[sascha]

After reading here now for a few hours through a lot of posts from others, I feel like my “problem” is so little that I don’t want to bother any1 with it, but in a kind of way this is a place where I hope to find some advise or some1 with a different view

anyway, it all started 3 years ago, ive met a women and we both became very close friends. You know what I mean, we could talk about everything, shared everything and we gave each other the feeling of being cared about and accepted for what we are and do. After some time our feelings became stronger and it was love, we was a happy couple that couldn’t be without each other anymore. And then it all started… one day I was with her on the phone, because we couldn’t meet that day, her father wasn’t very well and she needed someone to talk to and talk her worries off. While we was on the phone and she just managed to be a bit cheered up, her mobile was ringing, but she refused to answer it, she said she wanted to stay with me and just wanted to hear my voice. I never thought at that moment and just said to her, ye its ok, if you don’t want to don’t answer, if its something important, then they will call back… we kept on talking a bit but her mobile war ringing over and over again, so she went to answer it. I was still on phone so I could hear her and what I had to hear there changed me and is now following me through the last years. I could hear her starting to scream and cry, so I knew something very bad happened. She just hang up on me and I sat there thinking what It might be then after a few hours, it was middle of night by then, she called me on my phone. She just came home again and told me that the phone call earlier was her sister, she called because there father had an attack and is in very bad condition, but by the time she answered the phone call of her sister and got to her fathers place, he already passed away… and ever since then this sentence of me “if its important, they will call back” is stuck to my head. I should have told her to answer it, she would have been able to give her dad first aid and he might still would be alive, she would been able to see her father alive for a last time… but I didn’t. I feel like I took her chance to say goodbye to him and stopped her from telling him some last words I know she would have loved to say….

A few months later her mum died aswell due to cancer, and she didn’t had the energy anymore to fight to stay alive. she wanted to be with her husband because she missed him and wanted to be together with him again. So she also lost her mum because her dad died.

We both stayed together till one year ago, there her feelings for me changed. she said she doesn’t love me anymore but still want to keep me as a friend. Because I was the best friend she ever had and I was the only-one who helped and supported her on this hard time for her parents. She was scared of loosing me. I knew how sensitive, emotional and down she was, so I agreed on it … maybe of being selfish because is still loved her, maybe because feeling guilty that I might took away her parents but what im sure of is, that I still wanted to be a friend for her, because I owe her so much and wanted to make her life better again and giving her a chance of looking forward and support her on every step. Well. We was friends till half a year ago, there we both betrayed the trust of our friendship and from one day to the other we never had contact again… till 2 weeks ago. Out of nowhere she called me, with tears in her eyes, looking worn out and totally down. I was in shock and of course I straight tried to make her comfort and gave her the chance to talk… cause that’s all she wanted and needed. She told me that in the past 6 months she was with a guy, who first was very good to her, but then he started to be bad to her and mistreated her badly. At the point where she wanted to get away from that guy he started to make her life to hell. He started telling her things like she is ugly, told her that he cheated on her, used private things about her and told others just so she looks bad to others, the guy told her he will ruin her and make her life hell …. I could carry on, but the list is too long. Anyway, since that day we both are in contact again, we talk a lot and slowly she starts to get ok again. Her self-confident is coming back day by day and she can even laugh a bit.

And now my problem where I don’t know myself what to do, I start to realise that I still, yes still love her, she is such a wonderful person with such big heart. She can make me smile with just saying hi to me and I feel sad whenever I cant talk to her. I miss her when we didn’t talked for a bit.
I owe her to help her and make her better again due to what happened when her father died.
I don’t want to be near her because she told me some things that happened when she was with that other guy that is breaking my heart and hurts.
I don’t want that we hurt each other again like we did before.
I like/still love her and don’t want to loose her again, the past half year was a mess for us both being without each other.

What shall I do? I want to see her happy again and make her feel good. I want to get away from her because I don’t know if I can take much more of her about what happened without judging her. I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to loose her again…

[Perna]

Originally Posted by sascha

and ever since then this sentence of me “if its important, they will call back” is stuck to my head. I should have told her to answer it, she would have been able to give her dad first aid and he might still would be alive, she would been able to see her father alive for a last time… but I didn’t. I feel like I took her chance to say goodbye to him and stopped her from telling him some last words I know she would have loved to say….

So she also lost her mum because her dad died.

that I still wanted to be a friend for her, because I owe her so much

And now my problem where I don’t know myself what to do, I start to realise that I still, yes still love her,

Her father's life/death was not dependent on whether she answered the phone or not! Her sister calling her over and over instead of acting on their father's behalf could just as easily be "blamed" if you want to waste time blaming; you are not God to know what would have/could have/did not happen anymore than you can see into the future.

You do not owe another person, other than perhaps your child, anything. Your #1, sole job is to be the best You you can be and that's a full-time job. You cannot be a friend to another with the mindset that you are a friend because you owe them something; the other person does not want or need that! They want/need You, not your misguided idea of how you can make things feel right for yourself. Deciding you owe another is actually selfish; we are our own persons, I am in charge of who I believe owes me, what, not the other person! Has your friend said you owe her and should work to pay what you owe? Of course not!

And since when is love a "problem"?

It sounds like most of your problem is with you and your thoughts and feelings; only you can adjust them. I would maybe find a therapist to talk to and discuss your wanting to judge another for their behavior when not with you. What she did/did not do/experience with her boyfriend are not something you can know anything about, despite her telling you about them; you were not there and do not have but her half of the story. You are reacting to things in other people's lives too much from your own self and you are not "there", it is not your experience.

Your experience says, "if you don't answer the phone and the person on the other end wants to get in touch, they will call again" and that is wonderful, very true (in my experience) experience! Your experience is that the two of you enjoy talking, would rather talk than talk to others on the phone; a very wonderful experience! (Been there, done that).

Neither of you knew who was on the phone or that there was a problem but if you could have, would you have taken that last loving five minutes talking with you from your loved one in order to deal with the difficulty and sadness of her father dying, five minutes earlier? Her father died. Her father had to die; he could not live forever and you cannot determine if he would have died when he did if she had answered the phone sooner or not (because it did not happen that way!)

People mention the problems with "worry", worry being about things that have not happened, contemplation of the future and others are known for living in the past (where you appear stuck trying to reorder what did in fact happen with your version of would have/should have/could have) and that only shows how important it is to live in the present only. That's all we have, our own present.

[sascha]

Thank you Perna,
after reading your answer it took me a bit to understand how your point of view. Your last part is the part hat kinda hit me... I never even thought about it in that way, but you are so right with that, because i formyself live alot in the past. Alot of times i catched myself already thinking and being stuck in the past. But what has it brought myself? Not much at all, ofcourse... some nice and bad memories, some feelings that cheer up but also some bad/sad once that slow me down and stop me from enjoying and living the present.

Now, even with only them few words from you, i know where i have to work on for myself. I want to enjoy the life again and want to live the life like it comes with everything it has for me.

Thank you alot, i appriciate your words.