[jitters]

I oftentimes find myself at a loss when I'm confronted with someone else's refusal to apply logic to a situation. I used to be an emotional decision maker and my decisions frequently led to bad places, sometimes they led me into the company of bad people. I learned better and now I do better. So it baffles me whenever someone obstinately refuses to alter the dysfunctional thought patterns that have created one problem after another for them.

Here's my problem: My mother makes emotionally motivated decisions, if it feels good at the moment, she goes with it. If she wants it over and done with, she finds a way to make that happen, damn the consequences. And she *always* wants it over and done with. Yesterday, preferably. I'm more likely to take my time analyzing the situation, consider all possibilities, and methodically work towards a solution. I had to learn how to think this way because I certainly wasn't taught it growing up.

So now she's looking at houses and she wants to hurry up, find one and move in. We're going to be living together, and I'll probably inherit 1/2 the proceeds from the sale of the house someday, and I want to make sure she doesn't jump the gun and buy a money pit. I've tried explaining to her what sorts of problems could arise from an impulsive house purchase, but I only succeed in making her angry and getting "We're just different thinkers who can't understand where the other is coming from" lectures.

Do I have to shut up and let her make another horrible decision (that directly affects me), or is there a different approach I could use to get her to think sensibly about this?

[sanityseeker]

I don't think it is possible to get her to think sensibly about this or much else. You may have learned your way out of emotional decision making but your mum hasn't and more than likely never will.

I do think you might need to reconsider purchasing a house with your mother given this kind of a divide between you. Who you are now, and who your mother is now, how you both individually and collectively make decisions now isn't going to change much. The conflicting 'styles' is not going to change.

It reminds me of the old story..... 'I thought if we got married things would be different.... I thought I could change him..... I thought.....' Well..... we know where 'thought' can take us if we aren't careful.

So ya.... you have to shut up and stiffle and let her do what she is going to do. The question is can you do that? Can you live with the affects on you? Can you do it without causing you harm? or her harm? Can you shut up and accept her ways or is it going to be something you have to stuff and stuff until you explode?

This could well be a wake up call for you to think hard if this plan is actually going to be able to work. However this unfolds I pray nothing comes in the way of your relationship with your mother.

Blessings

[Perna]

It does seem a little crass worrying about the worth of your possible inheritance of a house after your mother dies, when your mother is buying it for herself, now! It is not about you. There is no perfect house, not even a better house than the one she wants to live in. If you want to buy yourself a house and have your mother come live with you, that's different. It sounds like you might be going a bit too far in your "logical" decision making and are no longer enjoying your choices in life? Don't forget that emotions include "Joy" and you don't want to let that one go!

[jitters]

I don't think it is possible to get her to think sensibly about this or much else. You may have learned your way out of emotional decision making but your mum hasn't and more than likely never will.

I think you're right. It's hard to accept, but I need to adjust my expectations. Mom can be more reasonable depending on the day, stressors, alignment of the planets... I just have to hope she's having a good day when it comes time to make a decision.

I do think you might need to reconsider purchasing a house with your mother given this kind of a divide between you.

She's the one buying the house.

This could well be a wake up call for you to think hard if this plan is actually going to be able to work.

It has to work because I don't have any other options.

However this unfolds I pray nothing comes in the way of your relationship with your mother.

Thank you I'm used to tension in our relationship, but I wouldn't want something as materialistic as a house to destroy it.

It does seem a little crass worrying about the worth of your possible inheritance of a house after your mother dies, when your mother is buying it for herself, now!

Yeah, I thought that comment might come across as crass and I'd considered deleting it, but I've realized that perfectionism is a major impetus behind my social anxiety. I need to let others see me in a less than flattering light; I believe it's an important aspect of recovery. But, getting topical once more, my family has a very pragmatic approach to finances that's probably a little unusual in our culture. My mom wouldn't be offended in the slightest if she read my comment about the house and my future inheritance - she would think it's smart long-range planning. It's smart when others do it

The house is technically "ours", by the way. My mom is purchasing a larger house than she needs because her kids are struggling financially and, on a practical level, it benefits her to have others around to do housey things. She's made it clear that the house will belong to all of us.

It sounds like you might be going a bit too far in your "logical" decision making and are no longer enjoying your choices in life? Don't forget that emotions include "Joy" and you don't want to let that one go!

Are choices supposed to be joyful? I think if you make the right ones, joy is the natural outcome. I don't think the process itself is supposed to be fun...I'm not sure about that.

Thank you for sharing your feedback

[sanityseeker]

I hope it all works out for you and your family. She sounds like a very giving and caring mother. Its good you can be there for her. I lived with my mother until she passed. I know my mum appreciated the companionship, some nursing care and help around the house. For me, looking back I am grateful for the time we had together.

[Perna]

It sounds like you are not quite sure you deserve to feel good? Your mother feels good making decisions and you label them negatively as "emotionally-motivated".

I am reminded of my husband's and my discussion of how he sometimes does not understand me or the things I enjoy (fantasy) and labels it "irrational" when it is actually "not rational" and those are not the same! There's a whole other category out there, that is not the opposite of rational (irrational) but is alongside it (kind of like fantasy is alongside "reality" :-)

One's decision making style, whether logical or emotional cannot be "wrong", it's like one's learning style; there's almost as much chance of there being problems with a house if you get a home inspector as there is if you do not. True, they might spot bigger difficulties, like cracked foundations or be able to more easily tell you if the roof needs replacing but the things that can be "wrong" about a house once you move in that you cannot "see" are legion. Accepting that and the work that will come up as a result is probably more comfortable than, as we did, getting an excellent inspector, getting some of the egregious errors fixed or discounted, etc. but finding stuff as we live here that were "surprises". Focusing on problems and problem solving is not necessarily better than focusing on the joy of starting a new experience in a new house and including all the changes one wants to make with those one has to make.

We had the inspector and, almost seven years later, I am still grumbling about how cheap this house is. Where did the joy of living on the water in a "beach condo" feelings go? All the concentration on problems and wrangling with the previous sellers and knowing they were cheap flippers moved my focus from my I-love-this-house, to, those ba@ta^ds! As a person, I would rather be an "Pollyanna" than a complainer? I would rather see more of the good and feel good instead of looking for problems so well (I'm very good at that, understand and espouse your "logical" view myself ;-)