[wanda3]

Let me just first apologize for the length... I hope you will read and offer some advice because I am lost.
My husband and I started dating in March of this year...we are both in our 40's...and we knew each other in highschool. We immediately felt a connection and fell in love. Within a 3months he asked me to marry him, I said yes...we were so happy. Always together, very physical and communicated our love for each other constantly...talked excitedly about our future together and he wrote me sweet love songs and sent me love songs in emails. It was pretty close to perfect!! So, on his suggestion we decided not to wait to get married and we got married 2 months later. The week of the wedding he confided to me that he had suffered from anxiety and depression and had thoughts of suicide which put him in a mental hospital for a few weeks in Jan...he said it was situational depression caused by his terrible previous marriage and guilt over not staying for his children. He was taking medication but felt he didn't need them any more so he was started on being weened off them by his doctor that week.
We didn't move in together right away because we both had leases on homes and we wanted to buy a house together. We didn't want move 3 times in one year. Anyway, I noticed that gradually he became less talkative and sullen..then one day he snapped at me over something ridiculous which turned into a huge fight...he started never wanting to come to my house....I had to come to him. Never wanted to go out and do anything either. He became impossible to communicate with...very slow responses and would never look right at me. He had sleep issues too. Falling asleep suddenly, or waking up at odd hours and not being able to go back to sleep. He was also very negative and would make things seem worse than what they really were. Simple things I would say seemed to have a devastatingly negative effect on him. He wasn't like that every minute tho or every day....it would go in spurts, 4 days at a time he acted that way maybe. We would talk and things would be ok. The rest of the time he was always telling me he loved me, he needed me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...very very loving. Anyway, His house sold...so he had to move in with me in Nov. I noticed he was very anxious and seemed withdrawn more right before and in the first week he moved in. Then he started sleeping a lot...crying and just looked awful...we finally realized he was depressed...slowly developing over the months..and he was hitting bottom. So he moved out and I was devastated and sad. I love this man with all my heart and want a life with him. It was hard, but he felt it would help him and so did I. We were going to work through it. he loved me more than life and we could get through this. he would get back on his meds (realizing this was severe depression, not situational) and we would give it time. We continued as we had before..just not living together. Still loving and sweet, he just seemed down most of the time and tired. He came to stay the night a few weeks later and it was wonderful...we had a great night and I felt closer to him than ever, he said the same thing....said he never loved me more than now. The next day..he was so cold, no emotions really. Then the next day, he called and told me his heart just wasn't in it. WHAT? He had never expressed that at any moment. He said he doesn't understand why but he just doesn't feel that he loves me anymore. I am crushed. I don't know what to do. He doesn't call or contact me. He has respionded to my texts and calls, but very brief and unemotional. he says he wants to be alone and he doesn't miss me..so he says he must not love me. Is this the depression talking?? The meds (ssri's)??? Or did he really just lose his love for me overnight??? If its the depression...will he realize he loves me when the medication helps him to feel better?? I am so lost... We are married..do I walk away?? Any response appreciated...

[IceCreamKid]

I think your husband may have more than situational depression but I'm no doctor. Either way, if you are legally married you may have financial responsibilities between the two of you so you need to have a discussion between the two of you, so that you understand what the future might be like if you stay married. I do sympathize, but I urge you to find out the facts, too.

[unaluna]

See a lawyer asap. I hope you haven't commingled funds. Where is he living now, if he sold his house? We need to remember, if things seem too good to be true, they usually are - that's what Dr Phil says, anyway, about romances like this. Please be careful.

[roads]

Ditto IceCreamKid & hankster.

You need to see a lawyer ASAP & I'd seek out a therapist too. Depending on how this shakes out, I think you'll be needing both. I am so sorry you're going through this, but if this is his depression causing all this then you're bound to suffer as much as he. Depression is like a giant vacuum, sucking the depressed person & everyone emotionally close to them into its vortex unless you have the tools for surviving.

You seem to know you didn't cause this. Don't ever forget that. Come back here & post whenever, for as long as you need. We've been there.

[elliemay]

It's always easy to play armchair quarterback in these kinds of situations. Bottom line is, you are where you are and I very sorry for you.

IF your husband's depression remits, the question is "can you forgive what he has said and done during this phase?"

There are some things that, once said can never be unsaid. There are some things that once done, can never be undone.

No matter what happens afterwards.

Your husband may be horribly depressed but that is not a reason or an excuse to spew it all over you as he appears to have done.

You can be understanding, supportive, and hopeful for him, but this is his ballgame so to speak. You get to decide how you will respond.

I agree with the others that, right now, you need to seek legal counsel sooner rather than later.

That doesn't mean things aren't going to work out, or whatever, but you need to protect yourself from further insult.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by wanda3

we finally realized he was depressed...slowly developing over the months..and he was hitting bottom. So he moved out

The one doesn't follow the other, his going back to the doctor and getting help for his depression does.

Do you know if he is getting help? If he does not want to be with you, it doesn't really matter why, there isn't anything you can do with someone else's wishes. You need to get on with your own life, maybe wait a bit to file for divorce if you want to see if his situation and outlook changes but I would put as much of my own energy into helping myself, after this shock, maybe seeing a therapist myself for awhile to help deal with the anger and grief and come up with a plan for your own life and protecting your health and finances.

I don't know how much you know about his life; his work situation and people, his ex-wife or other relatives, his doctors, etc. but with him effectively saying he does not want you, you are not in a position to be able to help him very much, if at all, even behind the scenes.