[Fras]

Hi all,
Bit of advice please as I don't know if its just me being selfish.

Background
Partner is separated 2 1/2 years and ex lives in New Zealand with their 3 children (3,6,7). We live in the UK together with my DD. Ex doesn't earn enough to fly everyone over here so its up to him to go over there. The last time he saw them will have been 2 years this year.

Situation
He is wanting to go over later his year. (not a problem). Hes just starting at work after 7 mths and hopefully going to save up. Originally the 3 of us were going to go over and make some kind of holiday out of it. He goes off to see the boys. Me and dd go off and do our thing.
He says his life is with me and dd but wont divorce (doesn't want the "dad did this, dad did that) which I can understand to a point. He has also mentioned (in drink) that his plan is to get back with ex as that's the only way he will see the boys. Next day was sorry said he was wrong.
Now hes changed his mind again and doesn't want us to go! Just him! A business trip! Wants to give 100% to the boys. (cant argue there).
I want to be there for him as the last time he went (before we were together) it was an apparent nightmare. He sees me being there as a distraction, doesn't want to share that part of his life with me, there his memories and wants to keep them that way. Wants me to se it as a dad wanting to see his boys. Its his past and that's that.

Giving the comments on divorce and who to be with.
Am I right thinking this is all wrong and there is plan in possess?
He has said he wants his own family with me and does want to marry me. But these actions to me say the opposite.

Any advice would be grateful as at the moment I don't know if I am reading too much into it and sending myself slowly insane

[IceCreamKid]

Find it in your heart to encourage this man to live close to his children and to be a parent to them. They need their father. Then find a single man for yourself and take it slowly before introducing him to your child. I know that isn't what you want to hear but my heart breaks for a 3 year old, or a 6 or 7 year old, who hasn't seen his father in a year.

[lad007]

I'm sorry but a few things about this story don't seem to make sense to me.
His children aren't "the past" as he puts it, they are the present and the future.
If he was serious about marrying you he would get a divorce, set a date to marry you, and encourage you to be part of his children's life as their step mother.
That would be my expectation. Also, his children should come first, they are innocent in this, not what you and he may want. If he said he wants to get back together for the sake of his children(even if he was drunk-the truth can come out then) encourage him do that, and step aside.
If you are still in love in 15 years after the youngest is 18 you can marry then.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Fras

. Am I right thinking this is all wrong and there is plan in possess? He has said he wants his own family with me and does want to marry me. But these actions to me say the opposite.

Any advice would be grateful as at the moment I don't know if I am reading too much into it and sending myself slowly insane

He doesn't have an ex. He has a wife, a family--and you. Please, Fras, don't involve yourself--and especially don't involve your daughter any further--in this relationship that's going nowhere.

IceCreamKid makes good sense.

I hope you'll stay around PC. You're not going to make yourself insane over any man. Your post shows logic & common sense. You're just lonely (move over! ), want a life (move WAY over!!), & probably feel a bit rushed. Yeah.

There's an app for that. Well, not an app, exactly, but lots of support!!

[Fras]

Thanks for the replys

I have said to him if he wants to try and reconcile things in NZ then do so. I even gave him my phone for him to call and he said no. He wants her to divorce him and hes hoping this trip he will receive the papers. He calls the boys every Friday and speaks to them and sometimes his wife just to touch base and see if everything is ok.
I would love nothing more for them to live with us. I've mentioned about him living in NZ or closer but says England is his home and hes not moving there.
I come from a single parent family and lived with my dad. He seems to think I am an exception to the rule as kids always go with there mother!
Hes away on a course till friday and his recent change has only come about these few days. I think we need to talk about it all face to face.
I don't want to be a distraction to him over there and wont meet the boys if that's what he wants. But I do want to be there for him as its going to be a stressful time. I will not come between him and the boys but I think he needs to decide exactly what he wants and stick to it. The boys do need there dad and he needs them.
If he wants to make a life with me that's fine, If he wants to reconcile that's fine (i'll be heart broken yes, don't get me wrong). I just don't want to spend the rest of the year waiting for that decision to be made. I've put my life on hold in the past and am not going to do it again.

Thanks again for you support and I'll let you know how I get on x