I have been diagnosed with a major mental illness for many years and have had multiple voluntary hospitalizations. The last fifteen years, though, I have only been in the hospital once, and only for a week. One barrior to my recovery was my distrust of doctors and their sincerity that I had an Illness. I thought they were liars and they had a hidden agenda that wasn't in my best interest. Throughout all these hospitalizations, my birth family was present physicly rarely, and emotionally never. I endured much heartache as a result. I have been married for 10 years now. I have been a step-dad for ten years. My step-son is a good student with many friends and doesn't need to be disciplined, except rarely. Therefore, I think I was an effective step-dad. My sister, recently, shared with me her opinion that mental illness doesn't exist, and that depressed and confused or manic people choose their state of mind and are responsable for their state of mind also. She used herself as an example as someone who choose to be happy, despite her obstacles. She told me my uncle was an example of that also. I told her we needed to agree to disagree, after I informed her that her view was as heartless as expecting a paralyzed person to walk, because they choose to be paralyzed? I told her her opinion was cruel. I told my uncle about her mean words and he said, basicly, that her opinions were baseless. He said she was being influenced by the whole "tea party" movement that the USA shouldn't be a nanny state, etc. My step-son, who is diagnosed with Aspergers, became verbally abusive as a result of his aspergers, a few months ago. He had to be an inpatient in a crisis unit for teenagers, as a result. My sister and her husband decided, without consulting myself or my step-sons mom, to tell him that because he was making verbal assaults, they would not talk to him anymore. His heart was broken and things got worse. I told my step-son that I had nothing to do with my sister and her husbands actions. He didn't blame me for their words, as a result. I told him that my sister has a past filled with hurtful words. She argues frequently and carries resentments, seemingly, forever. She is angry at my other sisters husband, so much so that she wants my sister to divorce him. I feel that is an overreaction also. My sister has become very distant from her birth family as a result, she has been married to her husband for 20+ years and they seem happy. My older sister had a huge arguement with my mother because my sister felt that my mom expected her to contribute money to a cause that would have honored my deceased fathers memory. My mothers feelings were hurt as a result. I have tried very hard to maintain a healthy relationship with my sister, despite of her indifference toward my financial and mental health issues. As a result of these aforementioned events, I decided that my step-son and I would not attend a get-together for the holidays at a local resteraunt with my sisters, their husbands and their kids(two each) and my mom and uncle. I told her it was stressful for us to go right now and that I intended no malice toward her or anyone. She can't accept my decision. I wish I could just dismiss her and all this, but it bothers me. I can't stop thinking about it. If it gets worse, I'll get a script for an anti-psychotic, it is that bad. I've offered to discuss this with her via e-mail, because I am scared to communicate with her any other way, right now. I am fearful that she will verbally assault me and say hurtful words to me. I told her these things also. She didn't respond to my e-mail, though she informed me that she had received it. Honestly, I think my sister needs to talk to a mental health professional. My wife has been in and out of the hospital 10 times in the last 12 months. Her best friend abandoned her over a stupid arguement about, basicly, nothing. My son has had major issues this last 12 months. My mom is having issues also, and I give her counsul as best I can. This family get-together is too much for me and my step-son right now, I am confused why she can't see that herself. She thinks I am "dis"ing her and her family. I feel like, "why me?" Does anyone understand why I feel this way, or am I overeacting? Thanks.

[Perna]

It sounds like you have major family difficulties and your sister is not helping. But it also sounds like you are doing the best you can for you and yours and I would stick with that. Do not take on so much of the "blame" for the problems with your sister! Your uncle confirmed that she was off base; stick with what you are doing, you are doing well. I would not bother trying to discuss anything with your sister, it does not sound like she is trying to understand but to just get her way even if it makes everyone else miserable.

[lido78]

You sound like a very self-aware person who is trying the very best that he can in a world that is not always kind to those with mental illness. Your sister, on the other hand, appears to live in a pretty narrow, small world where only one set of opinions is permitted, her own. Protect yourself and those who value you and understand you. You don't have to sink to your sister's own level to set some boundaries with her. Based on what you've written above, she is the one out of line. You DO NOT have to feel guilty if you need to remove yourself, your step son, and your wife from her sphere of influence. She may be related to you, but she's not acting like "family." Family, at least to me, has nothing to do with blood...it's the way you are valued and respected. The rest is just biology.

Thanks to you both. I needed some support with this issue. I gave up smoking 7+ months ago and I quit a relativly mild pot habit that my wife and I had almost 1 year and a 1/4 ago. I can't escape these issues anymore and I'm feeling overwelmed. I remember when I was a pre-teen and teen and even after, I would lie and bed and crave to be held, not even sex, just comforted. That craving died a slow and painful death, I don't believe it will be resurected, unless by God. The only meaningful way of life to me is to protect those who are still craving to be held. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to turn away from hope. It doesn't seem natural to me that people can be overlooked and forgoten the way the are and have been in the past. Compared to the fate of many others who have gone before me, I consider myself lucky. Still, though, I mourn my former self. Thanks.

[Open Eyes]

(((((brookwest)))))
I am so sorry that you were abandoned, not loved the way you needed to be loved. Your feelings of emptyness is something that happens way too often and truely leaves so many children to grow up with low self esteem and and overall sense of vulnerability. No, it really isn't fair and until people are truely educated on how to raise a healthy child, things are not truely going to change Im afraid. Sigh.....it would be so much easier to finance education for this than all this dealing with the results of so many confused people that cannot seem to function in society, not their fault. It is truely backwards, that is the sad truth.

You are doing your best to establish boundaries, keep your boundaries no matter what your sister says or does, but keep in mind her world is probably narrow due to a lack as well. Unfortunately you cannot fix her, you can only continue to do your best to work on yourself and your family.

It is also very common for people who struggle with any kind of mental illness or lack to be very misunderstood. I can raise my hand on that one and I am sure that many members here would raise their hands as well. So, with that common knowledge everyone has to self protect and do their best to distance from people who present them with unsupportive messages of any kind.

If you need to protect your personal well being by NOT attending family functions than that is perfectly fine. Many people DO have to do that to maintain a healthier
psychological balance.

(((((Hugs)))))

Open Eyes

Thanks. I'm not going to attend this function, even though I've been receiving strange automated e-vite messages. Creepy. As far as educating folk on raising healthy and productive and self-sustaining children and citizens, I think the mental health professionals are making progress there. I mean, one thing that confused the hell out of me when I was young was how adults would blame kids for being kids. I mean, how weird is that? Children should be seen and not heard + they loved fresh vegetables and fresh fruit, but not fresh children. Then when the outcome of their "enlightened" childrearing skills produced me at 18, they were like, "that is not our problem" and deposited me in a homeless shelter to be kicked around with the rest of the indigent population. Heartless? All I can do is report the facts of my history for a feeling of not being a helpless victim. Still, I feel helpless and vulnerable for no apparent reason, many times. Now I get looked down on as being a whiner by many people I try very hard to avoid. Sometimes I think it is and has been hunting season on anyone who can't pretend to be John Wayne. Sometimes I wish I could move to a different planet, or maybe trick all the macho wanna-bes to move to another planet with no-one to torment and torture but themselves. I wouldn't shed a tear or lose any sleep if that happened, that is for sure. Thanks.

I wanted to report that my youngests sisters children decided not to attend this family thing either. My oldest sister had an emotional melt-down(sort of) and my youngest sister went home to her husband in tears as a result. He exchanged angry e-mails with my oldest which ended in a non-forgivness pact from him to her. He is a guy who doesn't make empty threats. This works well for me, though. I saw this coming a mile away, this angry exchange etc.. I feel validated for not attending. My mom is upset though. She just wants her family to "get-along" which is understandable, even commendable. It isn't realistic in todays world of instant gratification though. She grew up in a different world. So, this is a sort of happy ending, if anyone is interested. Thanks