[beauflow]

i have dropped my parents and two brothers. i only talk to one brother and my two sisters once in a blue moon. i sadly talk with my brother more than my sisters. my brother needs help.

After he called me one day last April (i believe) and he cried in anger about life; he agreed he needed help with his bipolar and anger issues.

After i looked for myself and found the county i gave him the info. i had already asked them about ppl with no work and if they could get help and yes they can.

i told him he'd have to go in for intake and start. i kept getting excuses of his files aren't there or they wont help him. i don't know what he was talking about - think the files from when he was in prison a while back ago.

now comes the holidays again and i have been distant due to i've had a lot going on and he can be toxic with talk and thinking and i can have bad problems shacking off the things he says. but i love him. i wish he'd get help.

i stopped giving him money due to he kept using it for drink or drugs or pee test covers. and plus i seriously can't afford to give it this past few months. but any ways he has disappeared again.

Last time that i was aware that he had been missing (we did not talk for about a year) I had found that for 6 months he had been in jail. I of course went and saw him.. I saw him ever week, due to after talking to him, I found that none of his "friends" had went to go see him

On top of all that- his friends that I contacted, one group knew he was in jail, had his items from the apartment, and seriously just lied to me and said they had no clue (I learned that later from my brother when he got out- he mentioned that they had his stuff in storage like his pipes, and a file cabinet and so on-- also that this one friend that hangs with this group, was there the night he got arrested and knew the whole story) I was furious and I know not to tell my brother to hang out with but i did tell him that they claimed to know nothing, and that basically that the one dude also knew nothing just you were not around.

I was so mad, and I get so mad at him-- He has one set of friends to whom I stay in contact with once in a while, that I think are good influences. they are like my boyfriend for me ie. they have been through the drug life, cleaned up, have full time jobs, and a family and the wife is going to school while being a mom as well- she is almost finished. They always have and will invite him to their family get togethers for they know our history with our family and sadly know our mother as well...

I get so mad cuz my brother pushes off the good friends and continues to hang out with the drug addicts and the liars... I am so tired of it.

And now he has gone missing agian. the phone is turned off- sadly the friends that were keeping the phone on, were the ones i don't care for but have contact info for- I have inquired via email (FB Sadly) to them if they know where my Brother is and to just let him know I would like to see him.
And don't get me wrong- his guy friend of this group is cool to keep a phone on for him for about two years-- but i still don't like that they lied about the whole they did not know... and I really don't like his wife now after getting to know her./.

He is 7 years older than me- he is 31 almost 32, he has been to prison, and he has been in jail for length amounts of times. I love him, I see his good sides, I have lived with his bad sides for 2 years as we both were addicts and lived together. I have gotten so much abuse from him, but yet I can see so much potential in him

He is a wound of mine that I can not seem to heal--- My boyfriend even has says - Don't drop your brother; and I don't want to== BUT my boyfriend also says to keep my distant, which I have been very good with this last year- not gettin involved with his drama, and trying not to let him bring my mood down when he is in the same spot as I am...

I just get so mad- i get so upset with this- i get sad.

Yeah I don't want to lose this brother, I see his smart carring and greatness, I see his evil, vindictive and hatefulness as well and destruction too...

I wish he would get help to help himself,, even if he had to leave and just send me a post card ever few years to say I am still ok, I am alive and I am doing fine.. but that will never happen- that is too much to expect.

And don't get me wrong- I do understand where he is coming from (*Thus the reason I have trouble at times shaking off his toxic energy at times).... I feel for him

And yes T and I have talked about my brother-- she says I need to work on me now days more so, and that if he wont get help he just wont

And trust me I learned that lesson (Or so I thought) when I left him in '08 saying bye to him and the drug life and done with the verbal abuse and so on with him.. I learned that you can't help some one unless they want to help themselves-- I tried to so hard (even though I messed up too) to at least show him that life is not all about our past-- that there is some goood. At one time this last year he told me he remembered a lot of good times with me and talks, and missed them some days.... I am glad he said that but it also is like a knife turning due to he has always had issues bonding and our fallout in 08 and me being distant could lead to his sadness and I am soo sorry for that-- but he needs to help himself-

I refuse to see him doped up any more, I think he got the hint not to come to me when he is drunk, and I am just so tired of seeing his self destructive ways.

I wish i could just go an hug him, take away his pain with everything. FInd a way to give him strength to try a better life....

I always kept thinking he would get tired of the chaos- and I too have said that of what my boyfriend told me-- why do you put yourself through this chaos to my brother when he talks about drug use and stuff.... He wont listen, I think a part of him "can't".. as sad as that may sound and I hate to say.

I just cant do this any more- I feel like crap that I am trying to get help and going to try a med (for a few reasons) but one is that he really needs this, and he could so benefit from it--- and here I am always not as bad as him, getting help.....

I tired to help him with information this time around, and I can't hold his hand and take him-- he knows where these places are, he has the information, he says he has went in and so on (and got told some crap- one of the excuses i see and listed above)....

I just don't understand

And I am sad to say-- if I find from a month from now, he is back in the pen; I can't do every week, i may not be able to do every month. I love him but I just can't do it any more.

I wish him the best. I wanted to give him some gifts. I made him a bear and i found a chess set that is wooden and has all the pieces and is nice at the flea market for like 6 bucks-- i know he would appreciate it--

He is so smart why can't he see and change-- I think many of us may ask that with people that we see so much of ourselves in as well-- i can admit that-- My brother and I are a like in many ways- thus one reason we get along, but this not to try any more in the sense for one self-- i can't understand

Sorry for babbling; thanks for letting me post--

Not sure what I am looking for- I know the answer sadly-- and I just am having issues dealing with it.

[Aslan]

unconditional love. all u can do.

[beauflow]

Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. It has also been used in religious context to describe God's love for humankind.

I can not love his actions of destroying himself though and expecting to be picked up every time he has destroyed himself. I can love him for the good that he does for himself and others- but I can't for the destruction- I am sorry. I yet only human.

[shezbut]

(((Beauflow)))

I understand where you're coming from very well. It sounds as though you have a pattern of jumping in to rescue your brother, because no one else does it and you care too much to see him in pain or jail.

It is hard to see the same negative patterns repeated over and over.

My sister is very similar, except she has anti-social personality disorder. My family wrote her off years ago (which I despise). Very difficult for me to accept. Since I got back in contact with her, I wrote the rest of my family off.

Anyway ~ I have had to hold myself back a bit with my sister. Because I have a history of giving all of myself to her, in hopes of helping her turn her life around. I can still talk with her, but certainly not weekly. More like every couple of months. I suppose that I'm lucky in that I'm disabled and don't have much money at all. So, my sister knows that I can't help her financially. That helps. I can't ever see myself giving up on her though.

Try to put up some boundaries to protect your own emotional health. It isn't easy to do, but you need to do it for yourself.

I wish you the very best!

Your honesty and self-awareness is truly refreshing. Agree with Shezbut that you must put up some boundaries, to save yourself from giving too much of yourself away to him. And only you know what those boundaries might be. It might be helpful to make a list of your "limits"-what you will absolutely not do anymore for him-and then you don't have to weigh the decision each time you are faced with it. Unconditional love does not been accepting all of his behaviors. I think there are times when he has to face the music alone. Prison is a lonely place and I applaud you for sticking by him there; I know I would be doing exactly the same thing with a sibling of mine, whatever the cost. Be brave, be firm, find the right kind of love for your brother that will not drain you. Wishing you well with him.

[beauflow]

Thank you Shezbut and Gulas--
Shezbut

I have tried Boundaries this last years with him-- but I still get wrapped up with emotions with him, it is hard. I am hoping in time this gets better and that with what ever comes that i keep my boundries.

Luckily my boyfriend is one helpful factor in that- No one is allowed to stay with us, he wont allowed and could not handle it - (He has high anxiety with people so no good).

See I have had a lot going on this month (well few months) with me which adds to this all-- he asked if he could see me like 2 or 3 weeks ago-(sign of things going down hill again) I just texted him asking him how he was doing and sorry I had been sleeping a lot which I had been, I could not see him- I am sorry--- then all of the sudden when i am ready to see him, his phone is off-- which worries me.. But to be honest I need to let some of this go--

I have done what I can right now with contacting what little people I know may know where he is, and emailing him to his email accounts.

Thank you all-- I don't understand why logically I can play this out, but emotions have such a hold on me with him even though I can swing from that as well with him

I think it is a good idea to make a list like suggested



be well all-- hopefully in a few days he will pop up again or I will get a note from someone saying they have seen him--- He does this from time to time just disappearing - If a month or two goes by I will be going for a drive to see if he is there.