[xadorningxwoundsx]

I've had this problem since before even admitting to anyone i was gay. I see something in a guy that, to me, seems a sign of them being interested. In the past, being too young and trapped in my own fantasy land, its led me to go to crazy lengths to observe them, in hopes of a more personal encounter where i could find out for sure if there was a possibility of them being interested in me. The problem is, with every situation, its always been a classmate or coworker who i wasn't acquainted with and didn't even know whether they were gay or not.
Here's my current situation. There's a guy who works at the gas station right outside my work. I go there gularly to buy coffee and cigarettes, but only recently became acquainted with him. Id seen him before and found him attractive, but never really thought about him otherwise, and had never spoken to him. I went in to buy coffee one day and he asked if i was still working in the main store because he hadn't seen me there in a while. Id never really noticed him around where i worked, so i was caught off guard by the question, especially because he wasn't the cashier ringing me up and we'd literally never spoken before that. I forced the thought out of my mind, but began noticing other things when i went in. I avoided the urge to ever approach him, for anything, unless absolutely necessary(if he was the only one working for example), but he always went out of his way to approach me when i went in. Honestly, it got those wheels turning, it put me back in that state of mind where all i could think about was whether he was really interested or it was just in my head. I don't have the guts to just ask. if i was wrong, how would a straight guy feel about a gay guy asking him out? I actually tried approaching him, and he acted totally different. He was a lot calmer and nonchalant than usual. That's about the point i decided i might consider avoiding his work altogether. I feel like I've lost it again. I know how crazy i sound, i know I'm being a creep. Its like a compulsion. I don't want to be, but its so hard not to think about it. Its ridiculous of me to be so overwhelmed by someone i only know from buying cigarettes. I feel almost like its out of my control. I'll always wonder until i know for sure. How do i deal with this? How do i find out without destroying my work-reputation? Or better yet, how do you get someone out of your head that you know shouldn't be there?

I'm beating myself up enough for being this way, so please don't reply with rude comments or insults. I don't know where else to go with things like this.

[Direction]

I'm not sure I follow why you are beating yourself up...or why you said your being a creep...imagination about potential people fitting into our lives is something I do.

To answer maybe some of the other questions...if a gay man asked me out on a romantic date, I would decline. I am a straight man. It would feel awkward to me, but I would move on. If I felt that person knew I wasn't gay but asked me out anyway I probably feel offended because I wouldn't understand the motives. I'm not gay what is the motive behind asking me out. How does your work reputation enter into this?

[xadorningxwoundsx]

we're both employed by the same company. Rumors would spread, that sort of thing.

[unaluna]

Do you know other gays in your workplace? 1 in 10, right? This sounds like that episode of Friends where Chandler was trying to fix up a coworker with Rachel, but the coworker was gay, and everybody thought Chandler was gay, but they also thought the coworker was out of Chandler's league. It sounds like your coworker is being somewhat friendly. It sounds like you are young and not that well acquainted with that many people at your workplace? Dating coworkers can be awkward; if things end badly, you still have to see each other. Altho that might not necessarily be the case here so much. Just ask him the secret gay password.

hi, adorning wounds. i'm gay. this is a very awkward situation. it sounds like you are not out at work at all. so, coming out to someone at work - someone you also have a crush on - must be very scary. other than this person being friendly, are there any other signs they might be gay, e.g., from how they dress or talk? striking up a conversation to get to know them a little better is an option. asking them what they do for fun or where they hang out after work might give you some insight into their sexual orientation and would not give your orientation away either. honestly, i have had situations were straight men were friendly to me as a trap for me to hit on them. in one instance, the guy thought that just by answering his questions and being friendly in return by making small talk, that i had set my sexual sights on him. i thought i was involved in just friendly, non-sexual chit-chat initiated by someone else.

also, bear in mind that as a salesperson, it is his job to be friendly and get to know repeat customers. does he approach all customers like he does you or are you alone is being approached by him? if his approach is the same to all customers then it appears he is just conducting business as usual.

still, quite frankly, i believe it is usually safest NOT to date people at work. i have been appalled at the evil, untrue rumors that homophobes have spread about me when i was attending college and in the workplace. and, people believed them. it's best to meet love interests in gay establishments where one has friends who can introduce you to potential romantic interests. and, that is what i suggest that you do if you are concerned about your safety and keeping your job. good luck to you!

[xadorningxwoundsx]

I'm totally out at work, and my appearance is a dead giveaway(i wear eye makeup sometimes). He does seem like just a really friendly person, but moreso towards me. He's usually nice to people at his register but i haven't seen him ever approach just a random person in the store. I've kinda forced myself to let the idea go, if he's interested hopefully he'll come to me, but the vivid dreams i have don't help. Its moreso the situation itself that i want to avoid, those ideas getting in my head and me becoming completely enthralled by, essentially, a stranger. I have been diagnosed with bipolar 1, borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, and various delusions. The erotomanic delusions have been the one thing i can't seem to keep under control, and it seems to be the most self-destructive. I'm obsessed with the idea of being in love, and once i find it i do anything and everything in my power to make sure that person never wants to leave me, which in itself pushes most away. I sit and watch all my friends in their perfect relationships and long to have that bond with someone, but it always proves so elusive.