[RER1411]

Hello. About a year ago, I cheated on my fiance. For the following months we went over and over and over things. Every week. He decided to stay with me. He decided to still marry me. We went to counseling and the dr just told him that we need to communicate our feelings and that there was clearly something wrong in the relationship that drew me to go outside of it. He in no way defends me but says that my now husband needs to move forward, etc. We stopped going because he said he was tired of hearing the same thing over and over and he felt as if the doctor was trying to justify what I had done to some how excuse it. We have been married for about a month or so now. On our wedding day, he pledged to move forward and to not dwell in the past. This was a new chapter and that we could close all the chapters. Things seemed ok but lately it seems like we are spiralling back through everything all over again. The questions, the hurt, the tears, everything. He is saying things that he wants to do for revenge that are freaking me out. When we get in to these discussions, I ask him why he married me still after all of this and his response is always the same. He says he loves me and does not want to live a life without me. After the conversations pass he holds me and kisses me and promises me forever. Will he ever really be ok? Is our marriage really going to survive?

[Harvestdream]

There is a saying that goes something like:
Someone may not remember the things you said, or been able to see the things you've done, but they will always, always remember how you made them feel.
Speaking from someone who's been in a relationship where the other person cheated (every single relationship up to my current one..yes I know how to pick them) it is very very difficult to just "move on," and even years later, now that I'm with someone else, those things still haunt me.
Communication is the most importnant aspect here, I think. Bringing it up over and over again may be his way of getting it out of his system. Maybe talk to him about things you can do to open up the trust and communication between you two (access to emails, cell phones, etc) to help rebuild that trust and help him feel secure again.
Best of luck to you.

[lexie86]

We all do things we regret, its does not make us mad people. Anything is possible so yeah your marriage may survive or it may not. When people we love hurt us especially our spouse we take it harder than i think we do from anyone else.

I think he is trying really hard, but i think he has it doubts and your relationship is dissolving really fast. I dont think that when someone cheats on you, you just get over it, in fact i dont think we ever get over it, its always in the back of or mind whether they will do it again. And sometimes we continue on with the relationship because we love the person, and where not strong enough to leave, but slowly over time the doubt in our mind and all the other issues they make life realy hard and eventually it gets too much and we leave, or these issues slowly destroy the relationship.

As someone said staying married for love is almost as silly, as marrying for love. You can love someone with all your heart yet not be able to translate that into a happy relationship.

Good luck though and i hope you too work it out!

[beauflow]

As you probably know trust has been broken... is there any way to some how regain that trust?

I do hope you well- Communication, Understanding, Acceptance, Trust - these four things I think are something I think relationships of any sort need in them, even friendships

[lad007]

Well when the doc told him to move on, he wasn't ready to do this, because he is still bringing it up. It may just take time for him to trust you again. You may have to prove yourself trustworthy again through your actions, you could probably get some materials on how to do that.

[Perna]

I think you are forgetting your half of the responsibility; he did not just marry you, you also decided to marry him. If he wasn't letting go and working with the relationship in its current state, you probably should not have married him (yet)?

If someone were constantly discussing my previous behavior, I would find that annoying at a minimum and scary, as you say, otherwise. You are in charge of your behavior; he can decide to forgive and move on or not forgive/move on but you always get to decide what you will do.

Decide what you want, not based on what he does; you have no control whatsoever on his behavior! Tell him you are tired of discussing old behavior (of anyone's!) and if he does not figure out how to shift his attitude to here and now or get help for it, you will leave him and then do that or, you can stay and nothing will change and you will get depressed and more unhappy than you are now.