitress' outfit, etc.) anymore." Then stick with it. In my experience, catering to her unreasonable behavior makes it continue and probably makes it escalate. If she continues to ask, answer "I've already answered you", get up and leave the room. This won't 'cure' her, but in my experience, those two actions: answering honestly (that what she is doing is unreasonable) and walking away (when she persists) can cut down on at least some of it and/or give you some mental relief.