[LazyLogophile]

At 24 I found myself in a very dark place. Shortly after the new year my five-year engagement finally broke down when my 19 year old friend moved in with me and my ex, and they became attracted to each other. I moved in with my parents briefly until I could find an affordable apartment, and then I started dating immediately. Crushed by the guilt of not being able to make my former relationship workout, despite giving up so many of my hopes and dreams, I turned to sex to cope. I felt like I had lost my youth. I called male friends of mine with whom I had lost contact because my ex wouldn't allow me to spend time with them, and one of them I started casually dating. I started an online profile with a dating website and found a few interesting people spend time with. Any time spent alone was a time for drinking away my sorrows and insecurities. It was during that period that I met my current boyfriend, and got pregnant only a few months into our "exclusive" relationship. I was 25.

We debated on whether or not we could make things work. We met at a free clinic to get an ultrasound and confirm that I was, indeed roughly two months pregnant. Despite the circumstances and my overwhelming doubts about having a child with this person, when I saw my baby's heartbeat for the first time...I fell in love. My only goal then became to overcome whatever barriers would keep me from meeting the person who was growing inside of me. I didn't care that I wasn't married, or that my boyfriend was the biggest flake I had ever met, I was determined to make him the father my baby deserved, and to become the mother I knew I could be.

After weeks of tolerating my boyfriend's obvious avoidance of responsibility, we finally went to an abortion clinic together and it was there that we both decided to take our chances with our new relationship and raise a baby together. Things were pretty good between us after that, other than my lingering doubts about his commitment, and my constant worries about what kind of mother I would and could be. Months passed as we moved in together and started slowly preparing for the baby. I fought with my mother constantly, who adamantly swore that my boyfriend would never stand by me and that I was doomed to be a single mother, struggling to get by. I wouldn't hear it. My mother and I had a screaming match after Thanksgiving dinner because my boyfriend was out of town, thereby proving to her that he was not fit to be a father and not good enough for me. After an entire lifetime of hearing her negative remarks ("you'll never finish that", "you can't do it", "it will never work out", etc) I had finally had enough of her projecting her self doubt onto me, and I stood by my decision to have my baby, and to make my boyfriend be a good father at all cost. I had faith that he would fall in love, as I had already done, once the baby was born.

For Christmas that year we went out of state to see his family. I would have liked to say that my mother's words didn't impact my judgment, or cause further insecurities, but they did. Meeting his family was humbling and humiliating. I knew what they were thinking. I was a college dropout, pregnant and unmarried, and not the prettiest girl that my boyfriend had ever been with. His ex girlfriend looked like a model: tall, slender, good bone structure, and living a glamorous life in LA as a portrait artist. Indeed, if I hadn't met his ex in person I would hate her, but she was one of the kindest and most sincere people I had ever talked to, and I conceded that if circumstances were different, her and I would have been best friends. I tried to hold my head up high as I watched my boyfriend's youngest sister graduate from college at the age of 20. She had a graduation party with her girlfriends, one that I was forced to attend, and because I was pregnant, forced to listen to through the door of the room I was trying to sleep in. I was tired, cranky, hormonal, and (obviously) not able to stay up late drinking with the rest of the crowd. To my dismay, my boyfriend chose to stay up and drink to mingle with the barely legal crowd and come to bed smelling like beer.

The vacation only got better from there. We took our bags and car to another area where his step father lived. When we arrived, the house was full of people and the drinks were flowing. As I struggled to carry my bags, with swollen feet and a bloated belly, I caught sight of the most beautiful girl in the room. Her hair was curly in the most adorable way. Her lips were full and her teeth straight and pearly white. Her eyes were a translucent hazel color that could be seen from across the room. She was young, and tall, with curvaceous hips and a tiny waist. She didn't even notice me, the dumpy pregnant girl that hadn't showered in days due to cross country traveling. As my boyfriend and I left the house to pick up the last of our bags, he told me something that hurt so badly that I still wake up thinking about it. "That girl in there...I slept with her". I was devastated. How was I ever going to compete with these gorgeous girls that he somehow managed to sleep with? How many other supermodels had he previous penetrated, and how could he have possibly wanted to date an ugly, stupid girl like me when he could obviously sleep with anyone he wanted to? I was so hormonal, and tired, and sad, that I exploded right there in the driveway. How could he sleep with her! How dare he tell me about it! What was he think?! Didn't he know how that made me feel? Didn't he realize how horrible I already felt being unmarried, pregnant, fat (every pregnant woman feels fat), and a recent college dropout? I was so angry at him, and so intimidated by this beautiful girl who was currently frolicking merrily about the house on her young, tiny legs, that I left to see my family shortly that conversation.

Now, two years later, I still find myself thinking about that girl. I sometimes imagine the two of them having sex. It doesn't help that she is the best friend of my boyfriend's youngest sister, and that I have had to see many pictures of her and hear her name over and over again. Shortly after giving birth to my son, and being unable to lose 20 of the 35 pounds I gained during pregnancy, my boyfriend's youngest sister thought it would be a good idea to reminisce about their family vacation on a houseboat that took place about two years before my boyfriend and I started dating. It turns out, that is where my boyfriend and this girl hooked up. Of all the videos she could have chosen to put on for everyone to watch and "remember the good times", she put on a video of my boyfriend and this girl flirting very overtly. She was drunk and giggly, running around in a skimpy bikini that would have revealed nipples if she sneezed wrong, and he was handing her another drink. Wonderful.

Since then, my boyfriend and I have had several discussions about the whole incident. I have drunkenly (after I finished breastfeeding) inquired about whether or not she was better in bed, and admitted to him that I don't feel like I'm pretty enough for him. His response is always the same: that before I knew about his past I was confident in my looks and personality and did not feel inferior, so I shouldn't feel that way now. He says that, although I may not be on the cover or a magazine or fit nicely into the narrowly defined standard of beauty, he thinks I'm very attractive and wishes that I didn't have such low self esteem...and he is right. All of that is very reasonable, and I am making a big deal out of nothing.

And yet, I still think about the two of them having sex. I don't really know why, but I have this big issue with it. I feel like she is the physical manifestation of everything I have always wanted to be, but never could. I know that I shouldn't feel the need to compete, because we are different people with different strengths and qualities that make us attractive, but I can't shake the feeling that she is, in every way, better than me.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar to this? Any advice for coping? I am working out and trying to eat smaller, healthier meals. I am trying to back in touch with my artistic skills and things I used to do for enjoyment (like dancing, singing, and socializing), but I feel like I'm just running on a proverbial mouse wheel - attempting to better myself but going nowhere.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I felt like the back story was necessary to really describe how I feel and why. I know there is no one who can give me a "solution", but it would be nice if someone out there could give me some comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who struggles with these feelings, and maybe give me some insight on how you are overcoming them.

Thanks for reading.

[Perna]

I find in my life that it is often easier to focus on someone else, some perceived "perfect" person or situation (what I "should" have done or said) instead of just keeping my mind on my own life and what I am doing right now. I am often so focused on my anxieties that I do not leave enough energy and attention for my actual problems (anxieties are always about the "future" or the perceived past (not the "actual" past but how we imagined it to have been).

You know how eating healthy and losing weight is hard work, and takes time and effort as does your artistic work? Concentrating on ourselves and only ourselves and solving our literal problems takes that kind of focus and determination and hard work too!

What happened or may have happened in the past or what you think happened and how it was is in the past and is a fantasy! You now have the task of providing for yourself and your new child; you cannot make your boyfriend be any sort of person, good or bad father, mate, whatever, that is his job totally. Dancing, singing, and socializing are not that high on the totem pole, you need to figure out how to make a living and support yourself and child or work with you boyfriend toward marriage and other legal support for you and your child, etc. If he is not, himself, working to be a husband to you and father toward his son, then you need to figure out another plan for your life; dancing, singing, and socializing is what the grasshopper did while the ants worked to prepare for winter! Work toward becoming an ant, not a grasshopper.

http://www.dltk-teach.com/fables/grasshopper/mstory.htm

[Irreplaceable]

Lazy, first and foremost, YOU NEED TO BE A WRITER....Really...Your word play and the way that you describe things...The way that you described the women, etc etc...You're a very good writer....Very descriptive...I know that came from out of no where, but you have a talent girl!

Now on to your post...In a certain sense, I can relate to what you are saying...I'm confident in how I look, but I don't like seeing women in public or anywhere for that matter that I know slept with my SO...We've been out a few times before and he has done the same as your SO...Pointing out a girl that he slept with...And I will admit, it stings like hell sometimes...Even though I reassure myself by saying, "You are being ridiculous. She was BEFORE you...He didn't even know you then...It's not like he was cheating on you"...And then I immediately go into evaluation mode...Evaluate everything about her...And again, although I am an upgrade for him (heehee) it still stings a bit...I have confidence now, but it had to take me a long time to get to where I am...

You were comparing yourself to other women...While you were pregnant...Again, I was the same way...Here I am, accustomed to being teeny tiny, and now I blew up...And sometimes comparing myself to other women...At times...I think that's natural...And I also think you need to stop being hard on yourself...The girl you are referring to, she is the past...You have him, she doesn't...Stop comparing yourself to her and others....You can only be you...

Work on your self esteem...Get yourself to where you want to be physically...Don't you know that those women that you are comparing yourself to, they are probably picking at their flaws, just as yourself.....

I used to get in the habit of comparing myself to other women...But I had to make myself stop...I am not them, and they aren't me...Again, confidence is something I had to work on...Instead of looking at what I don't have compared to other women, I look at what I DO have...

[lido78]

Another vote for the "you need to be a writer" comment above. Based on how well you write and how aware you are of your own issues, I'd probably say you may may just be a bit too smart for your own good. Unforunately, this means you probably think way too much about stuff and tend to turn positive situations into negative ones with all the logic needed to convince yourself that you're justified and correct. Beauty really is subjective....for example, I love exotic looking men...dark hair, dark eyes, interesting features (I much prefer a big nose to something cute and feminine). I think this is because I like what is opposite to what I grew up with. As contrast, my boyfriend (who is foreign and exotic), loves the girl-next-door look that many American or N. European women have...the women from his country that I find so amazingly beautiful leave him cold....so, believe your boyfriend when he tells you that he's attracted to you...because self-confidence will only make you more appealing in his eyes. I remember losing weight once thinking it would make me more attractive to a man I was dating....I was crushed (but kind of relieved) when he told me he preferred me the other way. I said something like, "that's so strange that you prefer me fat." He replied with something like "Must be a messed up world when a guy is considered strange if he actually prefers a woman to have curves and look like a woman."

YES!! I agree that you need to do some more writing. I thought that instantly when I first started reading your post. I so wish I could be able to write like that......capturing the audience attention. You are now of age to NOT have to declare your parents income on financial aid forms, and you have a child..........point: you could get some nice grants to pay for some college courses. Free money for college..........it's time to go back to school!! I'm gonna be 30 in Feb., I'm going back just now. I've dropped out of college in the past for so many dumb reasons.....one of them being because of a BOY. Anyway, what brought my attention to your post in the first place was the subject of you reliving your boyfriend's past. I have been doing the very same thing for almost 2 years. Thankfully, I have not had a child with him. He has 4 kids, and 1 isn't even biologically his. He was married........well legally still is. I feel so inferior to his wife because she is pretty, and he actually once upon a time was so devoted to her that he vowed they would be together forever......hence the marriage. He's admitted to me although he doesn't remember, "he loved this girl sooo much" I've recently read some emails he wrote her last year while he was with me, explaining that he loved her more than anything in the world. To this day, he hasn't told me he loves me. I've settled for, "I care about you." Even though they fought a lot, I still feel like he valued her more than he values me........I'm just the 'drug' that helped ease the pain over losing her. He even once asked if I would dye my hair black.........guess who has black hair? I also feel like I'm not good enough because I don't take on the responsibility of all his kids. He had 2 kids from a previous relationship when he met his wife, and in his words, " she took over the mother role right away.." I just can't do that. He has 2 mothers to deal with, 3 of his own kids, and the 4 yr. old is the kid of the man his wife cheated on him with. I feel like he shows how much he loves his wife through how devoted he is to that child. That probably seems like an immature thought for me to have............but all these perceptions I have are my insecurities. I also think about them doing it, and wonder why the heck my mind brings me to these places. I think about the kids cuddled up on the couch with him and her...........it hurts me a lot because he had those lovely experiences with her, not me. And now after all I've learned about their relationship, I feel so resentful, and simply can't deal with his children. I know they'd pick up on it, and would probably feel like I don't like them. We also fight a lot, and I just don't want to put kids in that environment. Plus, I have to admit that deep down, sometimes I don't feel like we'll stay together much longer so why get to know the kids............
Anyway, I think your boyfriend is being a little insensitive when it comes to exposing you to those past events. Would he like it if you pointed out who you've slept with, and had to be in the presence of the guy? Probably not. It doesn't help that your mother is critical. My guess is that she was like that while you were growing up which didn't help your self esteem. My mom is the same way.
Anyway, you are lucky in my eyes that you at least have a child of your own. Even though I'm not a mom, I can sorta kinda understand how special it is.
Go back to school!! It will help increase your own feelings of self worth. It's unfortunate that we have people in our lives who can sometimes treat us like we aren't worth much, but in the true reality of everything.......we are of so much value and have so much purpose here, otherwise we wouldn't be on this earth.....we wouldn't exist. Feel better about yourself, I'm sure you have a better warmer smile than miss skinny legs.

[beauflow]