[Ygrec23]

I brought my wife coffee in bed this morning and sat on the side of the bed as she lay there drinking it. I told her about my day Monday and she told me about a very interesting book she's reading by the Dalai Lama on Destructive Emotions.

While she was talking to me, I was looking intently at her face. She took such great pleasure in listening to me and telling me her news. I suddenly was able to equate her pleasure with the pleasure I take in posting and being responded to here on PC. Which for me is distinct and unique, not something I feel IRL.

We've only been married 42 years. And this was the FIRST time I'd realized she really LIKES having me to talk with. It makes her feel good. I had never, ever related to that before. It's never occurred to me. Imagine it never occurring to me!

What's going on? Well, I thought about my family. Particularly my parents. I don't think I ever had a conversation with either of them where either of us took pleasure in really engaging in communication. Is the pleasure that of simply being heard? Of being understood? Of getting "in touch?"

I have previously considered all IRL conversations as painful tasks to be completed and broken off as soon as possible. There was, for me, simply no positive side to human intercommunication. But now I know why people like it as much as they do by comparing it to PC, where we're not in physical proximity to the people we're talking/writing to.

Very strange!

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm so glad you have come to realize this! It may be later in the game, but as they say "better late than never."

I'm really happy for you and your wife. It will be a great boost to your relationship.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

We've only been married 42 years. And this was the FIRST time I'd realized she really LIKES having me to talk with. It makes her feel good. I had never, ever related to that before. It's never occurred to me. Imagine it never occurring to me!

I'm more excited about the opposite; that you enjoyed listening to her, enjoyed having her to bring coffee to and liked the little domestic interlude

[emptybee15]

That's great news! Good for you! Any breakthrough is always good.

[Ygrec23]

I don't know that I got across the real basis of my last post here. I'm pretty high on the schizoid scale, which means I spend most of my time alone in my head. For me, that's quite pleasant and by no means a situation I deplore and complain about. Communicating with others IRL isn't pleasant. Never has been. From the beginning of memory.

Then I got on PC a while back and enjoyed myself. Enjoyed posting and replying to posts and replying to replies of my posts. It feels good. I don't have to see anyone's face or listen to their voice and they're not really near me. That kind of communication is quite pleasurable and it's what keeps me coming back to PC every day.

And then, in the morning, talking with my wife by the bedside, I inferred from her face and tone that she enjoyed talking with me the way I enjoy posting and reading replies on PC. This was a brand-new insight for me. I hadn't ever given any thought to why other people might actually like chatting with someone. And now I had something to compare it to: my PC experience.

Well, despite the fact that I must appear rather negligent as concerns my wife, I do like to make her happy and bring happiness into her day. And this presents a whole, brand-new way of doing so. And since I like to make her happy, this will mean making me happy at the same time. Win-win. Yeah.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

While she was talking to me, I was looking intently at her face. She took such great pleasure in listening to me and telling me her news. I suddenly was able to equate her pleasure with the pleasure I take in posting and being responded to here on PC. Which for me is distinct and unique, not something I feel IRL.

Yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!! This is what I mean when I talk about "connecting".

A pleasant surprise and a wonderful experience for you.

I don't know how you got to this point, but if you're taking pills, I want some!

Well, despite the fact that I must appear rather negligent as concerns my wife, I do like to make her happy and bring happiness into her day. And this presents a whole, brand-new way of doing so. And since I like to make her happy, this will mean making me happy at the same time. Win-win. Yeah.

This is so lovely! I'm really happy!

[unaluna]

No, I get it. i've been sitting here this week, going through boxes of all my stuff, looking at some old photos, and remembering myself saying, "I had fun (being out tonite) - I should do this more often, I don't have enough fun." Of course it never happened, at least not that often. Because it wasn't enough fun, right? BEING around people?

I think open eyes or whoever had it right, when you're raised by a mechanical monkey, not a real mother, you don't know how to relate to the rest of the tribe. I used to have a vignette at my front door - I had made a duct tape sewing dummy, propped up a clock against it, and a small stuffed gorilla. Self portrait of the artist as an infant.

I TOTALLY enjoy my friends more now, since PC - both of them!

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I don't know how you got to this point, but if you're taking pills, I want some!

No pills. No. It's just having a personal experience that I can connect with someone else's obvious feelings.

Until now, I never knew what was meant by taking pleasure in an "exchange," a "chat" or "talk" with someone else. Oh I took pleasure in the company of the girls I fell in love with. But that had very little to do with the normal human pleasure of everyday chat. I've only found out about that here on PC, as I said. Not in a chat room, but just in this kind of exchange of posts.

So I could finally identify and take pleasure in just talking with my wife, which she so obviously took pleasure in too. This may well be one of the reasons I have no friends. I'd suspect that normal people "make friends" with others who take pleasure in their company. It makes you feel good if someone else enjoys being with you.

But I've spent every conversation in my life just itching to be away, to be alone by myself. And I probably never even thought to try to cover that up. Who'd want to be friends with me? Take care.

Cheers to Forty-two yearsand many more to come, Ygrec23! I just love it when a married couple seriously and deeply communicates with each other. Thank you for sharing. Truly uplifting. Human intercommunication is very interesting here and everywhere.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by psychee

Cheers to Forty-two yearsand many more to come, Ygrec23! I just love it when a married couple seriously and deeply communicates with each other. Thank you for sharing. Truly uplifting. Human intercommunication is very interesting here and everywhere.

I hope the reality is as "uplifting" as you picture it! Mrs. Ygrec and I just spent an hour with my T during which Mrs. Ygrec roasted me over a slow but intense fire. All my failings. All my insensitivities. Which, boiled down to the basics, simply meant I spent most of my time living my life instead of helping her with hers.

And then we went out to lunch at a favorite Thai restaurant (at her suggestion and my expense) and everything was okay again. She's a fiery one, a spunky one. She's got to let it out when it's there. But when it's out, then it's done and over. And we're the best of friends. For me that's something hard to comprehend, but at least she's consistent.

So, bottom line, we struggle continuously, and reconcile and love each other continuously. Though she swears that HAD SHE KNOWN what was in front of us, she would never have married me. But today, right now, she loves me (and I have a sneaking suspicion that she always has) and that's good enough for me. Take care!

[Confusedinomicon]

Awww, these are so inspiring!

I have a feeling my boyfriend is kind of like you. I don't think schizoid, but he is pretty aloof when it comes to conversing with other people if it is anything personal. An expert at light banter. I literally talked to him for over a year before I even found out about his family. He's my best friend, but sometimes talking to him is annoying because he not the biggest conversationalist and spends more time listening. (Though! I admit he is quite the charmer...hahhahaha)

Reading your perspective is kind of an eye-opener for me. Since I'm a bit needy and demanding of attention I never wanted to recognize that he has a different communication style...hahaha

Guess it means I need to work on da relationship even more!

[sunrise]

Loved reading your posts, Ygrec. How good to hear too that not only did you get that your wife was taking pleasure from your conversation but that you were too. And that your experience of being on PC played a role...

From what you wrote, I think I like your wife!

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Loved reading your posts, Ygrec. How good to hear too that not only did you get that your wife was taking pleasure from your conversation but that you were too. And that your experience of being on PC played a role... From what you wrote, I think I like your wife!

Thank you, sunrise, I appreciate the compliments. But I'd like to emphasize what PC has done for me, and may well have done for many others without people noticing.

I think PC gives us an opportunity to look at ourselves and what we do (and don't do) that we don't get in real life. So far (at least) real life doesn't give us the ability to review exactly what we've done, said and felt before. That relies on memory, which is very, very faulty (in my experience). Here on PC, we communicate in writing and the writing is preserved, just as we originally wrote it.

This gives us the ability, not even available with a T, to review exactly what we've said to whom under what circumstances. And I'm positive that many if not all of our tendencies to shape current experience using past experience show up here just as much as in therapy. Looked at in the right way, I think everyone's prior posts reveal just as much of their tendencies and problems as reviewing their transference with T. In other words, it promotes a "good" kind of self-consciousness that we can use in a valuable way to try to change what we do into something happier and less self-defeating.

Take care!

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

I hope the reality is as "uplifting" as you picture it! Mrs. Ygrec and I just spent an hour with my T during which Mrs. Ygrec roasted me over a slow but intense fire. All my failings. All my insensitivities. Which, boiled down to the basics, simply meant I spent most of my time living my life instead of helping her with hers.

And then we went out to lunch at a favorite Thai restaurant (at her suggestion and my expense) and everything was okay again. She's a fiery one, a spunky one. She's got to let it out when it's there. But when it's out, then it's done and over. And we're the best of friends. For me that's something hard to comprehend, but at least she's consistent.

So, bottom line, we struggle continuously, and reconcile and love each other continuously. Though she swears that HAD SHE KNOWN what was in front of us, she would never have married me. But today, right now, she loves me (and I have a sneaking suspicion that she always has) and that's good enough for me. Take care!

Hi Ygrec23,
By uplifting, I did not mean a marriage that is all bliss and no difficulties. I find your story uplifting because before just now that you're sharing about going to the T, I had the idea that you two were a couple that puts the effort to make the marriage work.

I view people who marry and commit to understanding, supporting, listening and working on improving how they relate to one another...COURAGEOUS.

All the Best,
Psychee

[lexie86]

42 years and happy still, it the cutest thing i have ever heard.