[careless_realist]

Okay so my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and two months. We've talked a few times about our feelings toward each other and saying/exchanging those three words. He has been in multiple long term (1 1/2+ years) relationships and has told me that during the time he felt like he loved them and told them and I know from snooping that in was deeply in love with his last girlfriend and he still keeps in touch with her and they still exchange "I love you's". I, on the other hand, have anxiety when it comes to long-term relationships and have only been in three short (2 1/2 to 3 months) relationships except my last one which was a year but I always say it shouldn't have happened (I cheated the majority of the relationship as did he and he only made it official between us because I slept with my ex). Anywho, My recent boyfriend and I have said we wouldn't say it until we truly meant it and he told me that he only felt that he was in love with his ex's at that time but now realize it wasn't love (except for the one before me). It's been 6 months since we had our last talk and he has told me and I quote "I do love you"...

I didn't say anything back because I felt that he was just stating something and not truly telling me that he love's me..he didn't say "I love you" he said "I do love you" and this was right after he got into a ruffle with his brother after his brother called him out about not treating me right nor recognizing my true emotions (me saying that something is okay and I'm fine with it when I'm truly not.)....and since he hasn't said in form of those words.

How is it that he found it so easy to tell his past girlfriends those three words but has yet to say them to me?? It's been very little over a year so now I'm starting to worry if he will ever say those words and I told him that I refuse to say them first even if I do feel it (and I do, I always find the words on the tip of my tongue but catch myself and hold back). I also feel that he won't and will never be able to give his heart to me because it still belongs with his last girlfriend. He told me the story behind her and I could just tell that he deeply wishes it were different...that she didn't change, that she were more proud of being with him when they were together, and now that even though she changed he still loves her and hangs around her in hope and if he got back into shape I'm most certain he would try to go after her again....and a few months back I found a text from her saying that if she weren't so far away that she'd booty call him (my guy friends ask me why I'm still with him knowing what I know about him- but I will confess I did cheat with this one guy, twice though the second time I stopped before it got to far because I knew where my heart was) An old friend of mines use to tell me that I have an alter ego that causes these actions to no avail. I did this in the beginning of the relationship during a rough patch when I was founding out so many things that he lied to me about and hid that were hurting me...I don't ever connect the act I committed to a form of revenge to what I knew, but I know it probably was..why else would I?

I guess I'm just asking if I should move on or not? Should I confront him about if he truly wants to be with me and why I consider that he may not? Should I just give him time? Will he eventually be able to tell me?

Note: this is my longest relationship to-date and there are reasons why it has lasted so long-remember every relationship has it's ups and downs and some are never perfect but they work.

[Starvin4Perfection]

Hey Girl,

I am never one to judge anyone's relationship because I don't like people to judge mine. I also don't know the inner-workings of your relationship, just what you said, and yes, there are always ups and downs.

I don't know the situation with his ex and how he feels about her, but he's also not with her anymore, he's with you! There's obviously something about you that is important to him and that he loves or he wouldn't be with you. Saying "I love you" is really difficult for some people because they may not be ready to say it or don't want the commitment or feelings behind it. You yourself talked to him about not saying anything until you both were ready so maybe he's concerned you wouldn't say it back?

In my personal situation, I was with my boyfriend for a year before he finally said "I love you" and I questioned why myself. As our relationship progressed I asked him why it took so long before he told me he loved me even though I knew he did. He said that he knew he loved me, but he didn't want to be in love because 1. He's never been in love before and was scared of getting hurt, 2. It changes the dynamic of the relationship and 3. Because of where he was in life (he'd just become a pilot and the first year is hard; he figured no one would stick through it).

I'm sure you know deep down how he feels about you so the words shouldn't be as important to you as how he treats you. Maybe try to take it one day at a time. Oh, and don't cheat just because you're having problems in the relationship, that's messed up and just break up next time! Anyway, best of luck, I hope you get your questions answered.

[careless_realist]

Heya back!

First off, thanks for not judging. I really appreciate that so much!

Yeah I keep trying to tell myself that but it's hard since I know why he's not with her and all those things could easily be changed. And he has slept with her early on in our relationship (that's one of the things I found out) and I think that's my I cheated, to make myself feel like. He use to take me around her, before I knew exactly what she was to him, in order to make her jealous (I guess that worked.) :/

Your boyfriend has very good points and all I could apply those to my boyfriend. He has expressed to me recently how he feels as if he isn't doing his part as a boyfriend--providing for me like he would like.

We did talk about it and that's what I was thinking, but we both acknowledged that there was love between us. I think I'm just stressing over the fact that he was able to tell all the other girls before me easily before a year into the relationship and he stills tells his ex he loves her but I've never heard him say it to anyone else even his mom! Being the first where he wants to wait to say it is difficult. But I do know, well feel, deep down that he does or something-I just wonder if it's romantic or more like someone you just care about a lot, you know? Oh, and I haven't cheated since then (which is huge for me lol) and a lot more things have happened to the point where I should've broken up with him because how messed up they were, but he's the one always trying to break off the relationship...and I think it's too easy for him like he does it over little things that are really like, "What?!? Really?!? That's your reason?!?!". UGh let me stop I feel like I'm just venting now lol. I felt wrong and bad when I did it the first time and the second time before it got that far, I felt so disgusting to myself that I relapsed into self-mutilation( I was a cutter) and that made me hate myself anymore. As odd as it is while gospel music can be uplifting for most people, when I'm in a dark state of mind it makes me that much worst, like just a reminder of how bad I've failed myself and everyone around me with the things I've done, how much I've failed at life.

I try to take it one day at a time, but some days, even weeks, are hard to get through and we don't see each other often. I try to keep myself busy so I won't think too much. My mood changes depending on the weather..really sucks I have a lot to fight against to stay optimistic.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this but I don't so thanks you again for your feedback and even to those who have took the time to read it. It means a lot just to know someone cared at least that much.