[krisakira]

my dad abused me growing up and says he did nothing wrong, and he hurt me a lot and all i ever wanted was approval from him but was never good enough. Well i have been slowly drifting him out of my life so i won't be hurt anymore. But the problem lies with my mom, who also abused me but apologized and i forgave her so now our relationship is good. problem is, she is still with that degenerate and supports him. she keeps telling me to forgive him but i cannot, and will not. if he won't own up to what he did, he doesn't deserve me. he never has deserved me. It sucks because if i went to visit my mom, i would have to see him too, and my mom says she won't visit me without him coming too. but i miss my mom i live 12 hrs away from them.

Yesterday i had surgery, and my mom told me to call her when she got off work which was at 10pm my time, to tell her how my surgery went and how I was doing. So i did, at 10:30 to give her a chance to wind down before calling. Well, my dad gets off at that time too and he wanted to go to bed right away. So the whole damn time I was trying to tell my mom how my surgery went, he kept nagging her to go to bed (he hates when he goes to bed, and gets woken up by my mom if she goes to bed at a later time). Not once did he even THINK to ask me how the crap I am after my SURGERY. Pissed me off so bad... my mom eventually said she had to go because of him.

Thats it. I am not going to tolerate his crap anymore. I hate him. And I hate how he keeps me from seeing my mom. But I have to have him a tiny bit in my life cause my family and I play Mario Kart on the Wii, online so we can play together even though we live so far away from each other. So my sister and my mom and dad and I play together. But i don't talk to my dad when we play.

Other than that, I have no father.

[Callmebj]

sorry that you are so upset with your dad. he sounds like a hard-headed, arrogant, and controlling man. he will likely never make admission to you that he did you wrong. can't blame you for bolting, but remember this; your anger at him is only hurting you. his
ego is too large for him to consciously see his mistakes, so don't expect any miracles there.

are you going to be just as obstinate as he is, at the cost of your mother's relationship? forgetting is one thing, forgiving another. maybe you can show
your father that you are a bigger person than he is. he is what he is...and your
thinking he might come around on your terms is unlikely. he probably knew he could find about about your well being from your mom; i doubt it is because he is
completely cut off for his affection to you because he didn't ask...it was probably because he knows you are mad at him.

your mom is living with this hard-head, and he obviously controls her to some extent...but then loyality between a husband and wife is very pervasive. you are wanting her to choose over him....she is square dab in the middle of two people who should accept each other as they are instead of being pulled left and right.

[JLarissaDragon]

You may not be able to change your father. He sounds like a stubborn and self centered man. You can work on yourself, so that the things that you detest about him will not trigger you and control the way you feel. I have people in my life that I can barely tolerate, but have decided to politely tolerate them and move on as best I can. That is not very easy but it makes my life somewhat more peaceful. I expect nothing from them and that is usually what I get. He is probably not totally antagonistic toward you but sees all of life in terms of himself and his needs. You can take the higher ground and do not have to let his attitudes run your life
Your mom on the other hand is stuck in between. I would try not to create a situation where she must choose between you and your father. That is an intolerable position for her and everybody loses. I really wish you well

[krisakira]

affection.... he has NEVER shown me that. And i do not expect anything from him. its just so typical of him. yes i am still mad about the abuse, who wouldn't be. he doesn't get to have a relationship with me. his loss.

Mine was exactly opposite ... My mother was my primary abuser, but my father stood by his wife no matter what. Eventually I had no choice but to sever all contact with them in order to restore what was left of my sanity. It's sad that one person can destroy everyone else around them and not even care. Especially those that want nothing more than to love and be loved.

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by BrokenCloud

Mine was exactly opposite ... My mother was my primary abuser, but my father stood by his wife no matter what. Eventually I had no choice but to sever all contact with them in order to restore what was left of my sanity. It's sad that one person can destroy everyone else around them and not even care. Especially those that want nothing more than to love and be loved.

Very well spoken and very true. I'm sorry you are going through this too. Luckily my mom has a cell phone, so when I want to talk to her I just call that, instead of the home phone, so my dad doesn't pick up.

[Callmebj]

krisakira, again it is sad that you feel that removed from your father. i have met one man that was so into his own selfish motives, that he could only leave pain with everyone within his life. a man that left this world just recently. his wife never has grieved over him and likely never will, his daughter left with much unresolved anger and the feelings of never being understood or good enough to please her father. the thing about this situation; is that the daughter and the father were very much alike in
their actions and speech. a brother-in-law that i thought of as a useless piece of flesh.

my niece suffered much as he was dying; and never got the affection or the support from her father. how this has worked out in detail for my niece, i do not know, but she recently had her own cabaret show in houston that ran a week
with sold-out seats. your father may be of my bil ilk, and there was nothing normal
about him in any way, a very sick selfish personality. she is very close to her mom
and no longer has to dread visiting her parents due to her dad being there and insulting and downing her.

if this is your situation, i completely understand your not wanting to be near him.
i am glad you and your mother have a great relationship and you do have support, love and comfort from her. hopefully your mom does not feel pulled by this as dividing her feelings between the two of you. you might ask her about that. some women
take their marriage vows extremely seriously, no matter how bad, how terrible the state of their marriage is they stay in it. a normal man could not have anything but affection for a daughter, whether he spoke , or showed it at all. may you find peace with this.