[jlock4507]

My husband is really irritating me. we have 2 children together, and have been married for 5 years. He is sooo lazy it drives me nuts. He works 1-9:30pm 5 days a week. on the days that he works, he always sleeps until it's time to get ready for work, then once he gets home he stays up all night playing computer games. on his days off he stays up all night and then sleeps until 5 pm or later. He always says that if he takes a vacation day, it's to spend time with the kids and myself. He never does, he'd rather play games with his friends and sleep all day. I am so sick of feeling last on his list of priorities, or not even on that list at all. He also acts like his days off, that he doesn't have to do anything. Must be nice to have a couple days off. I may be a stay at home mom, but I am always busy, I never get a break. I don't think he has ever gotten up with the kids. Every day I wake up at 6 am with the kids, and from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, I am busy either making meals, reading to the kids, bathing them, playing with them, teaching them, and cleaning. He never gives me a break. Today I asked him to take the garbage out on his way out the door, and he couldn't even do that. So, since we live in an upstairs apartment and the dumpster is all the way on the other end of the parking lot, I have to bundle up both kids and take them with me,when he could have just simply taken it out. And anytime I bring anything up that is bothering me, he acts like he is annoyed. we were going to separate about a month ago , but decided to stay and try to work things out. He told me he would put in more of an effort. it's funny because anytime I ask him for help, he always says "I never ask you for anything" the reason it's funny, is because he doesn't need to ask for anything, everything is just expected of me and I do it, not questions asked. He never has to ask me to care for the kids, I enjoy it and would do anything for them, never has to ask me to cook meals, I just do it, it's my responsibility, and am glad to do it, never has to ask me to take care of doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, doing the paperwork, and the grocery shopping, i just do it. My responsibilities as a stay at home mom make me feel good about myself, that I am actually doing something, but once in a while, I don't think asking for a little break is a big deal......not to mention he lies to me all the time...about little things...but it ticks me off. he thinks that telling the truth to me, i will bi*ch about it, but he doesn't realize that lying about stuff makes me more ticked off and not trust him.....He needs to put in more of an effort, or I might have to leave. I am so sick of feeling like I am nothing to him...He says he loves me, but he never shows it. There is barely any affection between us anymore, except for a little peck on the lips,that i go up to him and give him

Any idea why he is so lazy, and detached? I know he is depressed, but he needs to do something about it. I am seeking help for my emotional problems...it's his turn.

[salukigirl]

Have you said all this to him calmly? You said that you ****** but have you ever tried to sit him down and have a conversation about how you are feeling? Do you feel like he is just oblivious or that he seriously does not even care about you? Do you think he would go for couple's counseling?

[jlock4507]

That's the thing...I do talk to him calmly about it, he calls that *****ing, or nagging. He has a big problem. Anytime anyone asks him to do anything, he thinks they are demanding it of him. I think that has to do with his time in the army. (having to obey orders all the time). He has never seen war or anything. Just had one year overseas in Korea. The only thing he got out of that was getting the habit of drinking all the time with his buddies. He doesn't drink that often, but when he does, he has to drink until he is completely drunk. And when he's drunk he has terrible mood swings (if he drinks too much) one minute he will be all lovey dovey and singing love songs to me, and the next minute calling me terrible names and saying he only married me because he had to etc etc....we've made appts for couples counselling , but have had to reschedule so many times because of his work schedule. He says he will go, but there is always an excuse not to. when I talk to him about him sleeping all the time i say it as nicely as I can example: " It would be so nice, if you could get up earlier so we could spend some time together as a family, the kids love spending time with you " but it's like in his head, I'm nagging at him. one day I very nicely asked "when you get a chance could you please get some quarters, so we could do laundry", and he said to me "you don't have to ask me like that" how else am I supposed to ask....

[salukigirl]

Sounds like maybe he is unhappy with himself. It's always impossible to know only having one side of the story. But you need to hold your end of the bargain, too. You are letting him out of these appointments. Maybe he needs a kick in the @ss. I don't like ultimatums but sometimes that's the only way to get results. Either we go to counseling and you try or I'm gone. But don't make any "threats" you can't keep. Because then you will fall back on your word and he will only get the message that he can continue this behavior.

[kaliope]

it definately seems the relationship is at a point that you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your marriage in this fashion or make changes. In looking at change you and your husband are faced with two choices a)make changes or b)terminate the relationship. You have to be prepared for both in confronting your husband if you want change.

In presenting change it would be similar to enforcing either/or consequences with a child. Either you start getting up two hours earlier to spend time with the children, start helping out around the house by taking the trash out and cleaning up after yourself, attend two counseling session per month with me and spend at least half of your days off with the family or I am leaving (or whatever consequence you see fit).

you need to be specific about the behavior change you want to see from him and you need to be willing to follow thru on whatever consequence you choose. it would be helpful to write it down so it is very clear and cant be challenged at a later date.

think about it. think about what you really want from him and for your life.