[blkchr91]

Ever since my best friend died 8 yrs ago, I have been noticing the below more and more. I don't know if it is just a normal part of growing older, times changing, or my eyes being opened.

I think it is result of my eyes being opened.

Seems like your "friendship" is over once you are useless.

I have met many a "friend" over the past few years since I moved to this area. (Wondering if this is just a regional thing in Northern/Central Virginia.

You are a "friend" if you watch their kids for free. The second you stop, you are no longer a "friend" if you don't.

You are a "friend" if you buy stuff from their friends and no longer a "friend" if you don't.

I am pretty cold to the whole friendship thing at this point but it still makes me wonder.

I can't help but wonder why friendships are not like you are raised to believe them to be.

Never had a problem with anyone in High School and had a few good "friends" there too. The only reason we stopped talking is because their parents moved. God forbid you reach back and try to contact an old high school friend on Facebook though. See if they don't suddenly develop with their internet connection.

Amazing...felt good to get this off my chest!

That's a good point. I have noticed that, as we get older, it's more difficult to make real friends. It could be a product of our society. Independence and autonomy are becoming increasingly more prominent in western culture. In a local grocery store, for example, customers rarely talk to each other aside from asking each other to move so they can get to the box of cereal or liquor. Stand in the line, and you'll see people with their heads bent over their cell phone instead of making light conversation with the people in line. As we get older, people seem to be more focused on immediate family and the occasional old friend. The value of new friendships has declined.

We still have social groups for people with a common interest to come together... such as book clubs or BDSM bars. But even then, I wonder if social groups have declined in the past years. I wonder if more people are turning to the internet to talk about their interests than going out and meeting people. We should do a survey...

[madisgram]

yes they do exist! i'd recommend learning how to set boundaries with people. it takes practice but i say 'i'm no human doormat.' neither are you. if ppl hear you don't say 'no, that's not possible for me today' eventually they'll move on to another such person. another thought...perhaps you're choosing the wrong 'friends'. a healthy friendship is give and take like any other relationship.
i'm originally from VA and there are some very decent ppl there like anywhere else. hopefully my reply will assist you to find real friends. so sorry you're having a rough time of it but if you learn to say 'no' i hope your situation improves and you'll have true friends.
here's a great article you may find helpful re boundary setting- http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/10-...er-boundaries/

[roads]

If you can find people to get to know in a context where "exchange" isn't in things with a $ value--like kid-watching etc--then I think it's easier to form relationships of real value. Finding these situations aren't the easiest. Book clubs are great, but these are shrinking in my area.

Real friends can still be found, though, at any age if you work hard enough. My best friend died 10 yrs ago, but I do now have another found in a dream work group. Worth the work, believe me!

[blkchr91]

Thanks for responding. Something in your post hit the nail on the head. I highlighted it below. I thought that people were willfully trying to be annoying by doing this. I almost forgot about that. How annoying it is when it seems like no matter where you are, someone just happens to need a can of beans right there. Anyways that is a different matter.

Yes even the social scene has changed. I own a performance car from 20 years ago the same one me and my present pals (yes I do have 2 long distant pals who are brothers). When I talk about the car they can't relate to it, are jealous of it, or simply don't really know much about it even though it is in great shape and we all drove cars much like it 20 years ago. They are all talking about new speedy automobiles even though that platform is the same or better stuff. Another side issue. Wow this thread is opening up some doors.

Even within an enthusiast forum, everyone seems to keep their distance until you earn your keep. I know that in this place we are down in the trenches right away for better or worse, good and ugly like a real family!

Originally Posted by Michael the Great

That's a good point. I have noticed that, as we get older, it's more difficult to make real friends. It could be a product of our society. Independence and autonomy are becoming increasingly more prominent in western culture. In a local grocery store, for example, customers rarely talk to each other aside from asking each other to move so they can get to the box of cereal or liquor. Stand in the line, and you'll see people with their heads bent over their cell phone instead of making light conversation with the people in line. As we get older, people seem to be more focused on immediate family and the occasional old friend. The value of new friendships has declined.

We still have social groups for people with a common interest to come together... such as book clubs or BDSM bars. But even then, I wonder if social groups have declined in the past years. I wonder if more people are turning to the internet to talk about their interests than going out and meeting people. We should do a survey...

[blkchr91]

You know, as I was typing my initial post and reading yours, I was thinking of boundaries and how I really didn't want to get into that here....BUT know it all me didn't stop to think that there are other boundaries, not just the type that implies that I need to understand that not everyone is a friend. I already know that part and the post is more of wondering why it is so hard to make real friends. I had no idea that there was more to it than that.

Thank you for the info.

Originally Posted by Michael the Great

That's a good point. I have noticed that, as we get older, it's more difficult to make real friends. It could be a product of our society. Independence and autonomy are becoming increasingly more prominent in western culture. In a local grocery store, for example, customers rarely talk to each other aside from asking each other to move so they can get to the box of cereal or liquor. Stand in the line, and you'll see people with their heads bent over their cell phone instead of making light conversation with the people in line. As we get older, people seem to be more focused on immediate family and the occasional old friend. The value of new friendships has declined.

We still have social groups for people with a common interest to come together... such as book clubs or BDSM bars. But even then, I wonder if social groups have declined in the past years. I wonder if more people are turning to the internet to talk about their interests than going out and meeting people. We should do a survey...

Originally Posted by madisgram

yes they do exist! i'd recommend learning how to set boundaries with people. it takes practice but i say 'i'm no human doormat.' neither are you. if ppl hear you don't say 'no, that's not possible for me today' eventually they'll move on to another such person. another thought...perhaps you're choosing the wrong 'friends'. a healthy friendship is give and take like any other relationship.
i'm originally from VA and there are some very decent ppl there like anywhere else. hopefully my reply will assist you to find real friends. so sorry you're having a rough time of it but if you learn to say 'no' i hope your situation improves and you'll have true friends.
here's a great article you may find helpful re boundary setting- http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/10-...er-boundaries/

[blkchr91]

Thank you, I think this lines up very neatly with the boundary part too.

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

If you can find people to get to know in a context where "exchange" isn't in things with a $ value--like kid-watching etc--then I think it's easier to form relationships of real value. Finding these situations aren't the easiest. Book clubs are great, but these are shrinking in my area.

Real friends can still be rounds, though, at any age if you work hard enough. My best friend died 10 yrs ago, but I do now have another found in a dream work group. Worth the work, believe me!

[Perna]

I think friendships come and go as our needs and interests come and go. It is not that I am useless to someone, but we don't have that same interest anymore or I or they don't have the same needs. If I am helping someone, I may enjoy that ability to help and enjoy the person and we may be friends but I can't really be surprised when they don't need my help anymore if we don't have a lot still in common? If someone is helping me and I don't need their help anymore, I can't see why we would still get together? I don't feel it is a lot different from being friends with someone in high school and they move away?

I still have a couple high school friends; we get together if they are in town or if I go to their town or there's a high school class reunion, etc. send cards occasionally, emails. . . ask after parents, spouses, children but they might as well be cousins? Think about your cousins if you have any. You might have spent a lot of time together as children (I did with mine) but have almost no contact now that you are grown? Relationship where one is not always together do that, that is most often the reason long-distance love relationships don't work.

Sometimes things change abruptly but people die, move, change jobs, get jobs/get laid off, have crises that change things and none of those necessarily happen slowly?

Even kids grow up and wander their own way after 18 years; I've been out of high school almost 45. I've only known my husband 25+. School friendships were usually only for 2-3 years, if you think about it, but we enjoyed what we had when we had it is why they seem so great. I've had friends suddenly end relationships after 20 years, I've had a friend I've hung out with for about 8-10 now and another I had for 2-3 years whom I met on here who lives near me but we don't have any contact anymore.

People come and go in one's life and will continue to do so? Some we like more, some less, some like us more, some less. I try not to get tangled in my imagined, storybook ideas of what a relationship or person should be like or how I would like them to be and just try to enjoy them as they are; offer help here, accept help there, enjoy this person and be sad when they leave, suffer this person appearing to need me more than I do them, etc.

[blkchr91]

Thanks as always Perna, I appreciate your life's experiences and viewpoints. I think that my realization of this friend thing is far more pronounced because I live in a rural area and my spouses parents have both died. I am estranged by choice from my mother and father and none of my family including aunts, uncles, brother, cousins talk to me...that's another post though. For me the matter is amplified a bit.

Originally Posted by Perna

I think friendships come and go as our needs and interests come and go. It is not that I am useless to someone, but we don't have that same interest anymore or I or they don't have the same needs. If I am helping someone, I may enjoy that ability to help and enjoy the person and we may be friends but I can't really be surprised when they don't need my help anymore if we don't have a lot still in common? If someone is helping me and I don't need their help anymore, I can't see why we would still get together? I don't feel it is a lot different from being friends with someone in high school and they move away?

I still have a couple high school friends; we get together if they are in town or if I go to their town or there's a high school class reunion, etc. send cards occasionally, emails. . . ask after parents, spouses, children but they might as well be cousins? Think about your cousins if you have any. You might have spent a lot of time together as children (I did with mine) but have almost no contact now that you are grown? Relationship where one is not always together do that, that is most often the reason long-distance love relationships don't work.

Sometimes things change abruptly but people die, move, change jobs, get jobs/get laid off, have crises that change things and none of those necessarily happen slowly?

Even kids grow up and wander their own way after 18 years; I've been out of high school almost 45. I've only known my husband 25+. School friendships were usually only for 2-3 years, if you think about it, but we enjoyed what we had when we had it is why they seem so great. I've had friends suddenly end relationships after 20 years, I've had a friend I've hung out with for about 8-10 now and another I had for 2-3 years whom I met on here who lives near me but we don't have any contact anymore.

People come and go in one's life and will continue to do so? Some we like more, some less, some like us more, some less. I try not to get tangled in my imagined, storybook ideas of what a relationship or person should be like or how I would like them to be and just try to enjoy them as they are; offer help here, accept help there, enjoy this person and be sad when they leave, suffer this person appearing to need me more than I do them, etc.

[Irreplaceable]

The things that you described does not describe a friend...It describes an acquantance...Or a user...And I agree with what someone said above, the older you get, the harder it is to meet and keep friends....

True friends don't exist. Every friend I ever had we're fair weather.

[lido78]

I do agree that it can be hard to meet new friends as you get older but, you really do have to be open to new experiences and types of people. I've met more new friends in the last 10 years (from age 33 to 43) by frequenting a local cafe where a diverse group of people meet up...my friends range from age 23 to about 73. We don't hang out every day or anything like that, but we definitely meet up for a drink now and then, talk in the local park while walking our dogs and have each other's phone numbers...it's helpful that I live in a big city but I think all it can take is a few extra words...something like "Hey, love your t-shirt, very cool" to the local barrista may be answered with "Thanks, I actually designed it. I'm having an art show next week...why don't you stop by?" And then, show up!

They may not be someone that you could call at 2 a.m. with an emergency but you never know...there are a few that I definitely would call if, for example, my car were stuck on the highway. You have different friends for different phases and parts of your life.

[blkchr91]

You all are awesome, thank you!

Originally Posted by lido78

I do agree that it can be hard to meet new friends as you get older but, you really do have to be open to new experiences and types of people. I've met more new friends in the last 10 years (from age 33 to 43) by frequenting a local cafe where a diverse group of people meet up...my friends range from age 23 to about 73. We don't hang out every day or anything like that, but we definitely meet up for a drink now and then, talk in the local park while walking our dogs and have each other's phone numbers...it's helpful that I live in a big city but I think all it can take is a few extra words...something like "Hey, love your t-shirt, very cool" to the local barrista may be answered with "Thanks, I actually designed it. I'm having an art show next week...why don't you stop by?" And then, show up!

They may not be someone that you could call at 2 a.m. with an emergency but you never know...there are a few that I definitely would call if, for example, my car were stuck on the highway. You have different friends for different phases and parts of your life.