She has checked out

We have been married a very long time. I love her and I dont think that will ever change. Even know going through this hard time I still love her. But I guess I should start with my job it takes me away in the summer and I am home on the weekends. I make it up to everyone in the familiy in the winter time. Now I have done this for 12 years and all has been great. On both ends. Her and me. It gets hard and lonley for both of us. We talk multiple times a day or text so communication was always there. Something happened this year, that changed all that. My wife has become very active in the world over the past two years and I thought that was great and I am so very proud of her and the accomplishments that she has achieved. But somewhere along this year she has checked out with out relationship and has started confiding in another man. They run in the same circles and she viewed him as a mentor to all that she does. Real loyalty there. We have been having issues comunicating for a month or so. And I was seeing the signs that something extra was going on Cell Phone no more than a foot away. Deleteing texts as soon as they are sent or received. Texting the same contact with two different numbers. Found out that she has been hiding the amount that they chat by putting a number 2 after the friends name to indicate that it is him. anyway. I am and have always been the perfect huband. I make great money (2 years ago not so much part of problem) I have a high moral compass and it point true north. I have never had an enpure thought of another woman. ( porn not included I was on the road remember) I would work all day and hide myself away in my apt so that no action that I took could ever be misinterpereted. I never wanted her to question anything that I did. One night we went out with this couple(man in question and his wife) My wife decided that she was going to do shots that night. She is not a drinker so that in itself is a problem. She was texting lets call it ben and ben2 while we were out. I asked why are texting ben on 2 different chats. Her responce was "Why do you have to be that guy" Anyway she got drunk and passed out on way home. I got her in and cleaned her up and got her to bed. I went out to clean the car and I just could not help myself. I looked up the chat. They were deleted. So I looked up Ben and Ben2 to see the number and did a reverse number search and could not believe what I found Ben2 is in my phone as well under a different name in my contacts. But she did not delete the history. It stated==="I dont care anymore" "I love you so much it hurts" "Take me away for all of this" "I love You". I have to say I did not expect that. I woke her up drunk still and demanded an answer. After an hour of not giving any information she finally said that they are closer than anyone could imagine. He is her best friend and they had to hide the amount they talk because I and his wife would not understand. I did not explode I did not over react. I was kind of releived. I was not crazy I knew something was wrong but I was told no and that kept me off blance thinking it was me making things up. Now that I have the problem I can fix it. They elected to end their extra conversations and go back to being normal just friends and just see and talk as the circles that they are in dictate. I thougt ok lets start building our love back and communicate. But its like a brick wall. I as how was her day and want to hear about it and I get very little. In morning I ask if she has a busy day but get very little. I am a closed off kind of person. Dont get me wrong I am a funny good looking center of attention kind of guy that just does not take the time to make friends. What do I need them for I have a fantastic wife and 2 kids. Friends would take time away from them. So in a nut shell. What do I do? She needs space I can see that. She is still texting him which she said that she would not But she is just not hiding that fact. Still deleting as fast as they come in or go out. I am afraid that if I give her space that I will just be conforming that or helping her confirm that she wants to be with him. Oh and his wife does not know and they are even going to lunch tomorrow. Ben will not leave his wife I truely believe that. There relationship is not the typical marriage that I have or had so I dont really understand it but I dont think he will. So what would the end game be here? He wont leave and she is struggling and it is really hard to stay positive. Any thoughts here would be great!!

Oh wow this sounds difficult! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I understand your want to make this relationship work but you need to find out if that is what she really wants. It will end in such a huge mess if she's just stringing you along for the free ride while she's waiting for someone else to come take her away. Or perhaps she's going through some sort of depression, some sort of emotional turmoil that is causing her to act out this way, really there is no way to know why she is behaving this way without going directly to her. Perhaps try to have a calm sober conversation asking her who she wishes to be with. If it's you tell her that you need her to be in the relationship as much as you are, if she's not what's the point in you continuing to try?

Her behavior is very destructive right now, a break may be the best thing needed but that break could mean a final break. I would suggest to talk to her and see if that's what she wants, if it is give it to her or this will continue. If it's not make her step up to the plate and work on the marriage as much as you are. Maybe showing her that you wont let her walk all over you is what she needs right now.

Thanks for helping. My daughter went off to college this year. Our family is unusually tight. It hurt very much. My wife took it hard. I have seem her cry 5 times in 20 years and she crude for 3 days straight after that. I felt power less. To help. I had an emotional break after that. An that helped feed my fears that she saw looking or in an affair. She would tell me I was crazy. She kept me thinking that and I was desperately tryi
G to fix myself. Just to find out that she is having an emotional affair and she kept me in the darkness. She keeps listening to snow patrol. Song. And tears up. Make this go on forever. It's guilt. I see that. But I am willing to accept what has happened and move forward. It's like she is trying to get me so pissed I leave and I am not going to do that. I put on the happy face and keep working in us.

I am sorry this is happening to your marriage. In reading your post you say you are the perfect husband. You may think you are but if you were the perfect husband in your wife's eyes she would not seek out another man-sorry. What you have to do is find out what he is giving her that you are not and give that to her. Try to dig down and remember why she fell for you in the first place and recapture that. Be her boyfriend again. Take her on a vacation with no cell phones. Contact the guy and have a man to man tell him the relationship is getting inappropriate and to stop contacting your wife before it goes to far-if it already hasn't. That's what I would do.

When I say perfect husband I mean that yes I am totally devoted to her. I am there for her and always ask about her day and is there when she needs advice and someone to just hold hands and hug. I never have had a stray eye. As for the guy I showed up at the breakup meeting and was very calm and cool. I asked if he loved my wife and he said no. I asked if he was aware that she had those kind of feelings him and he said he had his suspitions. He lied right in front of her and she took it. Later on that day I texted him and he stated the same things i was not angry in my speech and left it pretty well. She read the text and said that he throw her under the bus. I commented that was when I realized that she had more loyalty to him then me and she did not deny that. He is a mentor for her and keeps saying that he is amazing because of all the good that he does in the community. I cannot deny that either. He seemed to be a very nice man. But again my view is a little tainted now. My wife is going to lunch with his wife today. I decided that I will call him tomorrow and see if he will meet me for coffee or a beer and see if we can find a way from his point of view. Maybe he can come out and tell me what she wants and what he wants and I can tell him what I want. Sounds real weird even from here. But its worth a shot. We have moments that things are just fine like yesterday morning we talked about paying off the car and how long. Our mini trip in two week and all seemed great normal ya know. Then she got a text from him and her mood changed to me and the family. This morning I decided to remove myself and go work out. After that I took my kids shopping and lunch when we got back. She had done all the laundry cleaned out the fridge and payed bills and just a bunch of stuff that needed some attention. If she was just waiting for us to leave so she cauld go out. She would not have done that stuff. Its as if she is bi polar or something. I just need to hold on and have faith.

From reading your story here you have been way more patient than I could have been. But that's just me & my tolerance level.

I truly do hope your marriage works out, for all involved. I actually think meeting this man for a talk is a good idea. Maybe ease into the question of what would his wife think of all this. More info about these things is always better, might help both you men make a decision, some changes, ect.

You use the word bipolar, has she always had problems with mood swings or is this just how you perceive her behavior involving this man?
Reason being that bipolar is a very real diagnosed illness, usually treated with medications & therapy, just curious.

Best wishes.

Well its monday and she stated that yesterday at the movies with the kids one young and one old she was done and she could be out by the end of the week. It was quite a bomb to drop at the movie theater. My older stated being sassy to her and stating that she might have a better idea of her dad was not the only one talking to her. She only has my side of the story. That got the party started between them with me in the middle trying to keep the peace. We had a great converstion the day before about future plans paying off the older ones car and some credit debt. Making a real game plan. I asked her about it in the theater her response was yeah I am making plans to pay this stuff off so I can leave free and clear. Thats when it really hit me. She has a plan and she is going to carry it out. I was in shock. I truely did not believe she was serious until that moment. I sat and watched the movie to my credit I did not cry I just was told my soul mate was leaving me. The ride home was quite and I came home and my body fell apart. I have been so weak staying up late and worring not eating. Illness just took over. I took a hot shower and put some sweats on and sat in the recliner and watched TV nothing really. She came over to talk to me. About nothing really and to be honest I dont know if I even heard her. I am sure I answered. A couple min later I got up to get some cider and she started talking about money and what the state of affairs are and wants me to be included in the finances. I have not really been in 20 years she has always done it. I said that I would like that. She asked my opinion on some things but she was using the work WE alot. How much are we going to be comfortable with in savings. What are we going to to about this or that. And here is the part that sticks out. She wants me involved in the finances so that IF things go wrong I will know where everything is at. IF IF. After that she told me about work and the people that work there. We talked about that we dont eat dinner at home anymore. She said she should cook more she likes to cook. I sat and took it in. Commenting on some things. Being sick know she started locking up the house and said its time to put you to bed so you feel better. We got in bed and she turned the tv on and kept talking to me. I took some meds and I was fighting to keep my eyes open. I wanted to hear everyword. She said you look exasuted and its ok that I go to sleep will the tv bother you. I said I dont think so and turned over to go to sleep. In the night she reached over to check if I was in the bed by grabbing my shoulder. I dont get it If she wants to leave me then why all of a sudden a complete change in mood. Thats why I am thinking Bipolar.

Hi old school.
Ugh. This sounds like such a hard thing to go through. This relationship stuff can be SO incredibly hard. No wonder you were/are mentally and physically exhausted. First and formost, take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself you are doing the best you can. Keep taking deep breaths, walk, get out to do something you enjoy. Do you have any friends you can spend some time with? Confide in? Even just to share that things have been stressful, without going into to details. Try to get out and talk with people - to the mall, a car show, a game. I would say take some time for yourself. Time to think and let go a little bit. Then, also, would your wife agree to see a counselor? I think this could really help. It isn't easy, but it is helpful to have a 3rd part there to listen, referee, and offer advice. Sending supportive thoughts your way.

((((((old school))))))
I am so sorry to hear your stuggling with such confusing messages from someone you loved and thought you trusted.

I wonder, given the ages of your children, do you think your wife may be going through the change of life? If she is it would explain much of her behavior and mood swings. Even her doubts about her life and desire for attention from this man. It may not be you at all, she may just be wondering about if she is still attractive and her independance. Many women do go through that period of doubt and wondering about what it would be like to have a romance and feel special again. And this could increase as a woman sees a daughter who is free and dating as well. (That could be one explaination)

You know it sounds like for many years your wife was a homemaker and mother and had a husband that was only home on weekends. Now that the kids are older that part of her life is disappearing and often that comes as a shock in a way, it just seems to come so quickly.

I think that working with this other man gave a new demension to her life, it empowered her and inspired her maybe even filled a void in her that she wants to fill even more. You have to look at this from her stand point. You got to leave the home every week and go out in the world and thrive and make a living. She stayed home all the time and ran the house and the children and was very tied down to playing mother and dutiful wife. But what did she do for herself? Perhaps that is what that statement really means about her wanting to get out and escape the trap.

The difference between the conversations she has with this other man and you is that he was giving her the right to spread her wings and do things OUTSIDE OF THE DULL DRUM HOMELIFE SHE HAS BEEN IN FOR YEARS. Perhaps she feels like a seed that simply never got to grow and blossom on her own. But YOU had that now didn't you?
Even if you felt that you HAD to work and make a living to provide and in your own way was trapped in a provider role, you still got out in the world and enjoyed success in that activity, fulfilled that niche that everyone wants to fill, EVERYONE, including your wife.

Most men seem to think that a woman should be happy with a home and children and a husband that doesn't cheat as you mentioned your straight up north so to speak. But men forget that a woman often needs more than just that, they need to participate in the world as well, beyond the responsibilites of the dutiful wife. Because, women also want to grow, and can sometimes be a tad bit jealous of the husband that, as I mentioned, has proven himself out in the world.

This feeling in a woman can become much more obvious as children are finishing school and are making ready to go off and live their lives and have some kind of career. She may be somewhat jealous or even empty in a way she doesn't consciously realize.

But this mentor man that she talks with is much different than you as I mentioned. He represents a door to her own way of experiencing the world and being a part of working with others, society and making a difference, far away from doing the bills, raising children, and a husband that comes home on the weekends that she has to entertain as well. And that is really why she likes him, he represents being out in the world, he entertains that ability in her and gives her permission to do some things she doesn't do as a wife and dutiful mother. Big difference.

Ok, so maybe your thinking about retiring? But that is not what she wants, to go from taking care of the children and the house to the future drawing near that says her time is gone, now it is retirement and making meals and cleaning the house for a husband that will be there all the time, yes he made his way in life and went out into the world, did a good job at it too as you have mentioned.

The relationship that she has with this other man is most likely about her getting permission to be out in the world as I mentioned. And possibly for him, well, he is appreciated on a very different level than what he experiences from his wife. My guess is he is older too.

Her statement in the movies about making a move was somewhat telling as you mentioned where the kids there? Oh and the reaction she may get from them the anger of them thinking that forever she simply must be in that one spot of dutiful mother and wife, how that can create a deep anger that she may not be able to truely verbalize. It can present a feeling that she must forever be trapped in a role that she never quiet realized can be all about everyone else growing and learning and experiencing except for her.

Maybe that whole conversation about the bills and you (we as she put it) learning what it all means is her passing the torch, a step towards her giving up that role of a trap she has been in for so many years. You were confused about that, perhaps what I am saying is more in tune with what she really means by all that.

This up and down you see in her is a deep struggle of finding a way to walk away from a long time routine she knew so well, and finding a way to slowly walk into a differnt part of her, yearning to experience a part of life she hasn't had, but has gotten a taste of. Not just children and a man to keep all tidy and in order like a kind of BIG MOTHER HEN. No, this taste of life has filled another part of her, dealing with other people who are recognizing her on a very different level, something she has not experienced before.

Think about this old school, think about the name you picked here "old school" what does that mean about you and what does it mean to your wife? I don't think it is all about YOU and what is wrong with you, as you mentioned you played your role true north, and you were very responsible. This is all about her and what she has not yet fulfilled in her personal life.

Toss this around in your mind a bit. I know you were going to plan to have a drink or something with this other man, but he may not truely know what I am telling you here. And maybe for him your wife is more appreciative about what he does for a living and what makes him tick, something his wife may just take for granted. Your wife probably hangs on to his every move while he works in society, that outside world your wife hasn't really had yet, but is finding she likes it, it is exciting and rewarding in a way that her home life cant fulfill. This relationship is very different than "old school" right? And no vacation will change this hole your wife is filling. And you may be right, maybe this man would not leave his wife, I am sure he has had other women appreciate him in his work world. But I am sure he does like the attention as you can see he is texting your wife. And your wife? she is hiding all this because there IS some guilt there, but she likes the excitement and different kind of rewards for her learning and achieving and interacting with the outside world. This other man, mentor as she puts it, how telling, mentor? That usually is someone who recognizes another's ability and chooses to give that other person permission to engage in life.

Think about all this. This isn't really about you or something you failed at, it is more about something you probably never even thought of. But try to put yourself in her shoes, really objectively do that. How would you have felt if you were the one at home all those years while she was out doing life? And then you got a chance and a woman gave you permission to find something you never truely experienced before, someone encouraging you and telling you your doing a good job and showing you a totally different world outside the walls of that home you visit every weekend, the bills and a husband that comes home on the weekends.

Now, go over in your mind again all the things your wife has said to you and things you have read in that text you found. Ofcourse I dont know your wife, I am just thinking about some possilbe scenarios that you may not have thought about.

Open Eyes

I am so sorry things have happened so fast with her decision to leave. Was she open to counseling at all? Really hate it for your children. A split or divorce at any age for a child is traumatic, has she talked to them about this?

Think about what OpenEyes had to say in above post. Does she really think this man would leave his wife for her or does she want to spread her wings some regardless if she's alone?

Agree also that this might be some mid-life phase/crisis. Once she gets out there & is completely alone, weekends and all, she may feel different. You never know how these things will turn out.

Take care of YOU!! Try & find a support system outside of your marriage. Go to counseling on your own to help YOU get thru this so you can make sense of all this in your own mind & heart. Your kids may need counseling to work their way thru this. Based on what you have written here sounds like this isn't about you or something you did or didn't do. If she was dissatisfied with your work schedule being out of town all week she should have said so.

Wishing you all the best & keep posting.

Open Eyes has dome valid points, dome of which I've lived thru. I do agree that it may be time to consider "you." You've never needed friends, yet they're an integral part of life. While our families are most important, we do not exist in a vacuum of family alone. Your wife is experiencing that & perhaps you should as well.

Whether counseling would be positive depends on you two, if she is open to it, as well as yourself.

From this vantage point, it appears she's been taking care of business - the children & running the household. You've provided the means. It can happen that a woman not fulfilled (and that's not aimed at you) within herself, having found a new avenue to do so, can now see this mentor more significant than money & weekend visits. One can always find money & she seems adept at the finances of the family.

Consider stepping outside this pattern & do learn what she is willing to teach, show you. Develop friendships, as they can play an important role when it comes to emotional support.

I don't hear a lot of you initiating conversations or of so, what is the response? Are you asking her questions & are they aimed at helping her share her feelings about the marriage and you? Has there been any talk about her sense of commitment to the family, her needs outside the family and yours?

I do know that compromise is always part of the picture but being a doormat is not.

Have you ever attempted the "repeat what you hear" technique? She says to you, ABC & you then say, You mean you feel like ABC? You'd be surprised that you could get it wrong & then she'd repeat it again, as would you until it's clear what's bring said.

Just a few ideas....

old school,

Looking at this situation from a psychological stand point what often happens, unbeknownst to someone like your wife, is an attachment that happens a lot.

Often many talk about what is called "TRANSFERANCE" for a therapist or even a teacher or some kind of mentor figure. What this really means is that when someone finds another human being that gives them attention and permission to express themselves and feel connected and free to express themselves and grow, there is deep need being met. The person can become very attached or even somewhat obcessed by finding another person that provides them with a nurturing they may have missed in their lives somehow, not really realizing themselves what is really taking place. So, this may be what your wife is addressing, yet she doesn't truely know consciously what is truely taking place. And this, as I mentioned, is not your fault or something your doing wrong, it is more about a deep need in your wife that was somehow not met, and is now being met.

I believe that often the reason why people end up straying from a relationship is because they have some kind of void that they need to fill, something a partner may not necessarily be filling and may not know how to fill. And, sometimes when two people meet in the workplace where a special kind of "different" nurturing takes place, these people can be drawn to each other without truely knowing what is actually taking place. Often the words used of feeling somehow captive in a situation where someone is in a marriage and "constant duty" that may not be "truely fulfilling" and "appreciated" are the messages you wife spoke of in that text you found. Her new expression and behaviors are of what is now being felt as seeing a path to self empowerment not offered before. They typically want more of what they feel is self empowering or new sense of being appreciated.

One of the things that is becoming more prevelant right now is the rise in infedelity and divorce due to facebook and twitter that people become engaged in. People who engage in that can start quite innocently and end up interacting with someone that fills some kind of hole that needs to be filled. When this takes place it can be just like a drug addiction because as in someone who turns to drugs, some kind of hole is being filled and drugs provide dopamine, but so does attention and adoration.

You talked about your wife as being your soul mate right? What did she provide you with for that to happen? What kept you on the straight and narrow and not out cheating on her? That statement she made about "we need to go over the bills and expenses" what was she saying? That "we" is something that other man "mentor" figure gives her. All this time your wife did duties, and you went out in the world, you didn't really do the duties together, not really. "old school" is a sense that a man provides and the woman is supposed to be happy with that and do the home chores of raising children and cleaning and cooking etc. Your wife is bored with that job, it is not fulfilling her, providing endorfins and dopamine that comes with a person who is engaging life and learning and gaining in personal empowerment that is changing and challenging. Women do want to have children and a home because to a certain extent they are designed to do that biologically. But they are also human and when that part of them is fulfilled often they begin to feel empty. This is part of what men do not understand about women, and often women themselves don't quite understand. But ALL human beings like to learn and grow and feel challenged and fulfilled ALL THEIR LIVES. As a matter of fact, it is healthy and proven that when people actually DO retire, unless they continue to engage, they actually die within as little as two years after retiring. Continuing to learn, grow, engage and thrive with goaled activities are what we are all designed to do, it prolongs our lives.

Now, again close your eyes and step back into that experience you talked about. She said to you, "we need to go over the bills etc", what did you do? How did you respond? If I remember correctly you were depressed, sat in the chair half watching TV right? You failed her test, a test she didn't really consciously know she was presenting. What could you have done? Get out of that chair, enthusiatically say, Yeah, I want to learn about how you have been addressing the finances. After intently listening to her as she begins explaining things, there could have been comments to her about how well she mastered this and did that and wow aren't you so smart honey about this and that decision. But what did you end up doing? Not feeling well, tired and went to bed. And she touched you and nurtured you a bit, but in that moment she was very disappointed that you had not even engaged her at all. And you spoke of how well the two of you did when discussing the paying of the car plan, what did that mean? You did something together, a tiny speck of what that mentor man presents to her.

The only hope you have of getting her back is engaging her, something you did a long time ago when you both met, you gave her adoration and both of you built a life together. And then that slowly disappeared, that WE that was engaging and there and pursued by both of you. This is what men don't see about the women they begin to take for granted and forget to pursue and engage. And what did you do in that bed when you turned from her and went to sleep? What could you have done that may have filled a need in her? You could have turned to her, looked her in the eyes and made passionate love to her, tell her how beautiful she is, that she has so many talents, been a wonderful mother, and lover to YOU. As I mentioned before, what did that anouncement in the movie theater really say? She was saying how much all she did just became so expected, when did anyone tell her what a wonderful mother she was, complimented and point out areas where she filled a specific need? All these voids are what the mentor fills, something he cannot truely tell you over a beer in some meeting. Your handing her away and she is angry and disappointed, but not in a way she can consciously identify. None of you in that movie theater gave her the response she needed from her announcement, you all just go angry and quiet, and totally missed the message. You all validated her emptyness and sense of not being appreciated in a way she is starving to hear. You all got quiet and angry at her, and did anyone stand up and speak of her value and plead her to stay? No, shes the bad guy here because she doesn't want to be the door mat anymore, is crying out, for someone to declare her REAL value and none of her family is doing this for her.

And if she does leave? And is allowed to leave? She will feel like she was never really appreciated for her efforts, it was just assumed of her. She will feel like her efforts were not truely appreciated, just consumed and expected of her somehow. And I don't think she knows how else to express this void in herself. I think she is torn by being a responsible doormat or being valued and appreciated and engaged.

To be honest with you old school, when I think about my own cries and actions, where I have been somehow starved, and how I hurt, often it is because whatever I DID do became just expected of me.
My daughter? I worked my butt of and gave her so much, went without so she could have, and yet when I fell and struggled, she just got mad at me and even hurt me and really never thanked me or recognize what I DID do for her. And often my husband has failed me as well, I was hurt many times by him and whenever I express my own struggle, he just gets angry, and he doesn't see or hear what I really need.

Really sit and think about your family and your relationship and your wife and what is not being said to your wife. I know she is trying to tell all of you, doesn't truely know how to say it out right, but there is definitely a void in her, something her family is just not seeing.

Open Eyes

Ok thank you for the ggreat perspective. First staying home and taking care of children and being a wife. I did not make myself clean. I own my own company she works with me in the office. She also has her own comapny that she has had for several years. She is out in the comunity and is loved and revered by all in the 5 communities that she is active in. So I do not believe that your thoughts are correct on that aspect. I called myself old school because I feel that I have a old soul and have the morals of someone much older or a gen before me. I am only 41 and she just turned 40. I will give what you said some thought. We went to a event last night that he and his wife was at. I was really worried how I would handle it. She had on a cocktail dress and asked that I wear a outfit that she picked. I went in and shook his hand and bought him a beer. small talk. My wife kept looking at me asking me if I'm ok. I said of course. His wife and my wife planing to go to bingo next week and his wife said that He and I should go out the same night. She just does not have a clue. I came home and chatted a little and I we went to bed. My last thought before my sleeping pills kicked in is that "I am no longer a man. I shook the mans hand and bought him a beer." Its just not right 5 years ago I would have beat the crap out of him. But I dont want to make waves right now cause my next action could be my last in out relationship.