[sweetdisasters]

Hey everyone. Thanks in advance for any comments or advice.

As the title suggests, I have uncontrollable feelings of annoyance, bordering on anger, whenever my parents ask me about my life (ex. school, friends, etc.) These feelings of annoyance are overwhelming to the point where I try at all costs to avoid answering the question even when there is a very simple respons. For example, if they ask me about who will be attending a gathering that I'm going to, I'll get really annoyed and simply say, "people you don't know" or "don't worry about it" when I could easily list off five names. Obviously, this results in further interrogation, which angers me even more. Arguments often ensue and physically, I get very tense.

This all started happening in my teens, but I am now 23 and I thought I would have grown out of this stage ages ago. I can plainly see how ridiculous my actions are and how it is negatively affecting the relationship with my parents. They frequently say I am trying to kick them out of my life, which really isn't my intention. I just cannot seem to overcome these feelings when talking to them. I often feel guilty about being a bad daughter.

I think this issue may stem from over-protective parenting and the feeling that they are trying to pry into my life. This isn't really an issue now that I am older, but I guess the emotions still remain. I also don't have a very close relationship with them in general. We don't express affection verbally or physically (no "i love yous", hugs, contact of any sort). I feel extremely awkward when my mom tries to hug me goodbye. I've never talked to either parent about anything really deep.

I just want to have a normal, functioning relationship with my parents. It seems so natural for everyone else, but I can't seem to even be civil with them. I've tried to bite my tongue and just respond normally, but the annoyance just builds up in my head and I get physically irritable, so it doesn't last very long. Does anyone have any suggestions about what I can do to overcome this?

[Leed]

Being a parent myself, I can kinda understand the DESIRE to know everything about my daughter, but I do NOT pry into her private life. That would be a sure way to push her away.

Why not have a talk with your parents??? Tell them you could understand it when you were a teenager (even if you can't understand it- LOL ) but tell them that now that you're an ADULT, you need some privacy and it isn't necessary to know all the details of your life. Ask them how THEY would feel if you delved into THEIR personal lives!!! I have a feeling they've never thought of that.

They may not see you as an adult yet -- it's hard to "let go" of our kids. I was always a VERY protective mother, and while I'm sure it ticked my kids off, they understood WHY I was so protective. Now that my daughter has a daughter of her own, I see the same thing with her -- she's VERY protective of her daughter, who is now 16!

Talk with your folks -- it might even start a dialogue between you --- it sounds like communication has been lacking for a long time. It might be hard to get it started, but it will be worth it. God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

What I learned in therapy was that you and they are trying to communicate and neither is very good at it because you haven't had much practice.

I learned that through an exchange when I was 20 that my therapist and I went over and over. I walked into the kitchen one afternoon where my mother was and innocently asked, "What's for dinner?" and got the angry, sarcastic reply, "If you were in here helping, you'd know!"

My therapist finally got through to me that my, "What's for dinner?" was me trying to start a conversation, trying to engage my stepmother, to interact. My stepmother was like you sound with your parents, though, and "missed" what was happening.

Were I you, I would try to feel a little "sorry" for your parents You are their child they have watched grow up and now you are off on your own and they don't know how to interact with you anymore, you don't "need" them so the automatic interactions they use to have with you are gone. They don't know what to do! They don't know you anymore, don't have any other way to talk to you?

Next time they ask a question, think of it as a greeting; you know how when someone asks, "Hey, how are you?" you answer "Fine" automatically because it is not a question so much as a greeting? So, when your parents say, "Who's going to be at this party?" Go into a little detail but also turn the question around to it is an actual conversation with your parents/mother, so you are telling her a bit about your adult self and asking about her when she was your age (remembering will reassure her that you are okay because she knows she was okay or maybe she had a problem and can tell you about it now that you are older and you'll better understand why she seemed so protective) "My friend, Susie, I met her in math class, she and I often go out together so we can keep an eye on one another. Did you have a friend like that when you were my age, Mom? Someone you went out and did things with?".

If your father is in there too, they're together, just make the questions about the two of them and how they met or what dating each other before they married was like, etc.

I still remember the conversation where my stepmother told me about her youngest aunt borrowing her favorite sweater to go on a date one night, the aunt wasn't much older than she was, and bringing it home with a cigarette burn hole in it. You can learn some surprising things about your parents, like how much they had in common with you :-)

[Severijn]

You still have a desire to have good relationship with your parents. So that's a starting point. Personally I don't want much to do with my parents anymore, but that you have a desire for a good relationship is a good thing. Something good can come out of that.

Like others already said, you must learn to talk differently with them. Throughout the years you've grown these verbal habits that don't lead anywhere. You have to break through this.